Sunday passed in getting the dress fitted, when her mom substituted as a seamstress and did the last minute fixing. Pam looked at herself in the mirror, in the dress she picked up a few months ago but has been picturing herself in for years now. It was perfect, just like she imagined and yet she was not able to bring herself to smile from within, while her mom and sister gushed about how perfect she looked.

She couldn’t hold it anymore and her nausea took over when she puked in the bathroom sink. Her mother and sister followed shortly, one holding her hair while the other one curtaining the dress with a towel to prevent any splashes. 

Pam was cleaning up when her mom asked “Pammy, sweety, is there something you want to tell us”

Yeah mum I tried yesterday and nobody listened. Instead she responded in “No mum, what do you mean?”

“Am I going to be a grandma soon honey. Because if I am, I can’t be happier and you don’t have to keep this a secret from me love, I am a modern mom”

“OMG Pam, is that why you both decided to marry now”

“Mom please. I am not pregnant. In fact the idea is outright terrifying. It takes so much planning and I have no idea how to be around children. And Roy, well he hardly has time to take care of me when I am sick, how will he ever have time for taking care of a child with me between his work and boys nights.I don’t think I could have a child for at least few more years, until I know what I am doing”she said half laughing, half relieved.

“And No Penny. I have been engaged for 3 years, I think it’s about time I get married. It doesn’t have to be a shot-gun wedding where Roy runs out of options to stall it anymore.”

“Well, you should have tried getting pregnant if you wanted it to happen earlier than now” Penny said cheekily.

‘Okay weirdo, I need some air. I am going for a walk. And mom, don't worry I am fine. I think it’s just wedding jitters. I think I’ll eat a light lunch and will be okay.” Pam headed out, for a quiet stroll outside.

She went through the little exchange she had with her mom earlier. Thinking how absurd it is to be pregnant and being a mom right now. The only time she was around kids for extended time was ‘bring your kid’s to the office” day. She tried everything that day, from jellybeans to more candies but no kid wanted anything to do with her. Except Merdeith’s kid who liked the paper shredding with her.

She chuckled to herself. It was an interesting day.That boy was really something , but with how Meredith is, what else did she expect. Jim was pretty smooth with Toby’s daughter though. He connected with her so effortlessly. He did tell her a couple of weeks later how he babysat Sasha a few times too for Toby. Jim was a natural. She is sure he would be a great dad. And the mom would be so lucky to have him as her children’s father. He would be involved, supportive and just incredible. She knows she wouldn’t freak out if she would get pregnant with Jim by her side.

The thought made her halt right there. She was alarmed with even thinking of the idea of having Jim’s kids. She shook her head as if physically trying to throw the ‘wild thought” out. 

“This Jim thing is getting too much. I am marrying Roy in a week. Jim is gone. I was never with Jim. Him and I are not together. There will be no kids with Jim but with Roy” she repeated it to herself like a mantra.

Except each time she would say it, she felt a little distressed at the idea. She didn’t want to figure out why and made her way back home.

**********************************************************************************************************

They were down at the dinner table, when Helene told Pam that Roy’s mom called her to discuss wedding preparations. Roy’s family were not able to do much in the wedding, as they were supporting Roy’s sister, Rochelle.

Rochelle has been trying to conceive for a few years now and has spent loads of money on fertility treatments. She remembers her reaching out to Pam and Roy, for some extra cash, during one of the procedures. Pam felt a bit selfish for not agreeing right away, as she had saved a deposit for the wedding before Roy told both of them that he had spent the money on new jet skis. He apologized and offered his sister to use the jet skis to “feel better” anytime she wants. While Pam felt her heart breaking at Rochelle’s plight and her fiance’s indifference.

Roy’s family then consoled his sister and they started considering adoption. It was a difficult time for her and her husband, both were beside themselves after losing all that time and assets and not being able to become parents yet. She would need money and more to qualify and his family solely wanted to make it work for her. They apologized to Pam for not spending much in the wedding but were grateful for her being so understanding. They were the ones who would be helping Pam to gift wrap party favors. 

“So Irene asked if I need any help with anything but I told her that she doesn’t have to worry and just be Rochelle. She did say how Rochelle is looking forward to your wedding and feels this could be a great distraction from everything she is going through with her lately. And I can’t tell you how happy your dad is that you are finally getting married. Your wedding is going to be so great sweetheart, and it’s going to bring happiness to all of us.”

Pam smiled at her, wishing she didn’t have to try so hard to push her lips together. She pushed her own despair down. The feeling which has been a constant after effect, whenever her upcoming wedding is mentioned.  

Pam bid her mom and sister goodbyes and got on the road, to return home. Home, she thought, is what she shares with Roy. They have been living together for 10 years now and so much has changed while many things are still the same. He doesn’t surprise her with any special gestures anymore, there are no date nights, he has no time to talk to her which is not about him and they don’t talk about their future. But she didn’t think too much of not being able to have real conversations with Roy, because she had… she had Jim to share her ‘thoughts and feelings’. Does that even make sense? 

But he has been there throughout her life in the past decade, through her grandfather’s death, her mom’s breast Cancer scare, her sister’s rebellious phase and getting this receptionist job and everyday of Michael’s antics and life since then has been pretty much the same for her. If she is really honest, the past 4 years feels like nothing has changed really except now she is actually getting married rather than a “potential” to be married. Her dad has been particularly upset with her during the initial years when she didn’t pursue further education - though she promised she would after moving in with Roy. The wedding kept pushing and her father kept getting anxious how Pam and Roy were not able to hold even enough money to have a wedding, how are they ever going to have a future like this.

She was comforted with the idea that this wedding will be a reason for her and Roy’s family contentment. Even if she feels far from it herself.