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Story Notes:

Apparently March 31st in the UK is National Jam Day, so what better way to celebrate than with our favourite Jam?

Thanks to YB and RD for their help on this. 

I don't own anything here, but boy do I love Jam.

Author's Chapter Notes:

I have made this recipe approximately 15 times. It gets better with each repeat.

Although it may be tempting, don't miss out step 3, or try to start from step 4. The jam will be better if the complete recipe is followed.

This jam can lead to a toothache because of its sweetness, but you can never really have too much of it.


126lbs of artistic receptionist
6'3 of sports loving paper salesman
1 small jar of jellybeans
A handful of mixed berries - always check the expiration date
A small knob of (ex-)fiancé
A large squeeze of a jealous (ex-)girlfriend / salesperson
1 tsp of Cece
A dash of Philip



Step 1:

Prepare the receptionist and paper salesman for around two years. Let them sit carefully with the jellybeans and mixed berries, making sure that no lines are crossed. Add in the (ex-)fiancé to create just enough tension.


Step 2: 

Put the ingredients in various settings including a booze cruise, an ice rink, and a house party. Make sure that they are thoroughly mixed, stirring for exactly 27 seconds. Spread the ingredients on a rooftop, and add in some fireworks and an iPod. This process will allow just enough signals to be sent so that they can be misinterpreted, causing pure and utter heartbreak.


Step 3:

Break the receptionist's engagement. Remove the salesman from the mix and put in another bowl. After a fun but tense phone call, return him to the receptionist, but add in another salesperson/jealous girlfriend. Sprinkle liberally with pepper spray and strain to remove the ex-fiancé. Increase the heat to a boiling point, hot enough to burn your feet on coals. Strain again to remove the now ex-girlfriend. Throw in a date and a forgotten question.


Step 4:

When you can no longer feel any unresolved tension and no words are left unspoken, add in a good dollop of smiles and giddiness. Keep the emotions as hidden as possible from others, but do add a ring at this stage. Also keep that hidden. Keep the heat on high, adding in an awkward dinner party and a weekend away at a beet farm. Add a splash of grape soda, but be careful when opening the can. It might explode on you. Throw in a few fake proposals, before having your thunder stolen.


Step 5:

Remove the receptionist from the mix and send to art school for the summer. It's very important at this stage to wait until the receptionist is returned to the mix to propose, however, if you can't wait, then meet in the middle to do it. Ideally move the mix to a newly purchased house with a terrace, but if you don't have one, one with a clown painting stuck to the wall will do the trick. Remove the receptionist temporarily again, before returning as a salesperson several weeks later. Add a few baby carrots and stir with dainty little fingers. Increase the heat, causing the ingredients to want to elope, but it's important that they don't. Keep on a constant boil and use a spoon to gently skim off any birth control.


Step 6:

Add in a touch of morning sickness at this point, however this can be avoided by removing any boiled eggs from the vicinity. Increase the heat one final time to set the jam, before ladeling into a church in Niagara Falls. However, if you don't have a church or would prefer not to use one, place a dollop into a boat until it sets and is bonded for life. At this stage, if you spill any of the jam on your tie, don't worry, you can just cut it off. Fold in a promotion and some uncertainty over job security. After nine months, there's going to be a lot of screaming and a little water, but don't worry, it's completely normal. At this point, let the mix sit for a few weeks with its new ingredient. Expect a few burps, and other such things from it, again, it's all very normal. Once it's anything but rested, just throw in a little extra vomit and carry on as normal. Allow the occasional night out.


Step 7:

If you've been a little exhausted so far, don't worry, now is the time to have a little rest while the jam begins to set more firmly. The salesman may seem absent for a large part of this step, but that's totally fine. Once returned, add some scones and cider, plus a few subs to the mix, but be on the lookout for thieves and uninvited guests. The main ingredients may decide at this point to sneak off, but give them some space. A spot in the warehouse, or preferably a closet, will do the trick nicely. Very nicely. Gold face paint at this point is optional, but Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes are not. The jam needs to say goodbye to an old friend at this point, before chilling for a while. Just don't let it set for too long, or it will be too hard. That's what she said. 


Step 8:

With so much jam to go around, it makes sense at this point to add an extra bun to the oven. Weigh up what's important with a list, possibly frame it. A replacement will be needed while one of the main ingredients tends to the bun, but keep your eye on it, or it will spoil the whole mix. Remove it as quickly as possible, tossing it into the garbage where it belongs. Add in some cute little outfits, and take portraits of your jam.


Step 9:

This step is one of the hardest, but stick to the recipe and you'll make it through. Initially, you may find the ingredients keeping secrets from each other, try not to ignore this. Lower the heat, keeping the jam barely simmering, and fold in a piece of pie. Make sure that it is not rhubarb though. Add a spoon of mayonnaise to the mix, and remove any lice you may find. Keep an eye on the temperature, you don't want to let the jam go completely cold and distant. Swirl in some couples therapy and a Chinese takeout to try to help things. You may find that a pig's rib can help to warm the jam up, but it's most likely that you're going to need to recap the entirety of this recipe to see that it is everything. Allow the jam to reconnect and set completely. It will last for up to a year in an airtight container. At this stage, find a realtor before finally moving the jam to Austin.


Step 10:

Start from step 1 again. Try adding a few more elements. They may have been deleted.

MrsKHalpert is the author of 40 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 1 members. Members who liked Homemade Jam also liked 383 other stories.
This story is part of the series, Cooking with JAM. The previous story in the series is Dinner for Two. The next story in the series is Yes, Chef!.

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