He sits in his car, phone in his lap.  Her number is already on the screen and all he has to do is hit “send”. 

But his fingers are frozen and all he does is stare down at a number that he really should've memorized, but hasn’t and probably never will.  

He knows a lot of numbers by heart and he distracts himself by reciting them in his head...not even just phone numbers, but months and dates and times.  

October 26th, 2001 …707-9458…Tuesday…17… May 11th …3:05 pm…  

He wants to think maybe it’s too late to call but in reality it’s only 8:45 and he’s pretty sure she’s nowhere near asleep.  He knows she’s tried calling him twice, only leaving a message the first time to which he couldn’t bring himself to listen. 

So he figures he may as well take a leap here and just do it…after all, that seemed to be the theme of the night.   

He wonders what he’s gotten himself into and wishes he had more experience with this type of thing to use as a reference.  And he wishes it were easier.

She picks up after the first ring.

“Hey.  Where have you been?  I’ve been trying to call you.”

“I know,” he says, running his hands through his hair.  He’s still sitting in the car in his driveway.  “I’m sorry.  It’s just…something came up.”

“Something came up?  Like what, exactly?”

He tries to read her voice but it’s hard because she always had that half-amused, half-sarcastic tone and he doubts that’s how she’ll sound when she hears what actually came up.He pauses for a few seconds and bites his lip, thinking of shiny brown hair and dark skin, trying to find something in them that will make him stop what he’s about to do.  But he realizes that there’s nothing there and there’s no turning back.

“Karen, um…this is really…hard.”

“What’s hard, Jim?”  Her words short and clipped. 

“Just…everything.  I realized something tonight that I thought I always knew, but then I wasn’t sure if it was true, and then it turns out it is true, and—“

“Jim, what?  I don’t understand.” 

“It’s just that I don’t know if I can do this with you anymore.” 

“Are you breaking up with me?  Is that what this is all about?  Because it sounds like it.”  Her voice is frantic and he hadn’t expected that. 

He lets out a breath.  “Yeah, I think I am.”

He hears her breathe in sharply through her nose but she doesn’t speak.

“Karen?” 

“A hundred and fifty miles, Jim.  That’s how far I moved, because you told me that Scranton wasn’t so bad.  And it turns out, that that couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Your office is a joke, your boss is an absolute basketcase—“

“Well, he’s…your boss too now,”  Jim says quietly. 

“Yeah, no thanks to you.  You know, I don’t get you at all.  You go from being totally indifferent one week to wanting a relationship with me the next.  And most of the time I felt like you were more of a brother to me than a boyfriend.  I deserve better than this, Jim.”

“Absolutely.  You do.  And I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more.  I really did—do—like you, Karen.  But the truth is…” 

“The truth is what?” 

“The truth is, there’s someone else, there’s always been someone else, and there probably always will be.” 

She doesn’t ask who but he tells her anyway. 

“It’s Pam.” 

“Pam…the receptionist?  Well, I guess that explains a lot.” 

“What do you mean, Pam the receptionist?  How many other people named Pam do we both know in Scranton?” 

“I just wanted to make sure I had it right.  And now I know why she gets up and leaves when she sees us coming into the break room for lunch and why you suddenly do a disappearing act whenever she and I are talking together.”

“I went into this with you wanting to start my life over, Karen.  I wanted to—to confirm that I could feel something for someone besides her.  And I did feel something for you.  But it wasn’t enough, for you or for me.  You deserve more.”

“And you finally got what you wanted, apparently.  I guess you worked things out with Pam.  Well, congratulations.”  She’s being sarcastic and Jim wants to hang up but he knows hearing her out is only fair.  “Forgive me for not wanting to know the details.”  Her voice breaks.

He holds his breath, knowing she’s going to cry. And she does. 

“I’m…I’m going to hang up now, Jim.” 

“Karen, wait.”

“I can’t do this right now.  Don’t be offended if I don’t talk to either of you for a while.” 

“Before you go, just let me tell you this one last thing.  I can’t control the way things work out.  Nobody can.  And when I tell you that this was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I’m telling you the truth.  When I tell you that I feel worse now than I ever have in my life, I’m not lying.  And I’m sorry.  Dragging you into this was unfair.  I’m sorry I didn’t think and I’m sorry I didn’t just wait.  But I don’t regret getting to know you and I don’t ever want you to think I was just using you.” 

He hears himself speaking but in his mind he realizes that there are no words in the English language, no combination of words and sentences, that could ever make up for anything.  Nothing that would ever make her think he’s not just a guy like every other guy. 

“Jim, I’ll remember that, and I’m sure someday it’ll sound really good.  But right now it means nothing and right now I’m going to hang up.”

She does.

He sits with the phone in his lap, thinking about Pam and imagining her "it's over" conversation with Roy.  He knows she’s got him beat because she and Roy were engaged, and he imagines her break-up speech probably ended with things being thrown and holes punched in walls.  Tires screeching.  He feels proud of her, suddenly.  

And she picks up on the first ring, too. 

“Hey,” she says sleepily 

“Hey.” 

“So how’d it go?” 

“Not good.  But I do have to say that she was slightly less angry than you were when we talked earlier.” 

“Shut up.  I wasn’t that angry.” 

“Oh, ok.  I almost thought I was going to have to get Dwight to come and protect me.”

“Good call.  You do know he’s been promoted to a brown belt, don’t you?” 

“I did not know that, but thank you, because that gives me a ton of material for when I see him tomorrow.” 

“Well, just don’t try stealing the belt again because I happen to know he wears it.  Every day.  Under his pants.” 

“Okay, I won’t ask how you happen to know that. But that’ll change anyway, when I tell him that Japan has issued a press release that states practitioners of Goju-Ryu karate must now wear their belts…tied around their heads.” 

Pam laughs.  And then she's quiet. “I’m sorry, Jim.” 

“Don’t be.  He totally has it coming to him.”   

“No!”  She laughs again.  “I mean, I feel sorry that you had to break up with Karen.  I’m not sorry that you did, but I…just…I know.” 

Jim sighs.  “Yeah. I know you do.” 

“And Jim?” 

“Huh?” 

“It gets easier.” 

When he tells her he loves her, it’s three hours later and he’s laying in bed in the dark.  He knows that he doesn’t have to say it just because they’re hanging up, but he wants to because he likes the way the words taste with her name at the end of them.  He likes that he’s still amazed it’s him saying those words to her. 

He likes that she giggles a little before saying it back to him.  He figures it means she’s amazed, too.