"When the storm rolls in,

Rocking my boat to and fro,

You shine calm and joy." 

Pam sat down, blushing, and closed the pink Moleskine notebook she had been holding. She had joined a creative writing club to try work on expressing herself with words as well as art. She found that the tasks helped her think more deeply about pieces of art she would study, or to describe the intent of her own pieces of work to her peers.

"Oh wow, is that about Roy?" Phyllis gushed from beside her. She was a senior but had only recently joined the creative writing club, hoping to ‘be able to express myself more romantically to my new boyfriend'. 

"Umm, yeah," Pam lied, looking down at her notebook and twiddling with her pen. She hadn't thought the haiku sounded that romantic, and wasn't in the mood to defend the depths of comfort her new friendship made her feel. 

As the rest of the group read out their haikus (the poetic form of the evening), Pam couldn't help but open her notebook back up to the page she'd read from and re-read the words written there. As she thought of the messages she'd exchanged with Jim a few days ago where he shared his series of Jell-o related pranks, a small smile snuck onto her face. When she'd messaged him later that evening after a dull make-up dinner with Roy, he happily shared a few more of the pranks he had pulled on his roommate. 

With Phyllis finishing up the group readouts with a haiku that Pam was fairly certain had inappropriately sexual undertones, Pam closed her notebook and pulled out her phone. Her decision to focus more on her relationship with Roy hadn't been going well; after their dinner he'd rushed off to play video games at his friend Lonny's dorm and she hadn't heard back from him since then. Isabel had suggested seeing if he'd get in contact himself without her trying for a week, so that was her current plan. The only problem - or benefit - was that it made it that much easier and difficult at the same time to channel her focus on Jim.  

19:28 

What time do you finish practice?

Packing up her usual beige Herschel backpack, Pam had a quick chat with Hannah, who she usually sat with during the creative writing group, and avoided talking to Ryan, who she really wished wouldn't do creative writing whatsoever. By the time she was leaving, she was smiling at her phone as she read her new notification.

[pamelam] jim9334

I just finished! Whats up? 

Quickly opening the app, Pam silenced the voice in her head telling her that she was really not doing much better than Roy to work on their relationship by clinging onto Jim's existence. She was still telling herself that the connection she felt to him was friendship - sometimes people just clicked. Pam knew she'd eventually have to evaluate this with more honesty, but wasn't college for finding yourself anyway? It's just part of my journey, Pam told herself as she typed out her reply. 

Gonna go grab some pizza in Diners if you wanna come? 

Nothing wrong with inviting a friend for dinner, Pam thought. She and Isabel and Marina went out for dinner all the time. Sometimes Pam had coffee with Devon while they were waiting for Isabel. 

Trying to rationalize everything you do with Jim really isn't helping your cause, Pam thought to herself as she walked out of the building, slowly making her way in the direction of Diners. 

She opened WhatsApp, and then iMessage, to check she hadn't missed anything from Roy. She had seen on his Instagram story that he'd been out the night before with Darryl and Lonny, which was nothing unusual - he never invited her anyway and she wouldn't want to go even if he did. She had enough of that when she went over to his dorm and they ended up there too, downgrading what she'd hoped to be a date night to a simple hangout. She didn't mind hanging out with his friends, she just wished he'd understand that there was a difference between a date night and simply hanging out. 

[pamelam] jim9334

Sounds good, will meet you there 

The smile on her face wasn't one she could control. Pam was well aware that she hardly knew Jim, but every part of her wanted to know everything about him. As she walked, she formed a haiku in her head.

This is not a date

And yet, it's all butterflies

They're hard to ignore

Not one she'd be sharing with her creative writing group - or any other person she knew - any time soon, but she could see a vibrant painting forming in her mind and made a note to dig out her gouache paints when she got back to her room. 

* 

"You're normally back before eight o'clock after creative writing," Angela remarked from her bed as Pam quietly walked into their dorm, not looking up from her book.

"Oh, yeah, I just met someone for dinner afterwards," Pam shrugged her backpack onto her desk chair before reaching for the lilac storage container that housed her gouache paints. 

"With Roy?"

"Umm, no, not Roy."  

