Since Karen's move to New York, Jim would hang his coat up, say a curt "Morning" to Pam, and bury himself in sales calls. Pam was getting worried, but she didn't want to say anything to him. There were a few times when she had to keep herself from blurting out "Are you still in love with me?" but then she would calm herself down because, frankly, she didn't know how he would react to her question. She knew the answer she wanted to hear, but she just hadn't really prepared herself for what would happen if he gave her another one.
And really, he didn't know the answer either. Ever since Karen left, he felt like he was living in a haze. If anything, Karen made him realize that he still wasn't over Pam. For all of Michael's quirks, being able to figure out someone's emotions was one of his greatest qualities. It was probably why Michael was such a great sales man. It's probably why things were so hard for Jim now.
The idea that Michael was right, that he really still loved Pam -- it just hurt too much. He had been so defeated the night they kissed that the idea of going through that again was making him physically ill. He had a bottle of Pepto Bismol next to his bathroom sink that he would have to take a swig from every morning before heading to work. Once he got there, he had to drink three cups of coffee before he was finally awake. He felt so tired that he wished he could just crawl under his desk with a pillow every afternoon, and every night, no matter how tired he was, he would lie awake for hours, his mind racing. All he could think about was Pam. She wasn't with Roy anymore, he wasn't with Karen. They were free to be together, no strings attached, but he still couldn't figure out if that's what she wanted.
He was lying in bed on a Thursday morning, staring at the clock again as the sky started to get lighter outside. He hadn't slept at all so he called the office, hearing Pam's familiar recorded greeting on the other end.
*****
"Thursday, 5:48 a.m.," Pam heard the voice mail announce. 5:48? She would have to fix the time stamp on the voice mail system. No one would be calling that early.
"Pam, it's Jim. It's about 6 a.m. and I'm not feeling well so I'm taking a sick day. Can you let Michael know? Thanks."
Pam's heart sank. Jim sounded so horrible and she once again tried to convince herself if wasn't because of her. She was failing miserably.
*****
Jim didn't show up on Friday either. He finally got some sleep, waking up sometime in the afternoon to walk to the kitchen and get a beer. That turned into five and he fell asleep on the couch. Waking up on Saturday morning, he realized he had been wearing the same sweatpants since he went to bed Wednesday night. He wasn't sure about that though so he took a quick shower, changed into some clean sweatpants, and put on a shirt.
He planned on spending Saturday night the same way he had spent Friday, but only after ordering some food. There was nothing in his kitchen and he didn't feel like getting in his car to go anywhere. He was sitting on his couch sorting through take-out menus when he heard a knock on his door. Dragging himself up, he slowly walked down the hall, hoping it wasn't someone he knew that would want to come in.
It was Pam.
"Hi," she said, taking in his disheveled appearance. She looked a bit worried and he wouldn't blame her. He probably looked like crap.
"Hey," he said.
"Um...are you busy?"
Let's see...he hadn't left the house in two days already and wasn't planning on ending that streak until at least Monday. "Nope."
"I brought Cugino's pizza. Thought you might be hungry. Green peppers are still your favorite, right?"
He gave her a half-hearted smile and moved out of the doorway, ushering her in without a word. He followed her down the hall and watched as she tried to move all the crap he had left on his coffee table so she could set the pizza down. "Here, let me help with my mess."
She smiled and put the pizza down, opening the box as he walked back from the kitchen with some paper plates. They each grabbed a slice and sat down at opposite ends of the couch.
"This is cold," Jim said after taking a bite.
"Probably because I bought it an hour ago."
"Why did you wait an hour before bringing it over?" he asked, his mouth half-full with food.
Pam looked sheepishly down at her plate. "I um...I was driving around trying to decide if I should come over or not," she said before taking a bite.
Jim stared at her and could only answer with an "Oh," before getting back to his slice. They each ate another one in silence before Pam said something.
"You're looking a little scruffy."
"Haven't shaved in a few days."
She chuckled. "Well, obviously. Did you at least take a shower or something?" He nodded an affirmative. "Well, it looks good on you. A little too George Michael maybe, but good."
They both laughed a bit before the apartment went silent again.
"Um...so do you want to tell me why you were driving around for an hour before actually knocking on my door?" Jim was trying to be nice, but got worried that it might have sounded a little harsh.
Pam put her plate on the coffee table and looked up at the ceiling. "Where do I begin?" she whispered, before turning to look at Jim. "You know how a few weeks ago you wanted to pull a prank on Dwight and I balked?"
Jim gave her a bit of a surprised look. "You want to start with Dwight?" he said sarcastically.
"Yeah. Weird, I know. Um...so I balked at pulling a prank on Dwight because..." She started to get nervous knowing exactly where she was going with this. "Dwight caught me crying in the hallway and was nice to me. Like really nice. He even gave me a handkerchief and put his arm around me."
