Pam stands in her closet, the grey plush carpet under her feet gives her comfort as she stares at the periwinkle dress hanging in front of her. Not two hours ago Jim’s hands were touching that dress. She leans forward and presses her face to the front, hoping that Jim’s scent might be lingering. She is disappointed to find that all she smells is fabric softener and her own perfume. The fabric softener gives her a small smile, though, because since they took that trip to get Michael’s party supplies she had been using it. She hadn’t used fabric softener before that trip, but she now religiously every weekend does all of her and Roy’s wash in it.
A side effect she didn’t think about was that their sheets now also smell like Jim’s and that leads to a dangerous game of trying not to imagine herself with him in every possible way while lying in bed with another man. The guilt would often get the best of her and she’d try to snuggle up with Roy only to have him push her away saying, “Babe, you know how hot I get when I sleep.” So, she’d slide back to her side of the bed to fall asleep with broad shoulders and messy brown hair floating through her mind.
She leaves the dress hanging in the closet, and goes to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. On the counter she finds a note from Roy “Went to Kenny’s be back later XO”. Only lately has she been signing things XO to him as a way to avoid saying outright that she loved this man. The last few months have been especially difficult as she planned their wedding with a groom who was at a cabin every weekend with his buddies.
Her Mom had even noticed one day while they were cake tasting that Pam didn’t seem happy. “Cold feet?” she had said, gently elbowing Pam and Pam replied “Something like that. It’s like he doesn’t even care, Mom, why isn’t he here?” Pam’s Mom had been holding her tongue through all of this but Roy’s lack of interest in their wedding was really hitting a nerve with her. “Pam, nothing is set in stone if your heart is elsewhere.” Pam averted her eyes down to her hands folded in her lap because she knew what her Mom was saying. Pam had told her about Jim several times. She had a fleeting thought of doing all of this wedding planning with Jim. He would make it fun and they’d have the best time picking things out together. He would be here with her. You know… if it was him she was marrying.
Now, Pam stands in the kitchen waiting for her water to boil. She turns her engagement ring once, twice, then three times before taking it off and placing it on top of the note Roy had left. Her mind is flooded with images of palms being read and grape sodas from the vending machine. There have been so many good times with Jim. He’s always been supportive of her dreams and goals. Her best friend. She reminds herself it could be different if she were in a relationship with him. Would he be different then? Maybe it was just because they were friends that he could support her. He didn’t have to live with her.
She takes a deep breath and leans against the kitchen counter and really thinks about what happened that evening. Jim had told her he loved her. He had kissed her. She had kissed him. It felt – so good. She wishes she could do it again now. She had pushed away these thoughts of Jim so many times that now she feels like this whole time she knew she had feelings for him, too. Realization then hits her hard – she doesn’t just have feelings for him but she is in love with Jim. She probably has been for a while. Tears sting her eyes as the kettle whistles and she pours her tea. Why would she hurt him by saying those things? She had also hurt her chances of being with him by pushing him away. Maybe she should call him? She looks at the clock and realizes it is after 11. She decides to wait to talk to him until tomorrow when she has a chance to get some sleep. One thing she knows for certain is that she needs to end it with Roy. There was no way that she could have these feelings for Jim and continue in this relationship – especially not after they had kissed. It was the point of no return now, and Pam felt ready.
She walks with her mug of tea into the spare room and finds two empty cardboard boxes tossed aside from Christmas. She isn’t sure what Roy will do when she tells him it is over, they had been together so long and she had put up with so much for so long… she really didn’t know how he’d handle it. In the event that he didn’t handle it well she wanted to be sure her things were safe for her to collect when the dust cleared.
Roy had never hurt her but there were a few times when he threw things in their apartment either out of frustration with her or a sports game. Once a glass landed so close to her that she got a cut and had to wear long sleeved shirts for a week. He had been very apologetic. Still, she wants to be sure her things don’t get broken when she tells him this relationship is over.
Her art supplies are already packed away in the back of the closet. She had used them to make a few Christmas presents this past year but had put them away after Roy had complained about them being all over the place. They never even ate at the small dining room table. Roy would usually scarf down his meal in front of the television watching Sports Center before heading out to Darryl’s or Kenny’s. Pam would stand in the kitchen at the counter eating and cleaning up, trying to avoid the noise of the television. Pam made her way around the apartment realizing there were few things she wanted to take with her. A few photo albums, books, and her collection of tea was about all she needed to pack. The green tea pot is the last to go in, nestled in the middle she closes the lid. She ends up using just one box to pack her things.
She remembers with a smile their first apartment together after high school. It was so cute. She had spent weekends going thrift shopping for decorations and really loved that apartment. It wasn’t long before the neighbors didn’t love them, though, and Roy had enough of the noise complaints and asked Pam to find them a new place. They had moved twice more and each time there was more of Roy and less of Pam. It had been so gradual she had hardly noticed.
After Pam places the box in the closet, fatigue finally sets in and she takes a long hot shower to try to relax. She allows her mind to drift to those few moments with Jim in the office as she stands beneath the hot spray of water. She places her hands on her hips where he had his hands, trying to recreate his touch. She resolves that she wouldn’t see Roy at any time tonight and her discussion would need to wait until tomorrow. She feels really anxious about this talk she’s about to have with Roy so she packs an overnight bag and slides it under the bed as well. Satisfied, she gets into bed and pulls the sheets around her that smell like that beloved fabric softener and dreams of green eyes and long fingers.
