“God, I missed coffee,” Sadie said, sipping her drink with a blissful expression. Pam just enjoyed the warmth of her cup of tea in her hands and felt herself relax. “So,” Sadie said, “we weren’t exactly finished with that conversation we were having.”

“The one about being dense?”

“Precisely.”

  “Sadie?”         

  “Yeah?”

“Do you really think he could forgive me?”

Sadie put her cup down and nodded. “I kind of think he already has.”

“I don’t know,” Pam said. “It’s been weird for a long time. I mean, the other day, when we went to lunch—that was kind of how it used to be.”

“How did it used to be?”

Pam took a deep breath. She knew the answer to this question better than practically anything else in her life. She had spent months thinking about the time before Jim said he loved her, the time before he went away. She had spent hours daydreaming about tiny moments and passing touches. She knew how it used to be.

“Comfortable,” she said quietly. “Happy.”

  Sadie nodded again.

“And I’m the one who screwed it all up,” Pam said. “I’m the one who said no.”

Sadie took a drink of her coffee and waited.

“I mean, God. He said he loved me. He loved me. How can he forgive me for saying no?”

Sadie raised her eyebrows. Pam felt her face start to crumple, and she hated that there was nothing she could do to stop it. Sadie just handed her a Kleenex and let her cry. After a minute, Sadie said, “Pam, why are you so hard on yourself?”

“I just don’t know why he wouldn’t hate me, after that.”

  “For one thing, Jim was a jackass, saying that to you when he did.” Pam smiled a little, sniffling at the same time. “He had years to say something to you, and he waited until you actually had your wedding planned? Hello. Jackass.”

Pam took a sip of tea and tried to compose herself.

  “I think he tried to say something before,” Pam admitted. “I think he tried, and I kept ignoring him.”

Sadie shrugged. “It’s possible. It doesn’t change things, though. I know Jim felt rejected, but come on. You had a whole life going on that he expected you drop. Totally unfair.”

“Maybe, yeah, but I was pretty unfair to him. I should have paid more attention. I shouldn’t have led him on. I mean, I didn’t really mean to lead him on, but I did. I totally did. And he had to watch me with Roy all that time. I never thought about how hard that must be—you know? Not until he came back with Karen.”

“Karen?”           

Pam glanced up quickly. “The girl he was dating in Stamford.”

Sadie shook her head. “He never mentioned her to me.”

Pam sank into her chair a little without even realizing it. She felt like she was deflating.

  “Are you okay?” Sadie asked, putting her hand on the table in front of Pam.

“Yeah,” Pam said, and she wasn’t sure it was true until it was out of her mouth. “I haven’t really talked about this to anyone, that’s all. I mean, I told my mom, obviously. But I didn’t have anyone else—anyone who really knows Jim.”

  “Well, if you ever want to talk more, you can call me,” Sadie said. Pam smiled at her, relieved that Sadie understood that even though there was more to say, she wasn’t ready to say it. “And really, Pam. Try to cut yourself a little slack. People do stupid things when they’re in love.”  

  “So. Decoration shopping. Big fun,” Jim said, leaning on Pam’s desk and popping a jelly bean in his mouth.

“I’m not telling you what we talked about.”

  “Fine. Hold out on me. I’ll break you down eventually.”

She bit her lower lip, determined not to show him how glad she was that he was there in front of her, maybe flirting with her, definitely acting like things were getting back to normal.

“So you’re coming to the party, right?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“No, you should come. I’d say I’d pick you up, but I’m going to be busy keeping Jonathon out of the way.”

“Yeah? What’s the plan?”

  “Well, I was thinking that I could take him out for some paintball,” Jim said, raising his voice and looking towards Dwight out of the corner of his eye. “Do you know any good paintball places?”

  “Hmm,” said Pam, pretending to think. “No, but I could probably find something for you.”

“Yeah, we’ll want to go someplace we can get lessons. From a pro.”           

“Absolutely. Good thinking. I’ll get right on that.”

Jim winked at her before he went back to his desk. Pam watched her computer clock, waiting for Dwight to break down. She had bet Jim that it would take less than two minutes for Dwight to offer his services. He was definitely going to owe her some chips.