Jim hoped this story was going somewhere because it was weird so far. "Ok," he said. "Why...why were you crying?"
Pam took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. "You know the day we did inventory? You were fighting with Karen about moving to an apartment close to here and I told you to give Karen a break. Remember that?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"And you listened to me."
"Well, it was good advice," he said, the side of his mouth curling up in a questioning smile.
"Yeah, I guess." She looked away from him again. "How do I put this? Um...the idea that you took my advice and took another step in your relationship with Karen...it felt like you were taking a step away from me and...it um..."
Jim was hanging on her every word now. "It what, Pam?"
She looked at him, looked at his eyes staring back at her. "It broke my heart."
The apartment went silent again. The only sound they could hear was each other breathing -- loud like the wind had been knocked out of both of them and they were just trying to catch their breaths.
"And...yeah," Pam said, breaking the silence. "I just...I realized that I was trying to give you relationship advice as your friend and I don't know. When you took my advice, it really hurt."
Jim tried to protest, tried to say he never meant to hurt her, but Pam stopped him before he could get a word out. "Just...it just made me think of all those times you did that for me when I was with Roy, and I..." She swallowed, trying to hold back the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry because it made me realize that you probably felt that way every time I talked to you about my problems. The fact that I caused you to be in pain like that over and over again...I don't think I can ever tell you enough how sorry I am about it."
Pam put her head down, feeling a single tear roll down her face that she quickly wiped away. Jim moved closer to her on the couch, putting his hand over hers. She looked up at him, a bit of her tear still clinging to her eyelashes.
"Pam," he said in almost a pleading tone. His face looked like it did that night in the parking lot when he told her he loved her.
She pulled her hand out from under his to wipe her eye again, then took a deep breath, hoping it would give her a little more courage to say what she needed to.
"Um...when Karen left, she hinted that Michael had said something to her that made her decide to go. Do you know anything about that?"
Jim took his hand off of Pam's knee. "Yeah, she said something about that."
"The night of Karen's party? Well...I'm pretty sure Andy and Michael were in Michael's office drinking spiked punch."
Jim let out a little laugh. "That sounds like Andy."
"Yeah," Pam said, smiling in agreement. "So anyway, I drove Michael home that night and he said something to me about what he told Karen."
Jim's heart started beating faster. Drunk Michael was never a good thing. He was hoping Michael hadn't told Pam what he had said to Karen. He was hoping against hope that Michael had just said something of no consequence to Pam.
"Jim?" he heard Pam ask. He looked up at her again, but she was staring at her hands in her lap. "He said you were still in love with me."
Jim felt the whole world collapsing around him, the couch engulfing him and swallowing him whole. He had an ache in his chest like it was going to explode.
"Michael was right, wasn't he?" Pam asked him, a hitch in her voice. She looked over at Jim and could tell the color was draining from his face despite the stubble covering his cheeks. "Jim, I..." She couldn't get the words out so they sat there, in silence, each trying to articulate what they wanted to say and not being able to.
Pam was the first to speak again. "I lied to you that night in the parking lot, Jim. You didn't misinterpret our friendship. I mean, I can't even tell you how many times I just wanted to grab you by the collar and kiss you or how many times I wished I was going home to you instead. But I was engaged, you know? As much as I may have wanted to, I had this person that I was committed to. So I would brush off my feelings or try to push you away when you got too close."
"Like when I kissed you?" Jim asked, his voice hoarse.
Pam shook her head a little. "Well, I kissed you back and I just remember being in that moment and not wanting to be anywhere else than there with you." She looked over and smiled a little at him. "And then you left..."
Jim looked up. "You told me you were getting married."
"I know, I know," Pam said, regret in her voice. "It's just that after you left, I was so mad at you. You turned my world upside down, Jim, and no matter where I was or what I was doing, everything just seemed unbalanced all of a sudden."
"So what happened?" Jim asked.
"Well, I called off the wedding. You know that part. It's wasn't because of you or what you had said. It was more just this idea that you existed. That there was someone out there who would treat me better than Roy did. It didn't matter who, it just mattered that a person like that existed. And that was it. I couldn't do it."
She couldn't do it. Fine, whatever, but that was more than six months ago. "You never called to tell me, though," he said, a hint of bitterness entering his voice. "I heard about it when Phyllis added a PS to an email she sent me about one of my old clients. Do you have any idea how that hurt?"
Her answer came out in a choked whisper. "I thought when you left, I had lost you forever."
It sounded depressing, but it made Jim smile -- this was something he could fix. Whatever ache, whatever tension, whatever pain was left in Jim's body seemed to lift in that instant. He felt a warmth returning, starting from his chest and radiating out to every part of his body, making his throat tighten and his eyes sting. He put his arms around Pam, pulling her into him, and whispered in her ear, "Pam, you never lost me. No matter what, you could never loose me."
