I feel like I'm pretty good at what I do. I have centuries of analyzing and studying mortal behaviors, dissecting human motivation, and knowing which traits and personalities will be cohesive. I've brought together some real…what do you all say? Power couples? I know my stuff.
But even then, I can be surprised.
Let's set the stage. I was having a rough couple of days of watching mortals screw up perfectly matched relationships and needed a pick me up. So I summoned my friend Venus. She can always commiserate with me. We were shooting the breeze, catching up, and laughing about mistakes we've made and pairings gone awry, when Dunder Mifflin came up in conversation. It had become a spectacle of sorts amongst the Gods and Goddesses of love. It was almost infamous due to the way those people could always seem to get it wrong. Venus looked to me and issued me a bet. She bet I couldn't get two Dunder Mifflin employees, of her choosing, together. If I succeeded, she would owe me Dairy Queen. (Because believe it or not, it's nearly impossible to find a Blizzard equivalent up here and obtaining mortal food is a bureaucratic headache.)
Her choice? Dwight Schrute and Angela Martin.
At face value, these two seem like the most unlikely of pairs. But what Venus didn't realize, is that I know more about them and their desires than they even know themselves.
Let's back up just a touch. Angela is a complex creature. She comes from an ultra conservative, insanely religious background. The only person more Christian than the Martins was probably Jesus Christ himself and even then it's a toss up.
So for most of her life, she followed every rule placed in front of her. She never kissed a boy. Never saw a movie rated higher than PG. She was punctual and (outwardly) polite. But the problem with suppressing everything, is that occasionally it erupts and backfires. At the age of 18, Angela moved to go away to college. The church she attended was led by a very young, and very attractive pastor by the name of Benjamin Davis. This is where we find out that Angela has a weakness for authority.
Angela and Pastor Davis maintained a clandestine courtship for well over a year. Let's just say you probably don't want to sit in any of the back four pews of that church. For many reasons, I stay far away from clergymen, so I can't be blamed here either. The point I'm trying to make in telling you this, is that as hard as Angela tried to live by the "letter of the law", it seemed her downfall was a particular type of man. Pastor Davis was strong and held a leadership position and that was enough for Angela's knees to go weak. The two of them had to sever their relationship after 92-year-old Mrs. Jenkins walked into the church during one of their "Bible studies" and nearly had a heart attack, the poor woman.
Pastor Davis is no longer a pastor, to say the least.
Angela transferred colleges after that, to Penn State. She graduated with her bachelor's degree in accounting and quickly got hired at our little Dunder Mifflin office.
Where she met Dwight Kurt Schrute.
She started after Dwight and initially was turned off by him. He liked Harry Potter and other fictional things she found offensive and evil. He was loud and often impolite. But I knew Angela and I knew Dwight. So when Venus issued the bet, I knew I could win.
I sent a small sparrow to Angela on a day where I knew Michael would be gone. Dwight can't help but take charge and I've already told you Angela likes authority. After Michael left early in the day, Dwight began a long speech about wasting office time. Naturally that prompted Jim Halpert to find a way to get Dwight to waste more time by getting him to further explain all the ways one could waste time.
Angela rolled her eyes, for she didn't appreciate Jim's constant pranking and sarcasm. But for the first time she seemed to notice Dwight. The way he jutted out his chest and squared his shoulders. His firm, even tone. His apparent taste in muted color tones. All of it stirred something inside of her. So she found a way to ride the elevator with him at the end of the day. They rode in silence, but as the door dinged and opened up, Angela quietly, and without looking at Dwight, said, "I think you would make an excellent regional manager."
Jackpot.
Dwight asked her to dinner the next day without much prompting from me, and they began seeing each other regularly. Secretly, of course, because 1.) Angela believed it was nobody's business but their own, and 2.) She had already gotten a taste for the forbidden and she craved it now. Sneaking around with Dwight certainly scratched that itch.
And you know? Those two, as different as they seemed, were a great match. Dwight wanted someone he could protect and defend and Angela wanted someone who was no-nonsense and strong. Despite Angela's tough exterior, she brought out a softness in Dwight.
Unfortunately, that didn't stop him from killing Angela's cat, Sprinkles (may she rest in peace).
I've never wanted to slap a mortal more than when I saw Dwight putting that cat in the freezer. He was about to ruin one of my favorite pairings, and with Dairy Queen on the line! As predicted, it was enough for Angela to call it off with Dwight.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Now, I've already briefly explained Angela's next courtship. I previously mentioned that I urged her toward Andy because I was tired of him getting things wrong with other women, but if I'm being honest? I was feeling a little bitter towards Dwight for screwing up my hard work so I didn't really care if he was jealous. Not proud of it, but it is what it is.
But as it turns out, all my hard work hadn't been completely undone. Angela couldn't seem to stay away from Dwight. She continued to see him while she was with Andy. Then that imploded, which resulted in a fight over Angela, and all three of them alone in the end.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
But here's the thing, Dwight and Angela still couldn't seem to keep their paws off each other. (This will be a recurring theme, so pay attention.)
You see, Angela is as stubborn as she is Christian. I knew she still had feelings for Dwight and probably always had (despite the feline murder). So when Dwight decided he wanted a child and asked for a "childbearing contract" I knew she would accept because deep down she knew she was in love with Dwight and this was a way to remain close to him. She was just too stubborn to admit that.
That contract was flawed and, well, wrong (for so, so many reasons) but the two kept lying to themselves about their feelings. Meeting up in all sorts of places. Doing all sorts of…*ahem*. Things.
Enter Robert Lipton, the (state) senator.
Remember how I said I stay far away from clergymen? Yeah, I stay even further away from politicians. So, let's just say I hadn't been around Robert enough to know his sexual orientation. Had I known he liked men, I would have been a little more careful sending my sparrow. I saw Angela getting along with the (state) senator and decided to see where that could go, while simultaneously hoping I could end the bogus contract she had with Dwight. But I got a little careless. I haphazardly sent it toward Angela...who happens to sit next to a gay accountant named Oscar. You remember Oscar? I saw the sparrow kind of ricochet off of him before finding its way to Angela.
Oops.
I thought nothing of it until Oscar met Robert for the first time and it was made abundantly clear that I had made a huge mistake. But at that point, it was out of my hands. Angela had fallen for him…and so had Oscar.
The problem? Angela and the (state) senator had already married and had a baby by the time all this came to light.
Again. Oops.
Let's just say, we should all be glad Oscar can still walk, because it was NOT pretty when Angela found out. She and the (state) senator divorced and Oscar's relationship ended as well.
But wait. Before you feel too bad for Angela, remember that baby I mentioned earlier?
Spoiler alert! Not Robert's.
One guess on whose it is.
Yep.
Normally, I would frown on this. But by George, I have a soft spot for these two. So I meddled a little bit. I sent the tiniest of sparrows to each of them. Just a little reminder, if you will. And I'll have you know, it worked.
Dwight realized he loved her and always had, and the same went for Angela. She told Dwight her son was his and the rest is history. In fact, the reason I'm sitting in this office right now with these people, is because Dwight and Angela got married. Sure, they may have also gathered because of the documentary, but I like to think Dwight and Angela made their way into everyone's hearts the way they did to mine.
It was a bumpy road to bliss, to be sure.
But I really wanted that Blizzard.
Chapter End Notes:
"Pastor Davis comes from one of the webisodes and I couldn't NOT include it...
