Pam struggles to remember the first time she met Roy. It's hard for her to remember this occasion in detail and this worries her. She has always believed that life's most important moments, no matter how small or mundane they seem at the time, stick with you if they are truly important, like little snippets of movies you can play in your head when you want or need to call up the memory.
But what does it say about Roy and their relationship if she can't remember the day they met?
She can remember some of it. She holds on to these snatches of memory like a life vest that keeps her from drowning. She's not sure what she's drowning in or when it started, only that she is and she needs to keep afloat. For some reason she believes that remembering the day she met Roy is a vital part of that.
She knows they met at school. She remembers she'd been with a group of friends when he had come over, though she can't remember why he'd approached them or what they had been doing. She knows she had been taken in by his rosy cheeks and dimples, loving the effect his smile had on his face. She remembers that her friends had teased her after he'd left, saying he had stared at her the whole time. She's not sure if she spoke to him that day, but she remembers telling her friends that he seemed nice.
Truth be told, she's not even sure how they ended up together. She thinks he must have found his way into her group of friends somehow. In high school she had been friends with all kinds of kids, her group defying explanation. They weren't the jocks or the brains or the artists, though they included those kids. Instead, they were a mixture of anything and everything, a collage of personalities. She thinks this is how she and Roy had gotten to know each other. Or, at least, that it had opened the door to a date or some sort of relationship. She thinks that they had probably just sort of...happened, that this is what must have led to their first official date. The date is something she does remember. In unfortunate detail.
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Roy had suggested they go to a hockey game and she had said yes, though she's still not sure why. She'd always disliked hockey. She figures she must have known he liked it and was willing to give it another chance.
He'd picked her up at her house, she remembers, about fifteen minutes late. He apologized, though, sounding sincerely sorry, so she hadn't counted it against him.
"I had to wait for my brother to get home."
Well, that was understandable.
"Oh. That's okay. Did you need him to bring back the car?"
"No."
Oh.
"He's coming with us. I hope you don't mind. It's just, he had three tickets and his girlfriend can't come, so he said I could bring someone."
She remembers her jaw dropping slightly before she could stop herself. She'd quickly arranged her features into something resembling understanding and tolerance - a face she would later use often on Michael.
"Oh. Okay."
They'd left and gotten in the car - Roy and his brother in the front, Pam alone in the back, the stereo thumping in her ears. She remembers being grateful for that, thinking that the stereo meant she didn't have to try to make awkward conversation with Roy's brother while trying to seem interested in what Roy was saying. It felt easier just to let them talk while she tried not to get a headache from the blaring music.
They'd gotten to the game early and had settled into their seats, Roy in the middle and Pam on the aisle. Pam and Roy had a chance to talk then, his brother having gone to get food for all of them. They'd chatted easily, covering the basics of family and school. She'd told him how much she enjoyed her art classes and was only slightly put-off when he'd said he didn't "get it." She'd admitted, then, to not "getting" hockey, thinking it would give them something to talk about because, if nothing else, they could each explain their passions.
Instead, she'd been treated to a forty-five minute lecture about the rules of the game, the stats of various important players, and expectations for the rest of the season. Roy's brother, who had returned just in time for her confession, laden with more soda that Pam could ever drink, hadn't hesitated to throw in his two cents, making it nearly impossible for Pam to get in a word. Though she wouldn't have known what to say even if she had the chance, not knowing in the slightest what they were talking about. Then they had turned their attention to the game, well underway by this point. The boys spent the rest of the game yelling at the refs when things weren't going their way and high-fiving when they were. Bored, and with little enthusiasm for a game she still didn't understand and no longer wanted to, Pam had turned her attention to her drink, guzzling the entire thing without realizing it.
She remembers having to go to the bathroom but trying to wait, not wanting to deal with the long lines. By the time only a few minutes remained on the clock, it had become evident that waiting would no longer be an option, so she'd excused herself, hoping to be quick. The line had moved slowly and Pam had heard the buzzer signaling the end of the game just before her turn had come.
It had taken her a while to remember where their seats were and by the time she'd found them almost everyone else was gone, including Roy and his brother. She'd waited there, thinking they would head back to the seats, assuming they had gone to the bathroom as well. They'd had just as much soda as she had. Right?
After the first five minutes Pam considered the idea that their line had been unusually long for a men's room.
After ten minutes she wondered if they'd gotten lost.
At the fifteen minute mark Pam decided that they were looking for her by the restrooms or at the front. She'd headed out of the bleachers and began wandering the nearly empty arena. After a few minutes she had given up trying to find them, deciding it was best to stay in one place so they could find her.
She'd stood at the entrance for ten minutes, until Roy had come towards her from the direction of the parking garage, embarrassment on his face, a deep red climbing up his neck and over his pale skin.
He'd mumbled something about, "Sorry" and, "...almost home..." before Pam had finally understood what happened.
They'd left her. They'd forgotten about her and gone home. She remembers thinking that it was no wonder, considering she'd barely said a word all night. Not knowing what to say to that, Pam had just nodded and followed him to the car, her mind reeling.