He felt her pull away slightly to free her arms before wrapping them around his waist, pulling herself closer to him, her head snuggled into the crook of his neck. He could feel her silent tears sinking through his shirt and was thankful he hadn't shaved in a few days so his scruff could catch the ones coming down his face before Pam would feel them on her shoulder.
It seemed like an eternity before she pulled away from him finally, sniffling a little before looking back at him and smiling. That smile killed him every time. "Ick! Jim, I'm sorry," she said rubbing his shoulder where her head had been. "Your shirt's all wet and I think I got some snot on it."
He laughed louder than he had in weeks. "It's ok, Pam. It's a shirt," he said, wiping away some wetness from her cheek. "I have a washing machine that I think will take care of this."
She looked at him and smiled. "I feel alot better now."
"About my washing machine?" he asked jokingly.
"About everything."
"Me, too."
Her smile faded again. "You still haven't answered my question."
"What question was that?"
"Are you still in love with me?"
Of all the things to ask, this had gone from being the hardest question to answer to the easiest. "Yeah, I'm still in love with you. I always will be." He pulled her close to him, pressing his lips against her. He could taste her sweet vanilla lip gloss -- the same one she wore that night he kissed her in their office.
But this kiss was so much better. Her lips were warm and inviting. There was no apprehension between them, no pain. It was just...them.
She pulled away slowly, keeping her hand on his chest. "Jim, this is all...Well, this is alot for one night."
Jim gave her that little smile that she loved. "Yeah, I guess it is."
"I want to make sure we do this the right way, you know? No more things unsaid, no more games, no more complications. I just want it to work this time."
"Me, too."
Pam put her hand on his knee. "Ok, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to go now."
"Ok?" he said. "Um...was my kissing that bad?"
He always knew how to make her laugh. "No. No, it was not. But I'm just going to go home and sort out all the stuff going on in my head. And you know, with the whole Karen whatever, maybe you need to do the same thing."
"Oh, I've figured out the Karen thing already," Jim said matter-of-factly. "She was just a rebound."
"Just a rebound?" Pam responded in a teasing voice. "Wow. That's deep, Halpert. So why all the moping the past few weeks?"
"Why?" he asked her. She raised her eyebrows, urging him on. "I can't believe I'm admitting this," he said, taking a deep breath. "Michael was right."
"Yes, you should be embarrassed to admit that, Halpert," Pam said giggling.
"I know! See? Anyway, I've spent the past few weeks mad about it because, well, first off, Michael was right. And second...the thought of putting myself on the line again like I did last year was making me feel ill."
"Do you feel better now?"
He looked up at her. "Best I've felt in weeks."
He stood up from the couch, taking her hands to pull her up next to him. "So listen, you go home like you want to, and let's have lunch tomorrow. No pressure, no hang ups, no serious crap. Just two friends eating lunch together. How's that sound?"
"That sounds awesome as long as we pick somewhere with grilled cheese."
"I can do that."
He smiled, took her hand, and walked her down the hallway back to the door.
"Thanks for listening to me ramble on," she said before leaning over and kissing him lightly on the lips.
"Thanks for talking," he answered, giving her one of those loopy smiles that always melted her heart.
When she left, Jim closed the door behind her and put his forehead against the cold wood for a few seconds. Then he backed away to go wrap up the leftover pizza, running a hand along the wall in case he needed to lean against it to keep himself from getting dizzy.
He was putting the pizza in the fridge when he heard a knock at his front door. The second time tonight and probably the same person. He took a quick look around, trying to see if Pam had left something behind that she was coming back for. He went to unlock the door again, empty-handed. Pam was indeed standing there, but she didn't look like the same Pam that had just left.
"Hey, did you forget something?"
"Yeah," Pam said in a breathless whisper. In one quick fluid motion, she had her arms around his neck, mashing her lips against it. It was not the sweet, soft kiss she gave him before. Instead, it was as if she was trying to unleash every ounce of passion she had in that one moment.
Jim was more than willing to let her try.
He grabbed Pam around the waist and picked her up, pulling her back inside without taking his lips off hers. He pushed her back against the door, releasing a soft moan from her in his mouth. He pushed harder, closing the space between them, pressing himself against her warm body.
Pam pulled away slightly, resting her forehead on his, her breath hard and hot on his lips. "I'm sorry. I said I was leaving and I put my key in the car door, and I couldn't turn it." She looked in his eyes and could see the specks of green and brown in them. "Don't make me go home tonight," she pleaded.
"I won't."
"I know there's alot we need to work out, but please don't make me go home tonight."
"It's ok, I won't."
Author's Chapter Notes:
First of all, this is long. Sorry about that. Second, I titled this chapter "The End" but there's still one more after it. I promise.
Oh, and just a word of caution that this has spoilers from "Back from Vacation".
