Pam called Karen the morning after the fight, telling her as much as she could without breaking, trying to explain with as few details as possible that Julia needed to go home. That they couldn't handle it right now. To her surprise Karen had been okay with it, understanding even. She knew what it was like, to watch her life slip through her fingers, and she didn't have the heart to add to that pain.
Julia understood as well, and did not seem to mind the idea of returning in the Fall, after things had settled down. The person it really broke was Jim, who took the time to see Julia off on her early morning flight. He couldn't stop apologizing for everything on the drive to the airport, even if she was having none of it.
“I know it's not about me, Dad,'' she told him, “hell, I know it wasn't about me last time, with Mom.
God, there's a “last time.” He's ruined everything twice now, burning the life he's built so carefully to the ground, twice.
When they arrived he held Julia for a long time before letting her go, his baby girl, so understanding and smart, wise beyond her years.
She pulled away, and after exchanging goodbyes and I love you’s, she looked at him and said one final thing.
“She really does care about you, Dad, and you shouldn't just give up on that.”
And with that she was gone, leaving her father broken hearted in the early morning light.
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Ten days later:
“We need some distance, Jim.” She said it in a whisper, like if she said it any louder the words would kill her, “I just- I need a break.”
So he left, packing a bag and kissing the kids, promising to return in a few days. He knew that he was lying to them, but he just couldn't say out loud what was really happening yet. He wasn't ready to accept it.
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He's loved her for as long as he can remember, it's like breathing to him, an act so primal he's sure he would die without it. So why didn't he die when she kicked him out, when she assured him that his love wasnt enough anymore, that she couldn't continue. How was he still standing as he checked into the hotel room, crawling into the big, lonely bed. It was so huge that he was sure he could do a backstroke in the sheets. She should be beside him, her head nestled into his chest, a tangle of limbs so intricate even the greatest artist couldn't recreate it.
He didn't realize it until the morning, but he had cried until he fell asleep, the tears refusing to stop. His face was red and puffy in the morning light. He tried to scrub it off before heading into work, but it was useless, and he knew it. There was no point, it was like trying to scrub her off of him, the last fourteen years together, and what felt like a lifetime of friendship before that, unable to just be water circling in the drain.
The feeling wouldn't leave him the whole way to work, the familiar drive felt empty and isolated, it was of the world had ended and he was the only survivor, sadly still alive to tell the tale of what once was.
At the office, a place that for him represented everything he is trying to build with her, it got worse. The photos were mocking him from across his desk. One of Pam smiling back at him, her holding Julia, the then toddler looking at her with the biggest smile on her face, smitten by her dad's new girlfriend. Another of them at their wedding, a thousand watt grins still glowing despite how things turned out. The worst though was the one of all of them together, as a complete family, in front of their Paris home. Julia standing tall beside them, her arm around Cece, Phil on his hip, and baby Eloise wrapped up in Pam's arms.
He tried to avoid it, to relieve himself of the guilt, and the pain, but it was all a loss. She had given him the mug he drank out of, the tie he wore, and a purpose for being there, she was sewn into every last bit of the fabric of his life.
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Everything felt foggy, an unsettling energy in the air. He was going to go pick up the kids for the day, it's been a week since he’s seen them, since she asked him to leave. A week since his life fell apart.
He pulled up, getting out and immediately being met with excitement from one of his children.
“Dad!” Eloise cried, the little girl leaping into her dad's embrace.
“Hey, baby,” he said, scooping her up and kissing her head of unruly curls, Pams curls “how's my girl?”
“Great! Mom took us to the movies yesterday..” she babbled on, telling him all about her amazing week, without him. He tried hard to fake excitement, even if he was breaking, shocked by how little his own child seemed to miss him, how used she was to his absence.
They made their way over to the porch, where Pam was standing, arms crossed over her chest. He could see that her ring was missing, while his band still sat firmly on his finger. It had only been a week, it was too soon.
“Where are Cece and Phil?” he asked her, mettig her eyes the best he could. She looked so far away, a stranger rather than his wife.
“They're just getting their shoes on,” she told him, coolly. Eloise squirmed in his arms, asking to be put down. He let her go, and she ran back into the house, loudly proclaiming that her siblings needed to hurry up.
“It's good to see you,” he stepped closer to her as he said it, resisting the instinct to pull her close to him, and try to make it better with a perfect kiss, just like he did, nineteen years ago.
“Yeah,” she breathed out, her gaze was fixed on something just beyond him, a telltale sign that she was shutting down, drifting away with no way to pull her back.
“Can we have..um.. dinner tomorrow night?” he posed it as a question, but really it felt more like he was begging. He has to make this right, he just needs another chance. She opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off by the kids, all three of them crossing the porch and practically knocking him over with hugs.
“I missed you,” he heard Cece whisper when he took them all in his arms. He swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears at bay.
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He took the kids shopping first, letting them pick whatever they want at the toy store. Cece left with a new book, Phillips with a giant lego set, and Eloise with a new dressup dress. Eloise was the only one out of them who seemed to be unaware of what was happening, bouncing around like any kid should. Philip seemed a bit distant, but was overall himself. Cece was the one who seemed more visibly upset, clinging to Jim but staying quiet, clearly shaken by the week's events. She was the most aware that it had been so little time, yet it felt as if it had been an eternity.
He took them to lunch, asking them questions about their week and trying to soak up every second of them. Trying to wrap his head around the idea that it's more likely than not that this will be his reality, two failed marriages, two failed attempts at not being a weekend dad. Two beautiful beginnings, and two fiery ends.
The kids all fell asleep on the drive home, exhausted by a day full of trying to make up for what felt like a year of his absence. He looked at them in the rearview, so peaceful and innocent as they slept, his kids, his perfect kids.
She helped him unload the kids when he dropped them off, waking up Cece as he carried Eloise and Phill inside. He told the sleeping kids goodbye, kissing them goodnight for the first time in months.
She saw him off, walking him to his car, her eyes never leaving him as they made the silent trek across the driveway.
“I'll see you at seven, for dinner, tomorrow.” she told him as she leaned up against his car door, stopping him from entering. He smiled despite himself, slightly horrified by how normal it all felt.
“Okay,” he said to her, “thank you.”
“You're welcome.” she stepped away from the car, and watched him drive away.