As Pam pulled the chair back and rummaged under her desk for one of her small square canvases, Angela sat up cautiously and placed her bookmark into her book. "If you're coming back late from one of your evening things, please could you let me know in advance next time?"

Flinging the canvas onto her bed, Pam raised a brow. "Why?"

"It's none of your business, Pam."

Pausing her search through her pink paintbrush container, Pam folded her arms and looked over at Angela. Her confrontational nature was completely at odds with her white cat-print pajamas. "Angela, are you seeing someone?"

"Are you seeing someone?" 

"Yeah, Roy."

"So who's the guy that just dropped you off?" 

"What-"

"The walls are incredibly thin."

"Jim's my friend."

"Apparently."

As Pam stared incredulously at Angela, Angela opened her book back up, glad she had managed to deflect the trajectory the conversation had been about to take. Asking Pam if she was seeing someone by repeating her own question hadn't been to pry, simply a panicked reply in a desperate effort to not answer. Angela felt a little bad, as she could sense Pam was maybe a little uncomfortable now, but she was glad the conversation was over. Hopefully Pam would follow her request and let her know if she'd be back later than planned in the future. Her personal life was nobody's business but her own. And also God. 

Eventually, Pam got back to picking out a couple of paintbrushes and adding them to the little collection on her bed. She grabbed her pajamas, wash bag and an empty paint water cup before heading out to the bathrooms without saying another word to Angela. She was a little suspicious of Angela's reasons for wanting to know if she'd be back late - was she seeing someone?! - but Pam still felt a little flustered from how the conversation had ended. She'd have to dig deeper into the Angela situation another time. 

When she returned, Pam put her clothes in the laundry basket, wash bag away and turned off the main light, leaving just the glow from each of their bed side lights. "Do you mind if I put my desk light on to paint for a while?" 

Still feeling a little bad, Angela shrugged. "Sure."

Pam was exhausted and didn't often paint into the night - and if she did it was normally watercolor - but she was grateful for the creative outlet. After moving the supplies from her bed to her desk, she sat and painted a collection of confusing yet vibrant swirls, barely forming a cohesive pattern. She heard Angela put her book away and quietly go through her evening prayer as she turned the canvas upside down and disturbed some of the vibrant swirls with small, messy blobs in darker, muted shades. She felt a sense of calm wash over her as she layered and disrupted her work. 

The next morning, still feeling like she was in a slight muddle and a little awkward with Angela, Pam did a digital version of her painting on her iPad as she drank her coffee and opened up Instagram.

@ordinarydoodles

College life just feels like a confusing muddle of ups and downs but there's nobody to tell you how to get out of the muddle anymore. Rainy day = rainy mood. Anyone else? 

* 

Roy didn't exactly text Pam by the end of the week, but he did bump into her buying groceries on Day 6 of Pam's seven-day slot for Roy to get in contact with her. 

"Pammy! Hey!" Roy grinned as he approached her with open arms, briefly abandoning his cart. 

"Oh, Roy, hi," Pam smiled, putting down her basket to accept Roy's hug.

"How have you been?"

"Uh, fine," Pam shrugged. "Haven't heard from you in a while, what have you been up to?"

"Man, it's been crazy," Roy ran a hand through his hair. "We went to this party and it was wild, I mean, what a night! I really had to rest up for the game after that, coach would have totally kicked my ass if I was too hungover to play."

"That was a last weekend... I haven't heard from you all week."

"We won the game, thanks, Pam," Roy chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I was just here and there in the week, you know how it is." 

Pam threw Roy a sceptical look. He was pretty lazy with his college schedule, his ‘here and there' was highly unlikely to be related to classes and assignments or anything that might really be good reason to not text your girlfriend. Sighing, she picked her basket back up. "Well, congrats on the game."

"Hey, hey," Roy grabbed onto her free hand when Pam made her way to continue her shopping. "Let's go for lunch tomorrow. We can go into town - I'll pick you up." 

Chewing her lip, Pam took a moment before replying. She was beginning to hate how Roy constantly thought that a last minute lunch or dinner invite would make up for everything - without even apologising for not bothering to contact her all week. But he sounded genuinely keen to have lunch tomorrow, and she did like going into town for an afternoon out. Plus it was nice to feel wanted, even if it felt like an afterthought. "Sure. Just text me a time to be ready."