   Pam owned nothing that could be worn to a disco themed party. She stood in front of her closet for ten minutes, staring at her clothes and wishing that, for just this one day, she had the wardrobe of a more interesting, more daring person. At one point, she got so desperate that she almost called Kelly, but she thought better of it and dialed Sadie’s number instead.

“What am I supposed to wear?” she said.

  “Hi,” said Sadie. “Clothes.”

“I own nothing. My closet sucks.”

“Get over here, Beesly,” Sadie said. “Once upon a time, I was skinny. I’m sure I’ve got something for you.”

Pam caught herself speeding three times on the way to Sadie and Jonathon’s house. She didn’t know why she was so anxious, so eager. She didn’t know why she wasn’t more nervous. She just wanted to get there.

Sadie answered the door in sweatpants and an old t-shirt.

  “Like my outfit?” she said. “I’m going for shabby chic, or something. Come on in.”

  Sadie disappeared through a doorway as Pam gawked at the streamers and disco ball. She’d never been here before, but she was pretty sure that this living room didn’t normally look like a roller rink.

  “Did you do all this by yourself?” she said.

  Sadie came back into the room with a couple of bottles of water. “Yeah,” she said. “I have all this extra energy today. Okay. Let’s go find you some clothes.”

Sadie’s closet was full and messy, and Pam was thrilled by it. Sadie pulled a few shirts down from a shelf, then handed Pam a couple of skirts.

“These are so short,” Pam said, holding them in front of her. They barely hit the middle of her thighs.

“That’s the point,” Sadie said. She handed Pam a red halter top. “Go change.”

   “I can’t wear this,” Pam said.

  “Um, wrong. You have to wear this. Go. Change.”

  Sadie pushed Pam into the bathroom and then disappeared again, leaving Pam to stare at the outfit in her hands. It took her several full minutes to get undressed—she kept unbuttoning her shirt and then buttoning it again as her mind fought a tiny war with itself.

  When Sadie knocked on the door a few minutes later, Pam was staring at herself in the mirror.

“Holy shit.” Sadie stood behind Pam and shook her head. “You can keep those. I’m never going to be able to wear them again knowing how much better they look on you.”

  “I really, really can’t wear this,” Pam said.

   “Too late. You’re wearing it.” Sadie picked up the jeans and blouse that Pam had left folded on the side of the bathtub. “I’m taking your clothes hostage.”

   “Sadie, come on.” But Pam found herself laughing, letting herself breath a little more deeply. Hey, she thought. I have really nice shoulders.

  “Let me do your hair. Oh! And your make-up!”         

  Before Pam could say anything else, Sadie had forced her to sit down on the side of the tub and was attacking her head with a hair brush. Pam decided that this was going to be fun.

Twenty minutes later, Pam’s hair was feathered and her eyes were outlined with dark eyeliner. She almost didn’t recognize herself. Sadie handed her a pair of heels and said, “Okay. Get out of my bathroom. I have to get dressed.”          

  Pam wandered out into the hallway, trying to get used to the heels and forcing herself not to fidget too much. She stopped in front of a row of picture frames. There were pictures of Sadie and a guy who looked too much like Jim not to be Jonathon, smiling and laughing. There were some pictures of their wedding—Sadie looking petite next to her tall husband, Jim in a tux, looking awkward with his hair slicked down. There were pictures of Jim and Jonathon with their parents, pictures of Jim and Jonathon when they were little boys, pictures of Sadie and Jonathon and Jim standing together on graduation day. She found herself smiling, running her finger down the frames, staring at this Jim who existed before she knew him.

“How do I look?” Sadie asked, and Pam jumped at the sound of her voice. She was wearing bell bottoms and a tie-dyed shirt.

     “You look great. Comfortable.” Pam gestured at her own outfit and said, “Unlike some people.”           

“Stop whining,” Sadie said. “You look hot. I promise you. Now, let’s go set out the food.”

“On those hot pink plates?” Pam said. “Who’s going to want to eat off those?”