Pam wonders when things became so complicated, when her life stopped making sense. When did she start questioning a life with Roy? When did thoughts of a life with Jim edge their way into the corners of her imagination?
She tells herself it was last night. First the confession and then the kiss. It was to much for her to take. Too much to understand all at once.
But if she's honest with herself, those doubts and thoughts have been there longer than that. There were times, she knows, when she would look at Jim and know that he gets her. Know that he truly wants her to be happy. And she remembers times when there would be thoughts. Forbidden, unthinkable thoughts. Thoughts of how different things would be if she were with Jim.
Like the time Jan tried to convince her to look into that internship in New York.
Or the times Roy talked her out of going out for end of the week drinks even though she really wanted to go.
Or when Roy left her at the Dundies.
Or that time on the Booze Cruise when Roy chose to cheer on Darryl's snorkel shot rather than be somewhere with her, quiet and alone.
Instead, Jim had gone with her. He'd left the party, left his girlfriend to be with her.
If she's honest with herself, really honest, she thinks that might have been the first time real, vivid and uncensored, thoughts of her and Jim, together, crept their way into her heart. There had been brief, fleeting thoughts before, but this was the first time she had let herself think them. In the past she had felt guilty about them and stopped them from forming when they'd just been edges of thoughts, almost-thoughts, as she liked to call them. The only other time she had let a thought fully form and almost escape the safety of the back of her mind had been at the Dundies, when they were standing outside getting ready to leave. That time she had almost voiced her thought, sure he could read it on her face, anyway. It was something she had never come close to again.
Until that night on Lake Wallenpaupack. They'd been standing outside, the chilly air blowing an icy breeze across their faces. She'd almost said something about Roy. About how their relationship. About how she wasn't sure, sometimes, why they were together or what they had in common. Something she told herself she didn't mean.
Instead, she'd joked with him about him dating a cheerleader, knowing he'd been surprised and not exactly thrilled at Katy's revelation.
And then he'd looked at her with that look. That look that says he has something he wants to say but can't find the right words. Can't find words that are good enough.
And she'd known what he was thinking. That's how it's always been with them. A look, a shrug, a smirk. That's all they really need.
Her heart had been pounding as she'd gazed up at him, part of her dreading the moment he finally found the words, part of her hoping he would just come out and say it.
But the first part had won out. Pam loved their friendship. It was what got her through the day, what kept her from going insane. What kept her from smacking someone.
And she'd known that what he was thinking, what he was about to say, would change their friendship forever. And she wasn't sure if she could handle that. So she'd stopped him. Made up some excuse and gone inside. Told herself it was all in her head.
But it hadn't been and now things have changed anyway. He loves her and now she knows it. Really knows it. And she can't un-know it. She's not sure if she wants to.
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Dwight is on a mission. Michael has entrusted him with the investigation and he's determined to get to the bottom of the situation.
He just needs to gather a little information from Roy before he heads to her house. He wants to make sure she really isn't contagious. He still can't believe she hung up on him. Him. The Assistant Regional Manager.
Okay. Assistant to the Regional Manager. But still. He is Michael's right-hand man. His second in command. Gilligan to his Skipper. Riker to his Picard. Her hanging up on him was not only a serious malfeasance in itself, it also proved he had cause to be suspicious. He knows another phone call will be futile.
She's probably screening her calls.
He heads down to the warehouse, seeking out Roy. If anyone would know, it would be him. Maybe Jim, since they're such good friends. But Jim doesn't seem cooperative today. He's been staring at his computer all day like he hates it. Like it's...well...him.
But Roy will do. Easier to read, anyway. It will be easier to tell if he's lying.
Finding Roy, Dwight introduces himself and consults his clipboard, searching for an appropriate question to start out with.
"Roy. Dwight Schrute." He holds out his hand. Roy, looking slightly irritated stares at him, ignoring his outstretched hand.
"I know who you are, Dwight."
Ignoring Roy's apparent problem with authority, Dwight begins his interrogation.
"Question. Pam is your fiancee, correct? You two live together?"
Roy, slightly more irritated, folds his arms across his chest.
"What is this about, Schrute?"
Undeterred, Dwight takes this as confirmation.
"Pam claims she is 'sick' today. I'm just curious what her 'symptoms' are."
Dwight's use of air quotes on the words 'sick' and 'symptoms' make Roy angry. Now, he is blatantly glaring at Dwight.
"Are you calling Pam a liar?"
Dwight, shocked at being seen through so easily, tries to recover.
"Not necessarily. We'll see. Question. Was there anything suspicious about her illness? Did it seem fake? Did it seem as though she might want to be alone in the house?"
Roy's eyes narrow at Dwight's questions and suggestions. He thinks he can see where this is going, but he wants to see if the little weasel will actually go there.
"Why would she want to be alone in the house?"
"Maybe she has a friend she's hiding from you. Maybe she's seeing someone else. That's not the point. Question. Did you see an illness coming on? Or was this a sudden attack?"
Roy can hardly believe what he's hearing. He thinks that if it wouldn't get him fired, he would knock this guy on his ass right here. He thinks he might do it anyway.
"No. I'm not doing this."
Dwight is taken aback at Roy's lack of respect and cooperation. But he has a job to do and he's not about to give up so easily.
"Roy. Please. This is serious. I am investigating a possibly fraudulent claim of illness by your fiancee. There could be severe repercussions. I suggest you cooperate, okay? Now - "
Roy has had enough.
