Helene was talking over the phone animatedly, sharing her happiness for being the “Mother of the bride’ and how long she has been waiting for this special day”.

Pam was feeling breathless.. Her heartbeats paced and she could only describe her situation as suffocating. Looking around, she was far from an enclosed place. She was sitting at her parents house in the wide living room with open windows and a breeze was coming through. Her sister Penny was trying on her bridesmaid dress and just looking radiant. But Pam felt the darkness engulfing her with each word - June 10th, wedding, Roy, 10 years of being together, now FOREVER. She felt the cold sweat in her fingers touching her forehead and rushed out in the backyard.

Her mom followed her shortly after, worried about her daughter’s sudden exit. ‘Pam sweetheart, are you okay?”

‘Mom I can’t. I can’t do this”, Pam whispered. She looked down at the small piece of asphalt where their Barbe-que rested and she thought - “what is with you, asphalt and I can’ts”

“Oh sweetheart, I know this may look like just over the top and extra work. But we are almost there. You know what, if you just say yes to Penny’s look, I’ll take care of the rest of the bridesmaids.”

“No mom, it’s just not this, it’s everything. I am just not feeling great about all of this”, tears were dripping from her face. Pam had no idea when she started crying. 

Looking at her face Helen assured her ‘Oh Pam, love, I think I know what it is. You are experiencing cold feet like almost every bride on the planet before her wedding. You know it’s perfectly natural.” She moved to comfort her daughter in a hug before Pam moved a step back.

“I don’t know mom. It is not feeling…..right” and Pam’s voice broke at the last word. She was getting desperate and almost inching to make a run, to get away.

“You know, I think I can understand. It feels like it is just too much” and for the first time Pam felt that her mom was getting her. She really needed someone, anyone to just hear her out once. She has been having a hard time to compose her thoughts into words lately and hearing her mom articulate them for her was feeling like a respite she was looking for. 

“It is overwhelming to realize that everything will be different. I felt the same way when I was at where you are. But you know it’s going to be good and a great start for something more. You are going to be with Roy for the rest of your life.”

“You did..?” Pam whispered ,finally getting a hold of herself. 

“Absolutely, sweetheart. But then your father and I married and here we are with two beautiful daughters together. These feelings pass, but what remains is the promise of being together. You both have committed to each other, and not all moments will feel like there is love but your family is with you to get you through those moments”.

She opened her mouth to argue the point that lately she doesn’t feel the love but this promise (or is it this obligation) to be together, but instead softened at her mom’s teary eyes. She nodded in defeat and hugged her mom.

Thinking back to her mom’s words, she thought hard when she felt loved, when she was Roy. When he just heard her out to what she has to say, or prodded her how she has been feelings after a hard day at word. Or just spent time with her, which is not when they were eating or in bed. And he seems completely okay because she herself isn’t doing that for him. She never pictured that her life would be like that. Together for love but no love to feel within.  She was lying down in bed with Penny who asked her what she was thinking when she just started  “ I love Roy but somehow it doesn’t feel right to say I feel that love myself. I mean, am I really in-love with him?? He doesn’t seem to care what I like or want and lately I don’t get him.” 

“Pam, what are you talking about? What do you mean you don’t get him? You both have been together since high school and now you will be married like a Fairy Tale. You go to same office place, he fixes your car, you two watch sports together and he takes you to weekend getaways at the lake. And now your dream wedding. Who else do you love if not Roy” Penny asked, half laughing and confused.

She repeated words in her head - Fixes her car because he doesn’t like her driving his truck, going to lake with Kenny in tow and this dream wedding which was supposed to happen years ago but he bought the jet ski with that money and now this wedding she is planning pretty much alone. And love. She doesn't know if she could herself truly she is in love with Roy. - but she held her tongue. 

The thought drove her mind back to Jim. The one person to whom she could air these things too, who would just listen and wouldn’t tell her what to feel or what to do. Who would encourage him and tell her to do what her heart feels is right .  “You got this Beesly” he would have said. If only she could call him. He hates her for breaking his heart and she can’t just reach out to her best friend for sharing her thoughts and feelings.

 “Yeah….. I guess” Pam conceded to let Penny know she was done talking and went to a fitful sleep.