I do not own The Office: U.S. version.

I do not strangle.

The Scranton Strangler

Consequences

". . . right to remain silent-"

"Dwight, what are you doing?"

". . . can and will be used against you in a court of law-"

"Dwight, listen to me, you're not even a real cop-"

"-to consult an attorney before speaking to the police-"

"Dwight!"

"Dwight, listen to me, it's all just a prank, Jim's just been goofing off, seriously, you have to stop this-"

"It's not your fault you've been brainwashed into protecting him, Pam."

"Dwight-"

"Most women are gullible, too much Dancing with the Stars and Chamomile tea, if you ask me."

"Dwight-"

"And, of course, motherhood. Fact. Sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations make the average woman more pliable than a melted bag of cherry flavored Ice Pops-"

"Dwight-"

"We will get you help, Pam. My uncle Heinrich devised a set of five steps to take to break free from serial killers and post apocalyptic zombies-"

"Dwight, listen to me-"

"We will get you the help you need. For a monthly monetary exchange, of course-"

"Dwight, stop. Just stop for a second. Do you really think Jim, Jim Halpert, could be the Scranton Strangler?"

And the reply tone is just almost gentle, soothing.

"Oh, Pam."

Friendly.

"You sweet, desperate, ignorant woman."

"Excuse me?"

And completely, absolutely, positively . . .

"Don't you know it's always the person you least expect?"

. . . naive.

And Pamela Morgan Beesley Halpert . . .

"Well, I guess that leaves only one person then, Dwight."

. . . has finally . . .

"Yes, it does, Pam-"

. . . had enough.

"You."

He does not break down into confusion as she had hoped.

Or rage.

Or false self-realization.

Instead . . .

"Oh, Pam Pammy Pammy Pam Pam Pam, . . ."

"Dwight-"

. . . his blunt face pulls down into a visage of sad pity and strengthened resolution.

"It's going to be a long road of recovery for you."

As he tries to put a comforting arm around her.

"I just hope you're strong enough to make the journey."

"Ugh, Dwight, get off-"

"That's what she said! Hey, what's going on, what's all the hubbub?"

"You've got to talk to him! He's gone insane!"

Casual, dismissive shrug.

"I can't do anything with Dwight when he's like this, Pam."

"Come on, Angela, please-"

"You started this, Pam. You and your deviant, sociopathic husband and your ridiculous juvenile pranks. You're reaping what you sow."

"Angela-"

"I wouldn't worry about it too much, Pam. Everybody knows Jim is too much of a pussycat to be a serial killer. He'll be sprung soon. See if you can get yourself a conjugal visit while he's in there though, they're hot-"

"Oh my god, Meredith, please stop."

"Yeah, you should get yourself a makeover, get your hair done and go up to the jail and be all like 'hey, Jim'-"

"Kelly-"