Valentine’s Day

Talk to me, Tivo: Michael must visit corporate headquarters in New York on Valentine’s Day.
Jaminess: 2 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: Pam really likes Valentine’s Day, especially considering the cute card Jim gave her last year. Unfortunately, she told Roy not to get her anything too big because they are saving up for the wedding, which, as we all know, means Roy will get her nothing. Nada. Phyllis, however, got a nice bouquet of roses from Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. After reading the card from Bob, Phyllis says “Isn’t he sweet?” and the camera pans in on Jim. These camera guys know the fans too well.

Jim seems a little too giddy about breaking up with Katy so he doesn’t have to buy her anything. Instead, he’s playing cards with his stupid friends, but we all know he’s just hiding the fact that he wishes Pam was his Valentine’s sweetheart. He does seem a little too interested in what other people got for Valentine’s Day especially Dwight and “his” bobblehead.

Jim’s interest in the bobblehead distracts him enough to do something dumb. You do NOT ask Kelly “What’s up?” without knowing you are going to get an earful. Jim is getting no action and then he gets to hear Kelly explain every little detail that lead to her making out with Ryan. Ew. Just ew.

Another delivery guy, another bouquet for Phyllis. Pam is starting to look bothered by this. Phyllis needs to watch her back. Meanwhile, one of Jim’s “dates” for the evening totally cancels on him while Phyllis gets another date in the form of a huge teddy bear.

But things are about to get worse for Pam. Dwight needs some help with pleasing the one he loves so he goes to…Pam for advice? Oh, Pam. We’re sorry. We’re really sorry you have to give advice to Dwight about what he should be getting Angela for Valentine’s Day when you, so far, have received abso-freakin’-lutely nothing.

And things are about to get worse for Jim, too. He’s trying to be nice, trying to lend an ear to Kelly, when Ryan walks in on them talking in the break room. How desperate is this girl that she has to ask Ryan out with Jim right there? Jim is in such an awkward position, he actually feels the need to mutter “No, not while I’m here,” as if that would ever keep Kelly’s mouth shut. Phyllis gets more stuff, which Pam feels the need to bitterly drop on her desk. Poor Jim. Poor Pam. Poor Jam. Nothing is going right for them today.

Have I mentioned things are getting worse? Jim gets stuck going over this whole relationship thing — again! — with Kelly “We’d be so perfect together” Kapour. Jim is the president of the We’d Be Perfect Together Club, you can only hope to be a member, Kelly. This leads to Jim going off on Kelly about how Ryan really isn’t that into her, that she needs to move on and have fun. This leads the rest of us to think “Um…Jim…dude. Do you realize what you’re saying?” Jim may not, but the camera guy sure does because he follows Jim out of the kitchen and then pans in on the cute receptionist. How can the camera guys see the truth in Jim’s little lecture but Jim doesn’t?

Wait a minute…something is wrong here. How the hell did Dwight make a copy of his house key to show his love for Angela, but all Roy can do is offer Pam the best sex of her life? First, Roy and Pam have been together for 10 years and he’s offering her the best sex of her life now? Second, ew. Just ew. I don’t need to think about Roy and Pam getting it on because that means she’s not with Jim so ew. And third, how is it that Dwight can be more romantic than Roy…or really, anyone?

So Jim leaves the office unsatisfied again, Pam leaves the office to go home and be unsatisfied again, and both of them seem to get less action on Valentine’s Day than Michael apparently. What the hell?

The Others: Michael goes to New York City for a meeting with corporate. The day starts off bad when he goes to Sbarro for authentic New York City pizza and millions of New Yorker laugh at him. Then he mistakes some random chick on the street for a fake Tina Fey as a real Conan O’Brien walks by. Then he brags about sleeping with Jan to the other regional managers and one of them tell the head honcho about what he said. Jan gets pissed he said it, yet he somehow convinces her he can amend for his sins and he somehow does by taking the fall in front of the corporate guy. Despite all the idiotic things he does in that one day, Michael still somehow has used his manly moves to influence Jan to kiss him. Again, what the hell?

What have we learned today, kids: Valentine’s Day is evil. You’re not going to get anything delivered to you, you’re going to get stuck giving awkward advice to people about their awkward relationships, you won’t express your true love to the person you truly love, and the sex you get that night probably won’t be the best in your life despite earlier promises.

– written by Jenny


Pam: I really like Valentine’s Day in this office. It’s kind of like grade school, everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card with Dwight’s head on it. It was horrifying and funny. Jim: So I broke up with Katy and haven’t been dating anybody else. So this year, I don’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day. It’s gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over, we’re gonna play some card, and I’ll end up winning a lot of money because they’re idiots. It’s gonna be great. Delivery Guy: Can you sign?
Pam: Yeah.
Pam: Oscar.
Angela: Nothing for me?
Pam: Join the club.

Roy: Hey, babe.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: You almost ready to go?
Pam: I guess, yeah.
Roy: What’s wrong?
Pam: Nothing. It’s just that I had to sit here all day while Phyllis got, like, an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy: What? you’re mad at me?
Pam: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you’d get me something for Valentine’s Day.
Roy: Well, Valentine’s Day isn’t over. Let’s get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of your life.

Pam: Heading out?
Jim: Yeah. Alright, Beasly. Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day.
Pam: Bye.

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