She remembers it all. The mindless trips to the grocery store, her toothbrush in his bathroom, the way they clung to one another, so convinced that if they separated the dream would end. The early days, so clumsy and perfect, when she was sure it would be a honeymoon that would never end. Her own personal slice of heaven.
If only she knew, if only...
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He was gone before dawn on the day that Karen left, unable to take a step back to properly say goodbye to her. Karen had attempted to be kinder during the later half of her trip, and even if it felt hollow and cold, Pam could tell that she was trying. She left them with a “thank you,” and a kiss for Julia, more unchanged than not. Pam was just grateful that now she just has four kids to take care of by herself, not four kids and one bitter ex wife.
She took the kids to see a movie after they got back from that airport. It was the same theater her and Jim used to go on dates to, sharing popcorn kisses in the back row. She misses it more than he will ever know, the simplicity of a film and his love.
Eloise started crying halfway through so she took the kids home. An empty house greeting her, it's other inhabitant now just a whisper in that hall, unable to join them for dinner once again.
“Will Dad get tomorrow off?” Julia asked as Pam worked on dinner, the girl's face hiding nothing. She misses her dad like crazy.
“I don't know, sweetheart. Sorry.” she told her a white lie, an attempt to save face. “But hey, we can go into the city again instead, look at that bookstore you like.”
“Okay,” Julia said, perking up a bit.
She gave the kids dinner and tucked them in, two stories for each of them, making up for his absence in every little way she could. “I love you, Mama” Cece whispered after Phillip had already fallen asleep, her last sentence before she drifted off.
Pam changed into her pajamas, and decided to wait for him. She brewed a cup of coffee and settled on the couch with a good book. It would be hours, and she wants to stay sharp. He needs to know what's going on, before it's too late for both of them.
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She was standing in the entryway when Jim opened the door. He shook off his coat without saying anything, just giving her a simple glance. It was stange, how boyish he seemed, so stripped down and empty.
“I need to talk to you.” she told him, following him as he walked into the kitchen.
“Okay,” he said simply, meeting her gaze. “Shoot.”
“I can't keep doing this. All the waiting up and not seeing you for days. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to the kids.” Her voice was already shaking, words that she had kept tucked away for so long finally able to come tumbling out.
He sighed, running his hand over his face. He was exhausted. “Do we really have to do this tonight?” he asked.
“Yes, we do.” She stood up a little straighter, trying to adjust her body language to the seriousness of her statements. “Because I'm tired of putting up with this.”
“It's my job, Pam. what do you want me to do, quit?” he was becoming exacerbated, his voice slowly but surely growing louder..
“Yes! If that's what you have to do to be in your kids' lives, in MY life, then yes, I want you to quit your job.” she threw her hands up, the heat on her neck rising.
“You know you sound crazy right now, right?! I can't just quit my job, we need that money to stay afloat, Pam!”
“You don't think I know that?!” they were in each other's faces now, noses just inches apart. It's the closest shes been to him in days.
“I just, I guess I'm trying to understand how you can be okay with being away from your family so often. How you just expect us to be okay with it.” She sighed, arms crossed over her chest, her eyes falling from his face to the floor.
“I'm not,” he admitted, “I hate it, but I understand that it's what I have to do to take care of my family.”
“How did we let this happen?” she asked, more to herself than to him. What were they doing? This isn't them, they don't fight in the kitchen, they don't let things get this bad.
“I don't know,” he breathed out, looking at her. “I really dont.”
They lapsed into silence, the air thick with all the things said and unsaid, the hurt they had caused holding them captive.
She was so tired, the exhaustion creeping into every part of her body. She doesn't want to be mad at him anymore, she just wants to be with him, to be husband and wife once again.
“Jim,” she said. He looked at her, red faced, leaning against the counter, “come here.”
He crossed the room to get to her, his hands wasting no time, slipping around her waist, folding himself into her. They fit against each other like they were two halves of the same whole. She used to think that was how this all worked, love, marriage. That you are given a person on this earth and when you find them, it will be easy. Love was supposed to be a never ending resource, but what felt like a bottomless well went dry, leaving her with nothing left to turn to.
She buried her face in his chest, listening to his heart beat. It had been so long since they were together, really together, that it all felt forgien. In so many ways he's a stranger now, a ghost of the man she loves.
“I can't lose you,” he whispered into her hair, fresh tears falling from her face. She let herself cry, the damn she had built up breaking. They wouldn't be washed out by the flood, not tonight. Tonight, they will survive.
After he had gone to bed, she found herself in front of the bathroom mirror, struggling to make sense of it all.
She's done some of the hardest things she's ever had to do for him, and he can't even be bothered to look up from his work and notice that she's drowning. He's been her everything for over two decades now, yet he's still choosing her over a job. She sighed, searching the reflection like she did all those years ago, trying to find her flaw, the thing that makes her so disposable, lovable only to a point.
She looked at her ring, the one that he had for a year before giving it to her, and imagined taking it off. Kissing him goodbye, excepting that the love they once had is gone. That he's gone.