They'd taken her straight home then, music once again blaring in her ear, Roy sitting up front and Pam alone in the back. When they'd pulled up in front of her house, Roy had jumped out of the car and walked her to the door.
"I had fun tonight," he'd said, still looking slightly embarrassed.
Not wanting to be rude or to embarrass him further, Pam had managed a small, tight smile and a muttered, "Yeah."
Roy's brother had honked then, and Roy's expression had gone from one of embarrassment to one of nervous anticipation. Before she'd known what was happening, Roy had leaned in and kissed Pam, a nervous and dry-lipped kiss that was so startling and unremarkable that it was over before Pam had even thought to respond. He'd smiled, whispered goodbye and, after another, louder honk from his brother, had taken off.
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Pam hadn't expected to hear from him again. She'd tried to imagine a worse first date and had a hard time coming up with anything that could rival the one she had shared with Roy. She'd been surprised when Roy had cornered her by her locker and asked her out again a few days later. Tempted to say no but admiring the courage she'd imagined it took to approach her again, she'd agreed. They'd eventually gotten better at dating and he'd gotten better at remembering her. For the most part.
They'd gotten the hang of the kissing thing, too, Pam thinks. She cringes now, thinking again of the first kiss she'd shared with Roy. It had been awkward. Dry-lipped. Memorable only because of how bad and unexpected it had been. After that Pam had thought that was how all first kisses were because, truth be told, she'd had nothing to compare it to.
Until Jim.
She blushes now, thinking of the first kiss she had shared with Jim. Though she'd been drunk at the time, she remembers it clearly. It's one of the few moments of that night she does remember.
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She and Roy had fought - something about him not asking what she wanted. They were at the Dundies and he'd wanted to leave. She hadn't. So he'd left her there and she'd responded by taking the opportunity to get plastered. She'd started with stealing sips from Jim's beer and not stopped until it became hard to sit in her chair, let alone stand or walk. She knows she'd been excited because she'd gotten a different award than she'd expected. Three consecutive awards for longest engagement hadn't left much hope for something new. But she'd gotten something new, something less depressing. And she'd been excited. She knows she made a speech, though the details are fuzzy. When she'd looked out at her co-workers, her eyes had landed on Jim. He'd been hard to miss, standing there, clapping with a huge grin on his face. It was her favorite grin, the one that reached his eyes and showed all of his teeth. The grin she secretly liked to think her reserved for her. The grin he secretly did reserve for her.
It's this portion of the night that she has no doubts about. She knows exactly what happened, though she pretends she doesn't. She remembers seeing him across the room, grinning that grin, and knowing that he'd done something to make her new award possible. She'd walked towards him and he'd remained standing, pulling her chair out for her. She'd known halfway there that she was going to hug him, something they'd never really done before. She had briefly thought it might be awkward, but she was happy and it was because of him, so she'd decided to go for it. Plus, she'd figured, she was drunk, so if she had to blame it on something, she could blame it on that. Besides, friends hugged friends. Right?
She'd just planned on hugging him, but when she'd gotten closer, she'd seen an opportunity. His lips had looked so soft and inviting and his eyes had been shining. More than ever before she'd wanted to know what it was she was missing. She'd thought that it was the perfect chance to find out, perhaps the last one she would ever have.
So she'd done it.
Like her first kiss with Roy, it had been unexpected and brief, but that's where the comparison ends. Jim had been surprised, of course, but had pulled it together in time to kiss her back before it ended. His lips had been every bit as soft as they'd looked. The kiss had been warm. Exciting. Perfect. It had only lasted a moment but, for that moment, time had seemed to stand still.
Embarrassed, Pam had just sat back down as if nothing had happened and Jim had done the same. As if everything was normal. As if it was something they had done every single day.
The rest of the night had passed in a blur and no one, surprisingly, had mentioned what happened, and they still haven't. The only other moment that stuck out from that night happened right before she'd gotten in Angela's car to go home. Jim had been standing with her and she'd thought about how considerate he always was towards her, how he always seemed to make sure she was okay and happy. She'd thought back to the kiss and wondered what it would be like is she were with Jim, if it were his engagement ring she wore instead of Roy's.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the strange giddiness she still felt from the awards. Maybe it was just because he was Jim. She's still not sure why, but she'd decided to ask him. She'd had a suspicion that if it were Jim's ring she was wearing that it would have been accompanied by a wedding band in a lot less than three years. She she'd decided to ask him if her suspicions were correct.
If we were engaged, would you wait three years to set the date?
And she'd thought he might answer. She'd known that if he did, he would answer honestly.
The words had been on the tip of her tongue, fighting for escape when she remembered the cameras that had been filming all night, and Angela, waiting to take her home, probably ready with a lecture for Pam about adultery and inappropriate behavior.
So she hadn't asked, though she'd desperately wanted to.
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Now, sitting in her kitchen reliving her first - and second - kiss with Jim, she can't help but wonder again what it would be like if she were with Jim and not Roy.
Or, just not with Roy.
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