"And I suggest you get out of here before I kick your ass!"
Slightly nervous now, Dwight tries to intimidate Roy.
"Look, Roy. You might want to be careful. I'm very skilled in the martial arts of - "
"Get the hell out of here, man!"
Darryl, hearing the disturbance and seeing that nerdy pain in the ass from upstairs harassing Roy, heads over to see what's going on.
"Hey, man. You causing a disturbance in my warehouse?" Darryl assumes the same arms-crossed position as Roy and pulls himself up to his full height.
Dwight is more than slightly nervous now. He's never had to actually use his training, other than that one time with Michael, and he thinks the two of them, together, might be able to do some damage. He'd still win, of course, there's no doubt about that. It's just a question of how much pain he would be in when he does.
He gives a nervous laugh and a forced smile.
"Not causing a disturbance. I'm just conducting an investigation. It doesn't concern you. We're almost done here."
Roy and Darryl each take a step closer, Darryl narrowing his eyes as he does. He's still not sure what's going on - he'd heard only part of the conversation - but he doesn't like this guy and he really doesn't like his tone. Plus, they need to get back to work.
"You better get out of my warehouse."
Dwight, sensing he might actually get punched soon, decides he has enough information.
"You know what? I think I'm about done here. I should head back upstairs now."
Turning abruptly on his heel, he does his very best not to run to the stairs. He heads back up to the office to grab his coat before heading out to Pam's.
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It's nearly lunchtime and Jim has done nothing but stare at his computer all morning. The only thing he can concentrate on is berating himself for different actions and non-actions regarding the "P situation," as Michael had called it. Jim could smack himself for the torture he's put himself through, the torture he won't allow himself to consciously admit he hopes Pam is going through now. He's been going over in his mind different chances, different moments he's had to tell Pam how he's felt about her. Moments that occurred before the date of her wedding was set. Before that date was just a few weeks away. Before the invitations had gone out, the bridesmaids selected, the dress purchased. Before Australia was planned. Before Stamford.
There have been moments, hundreds of moments, when he could have said something. There were a dozen times when he almost did.
Like the time she'd kissed him at the Dundies. He had almost said something then, but decided against it because he had felt it was something he wanted her to be sober for.
But that wasn't the only time he'd come close. There had been many times.
For instance, when she'd sat down on his bed at the barbecue he'd held at his house.
When they'd joked about whether Pam would be going to the lake with Roy or the mall with him the weekend after the basketball game Michael had set up.
The night he'd made her dinner and they'd eaten on the roof. Their "first date."
When she'd suggested he take the job in Maryland. Though, that time, he thinks, was more about hurting her by way of explanation for his behavior after her suggestion. He'd thought it would make her feel careless and stupid and make him, somehow, feel better. But then he'd thought about it and he knew that making her feel stupid and careless would make him feel so much worse. Because he had vowed never to be the reason she felt stupid.
There a few times, too, when he had come within a breath of telling her how he really felt.
Like on the Booze Cruise, when they'd been standing on the deck. But she'd gone inside before he could find the words. Then everything had changed. His next attempt that night had been interrupted by a drunken announcement from Roy.
He'd also come close the day he was jinxed into silence. She'd been joking with him, teasing him for not being able to talk. She'd told him it seemed like he wanted to tell her something but couldn't, for some reason. She'd said that he could tell her anything.
He remembers looking at her, thinking that she had no idea how close she was to the truth. He'd tried, then, to tell her. He'd hoped his look would be enough, as it often was. Or that, somehow, she would just know. As if he could tell her telepathically if not in actual words. And there had been a moment when he thought she might have figured it out, might have guessed that there was something important he'd been wanting to tell her. He thought she might have discovered his secret.
But then their break had ended and she'd gone back to her desk, glancing at him every now and then, but never saying a word about what she might now know.
One time he actually did tell her.
That is, until he took it back.
It was Christmas, the time to tell people how you feel. He'd gotten Pam in the Secret Santa for the first time ever, and he'd seen his chance. He'd put it in the card. The card he'd then watch go around the office before it was even opened. At each stop, he'd had a gut-clenching terror that the new possessor would open the card and read what he had written inside. First it went to Meredith. Then to Oscar. Then to Dwight. Of all people, it had ended up with Dwight. He'd wanted to kill Michael then. And Dwight, just for good measure. Instead, he'd tried trading with Dwight, bargaining with him, and, finally, bribing him, but to no avail.
Pam had gotten the tea pot back in the end, though, a move that caused him to stare at her in amazement as his heart filled with even more love for her.
But then she'd mentioned Roy and a flash of uneasiness had coursed through him. It was ridiculous that he should say that to her, that he should let her know how he felt. Here, in the middle of the office. With Roy wandering around, full of cheap vodka. What if she opened the card in the middle of the party?
So he'd stolen it back, stuck it in the locked bottom drawer of his desk, kept it for someday.
He thinks of it now, tucked into his desk drawer. He thinks of the message he'd written inside. Simple. Short. Honest.
Pam,
I think you're perfect.
Love,
Jim
As Jim sits there, contemplating the short message and all that it implies, Dwight comes back into the office, muttering something about Pam's illness and Roy being uncooperative. He grabs his coat and rushes out the door. As Jim watches him go, he knows what he has to do.
He has to see her. They have to work this out.
He grabs the card out of his desk drawer and heads out the door.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali