Man, this is getting hard to read and yet, it's so good that I can't stop. (TWSS!)

I think this chapter sums up why I identify with Jim so well. My life was on hold for a long time because of decisions I made in my early 20s too (different reasons of course) and when I finally got back to dreaming again, I did feel like a little kid who wants to be a dolphin trainer or a firefighter when they grow up. Of course unlike Jim, I'm still going full force after mine, competing with those 23 year olds just out of college like an idiot, but whatever.

Oh right, the fic. Jim's bolded confessionals just rip my heart out every time. Everything is so subtle and you can see that he's not trying to lay the blame on her for wanting different things than him, but it's hard when you finally get the thing you've always wanted and now it's turning out differently that you expect. How do you start all over at this age to find the women to share you life and have your babies? So heartbreaking!

Author's Response: Ah Jenn -- I identify with Jim too. (But good for you for going after your dream full force! Awesome!) Yeah, I don't think Jim wants to blame Pam -- and frankly, I don't think he resents her for following her dream, it's more their history coming back to haunt them. Glad you're enjoying/surviving this story. Thanks for reviewing!

I was just getting ready to shut down my computer for the morning..you know...get back to real life. Then, POW! An update, I love you...

WOW.  Ouch indeed.  I wasn't going to leave this review - but I hope you take it in the spirit in which it's left - from one Jim/Pam writer to another.

I don't know what it is - but in general I am very sympathetic to Pam.   I was pissed at her various times in S2 - but S3 gave me a change of heart.  I guess it's my nature to always see both sides of things and I think both Jim and Pam were equally hurt and equally to blame for their year apart.  Jim wasn't fair to Pam either - and he waited until there was absolutely no time left to finally open his mouth.  He mislead her during The Secret re: the depth of his feelings for her.  I always try and remember that when I want to scream at her in GWH.  He said it was a crush - now he says it's love.  As a woman days from getting married it's no wonder she freaked out.   (Greg Daniels has yet to sufficiently explain to me why they didn't talk again before The Initiation and I don't ever expect him to.  That's the biggest problem I have with the show - but S4 was a decent apology - LOL!) 

Anyway - to that end I don't agree at all with Emily's assessment of S3.  She saw what went on with a completely different set of eyes than me.  But I guess that's the point.  

I know that what we often think is perfect often...isn't and I guess Emily's reaction is a realistic one - but I have to say I don't even recognize the Pam in your fic (again - probably the point) and some of the banter Jim and Emily share is very similar to the Jim and Pam banter I know and love (to write and to see on the show).    Not to say he couldn't find that kind of thing twice in a lifetime - but it's hard for me to imagine him matching as well with anyone else. 

Obviously.

Since this is your story the interpretation is yours I know I should expect her to be different.  I have to admit this is much harder for me to read than I initally expected. I knew I'd have to suspend my disbelief but I guess I just hit a wall here.  Please don't misunderstand, it's not the writing it's the fact that the subject just makes my heart hurt far too much.  I want to see the ways they can make it work. Right now I can't handle imagining that they won't be able to.  And so, when I write them - even if there's conflict - I "fix" things in the end.  That's just me.

It's obvious now there are many who are following along on your journey into "what if" - but I'm sorry to say this might be where I have to get off.  :'(   

Oh, this story just makes my heart ache. I love the flashback (because I love the angst), especially the end. Very nicely done.

Author's Response: Oh, someone who loves angst! Yay! Thanks for reading Kate6058 -- so glad you're enjoying (?) it!

10

Life got in the way of fanfic reading but I'm glad I'm caught up on this now! Honestly, I absolutely love Emily; I really feel for her, and I love the way you've described her reactions to Jim's behavior throughout the seasons. The most heartbreaking things for me to read are the flashbacks- because they're frustrating and melancholy, but more than that because the more this story progresses, the more realistic these flashbacks become. I'm really rooting for Emily and Jim, because I love how Jim's trying to move forward and how Emily's trying to understand him. I'm a little upset at Pam in a warped way; it's great that she's achieving her dreams, but heartbreaking that Jim can't be a part of that with her. So in a nut shell, dear Wendolf, you've evoked all these different thoughts in my mind and have constructed an interesting and intricate story, and that's really what fanfiction is supposed to do. So kudos to converting an avid Jam shipper to new ideas!

Author's Response: honeypioneer, thanks so much. You know, when I started writing this story I wanted to blame Pam for the demise of their relationship, but the more I write, the more I actually blame Jim (or at least his inability to feel secure in their relationship). Pam definitely left some scars in the early years and I think it's really Jim who can't get past that. (Not that I blame him . . . just that he wants more than what Pam can give him, maybe.) Anyway, I'm glad the story works for you, even though it is sad. Thanks for reading!

Just wanted to say that I really love this story so far.  While I don't think this would happen on the show - nor do I want it to! - I'm finding this story really enjoyable.  And while I'll always root for Jim and Pam on the show, it's so well written and in character that you can't help but get caught up in the story and feel for Emily, who you've turned into a really likable character.  Can't wait for more!

Author's Response: I agree WowJustWow-- I don't think this will happen on the show either. But I like exploring possibilities. Glad you like it and thanks so much for reading!

8

All I could think about when reading Emily's reaction to Season 3 was how is she going to respond? She is now aware how much Jim loved Pam, and she'll have to ask herself, and Jim, what would happen if Pam ever wanted him back? If Emily and Jim fall in love, marry, have kids...how will she ever feel secure that one call from Pam wouldn't put an end to her world? I have to put myself in her place and feel that fear...is it encompassing enough that I would give up a chance with Jim? I would want to be with him, and I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself, since it's Jim, but wouldn't there always be a huge fear that it wasn't what he REALLY wanted?

Very well done chapter, very thought provoking.

Author's Response: YES! Thanks jkfan -- that is something that's been sort of haunting the edges of my brain . . . Emily feeling like she's now going to compete with Pam. I'm anxious to see how that plays out as well ;-) Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

Thank you for opening up so much about yourself in the previous chapter. Also even though the pairing of Jim / Other may not be popular one, I think the whole point of Fanfic is to explore a different world with the characters that we love. Emily wanting to be Jim's Pam is such a vulnerable and heartbreaking thing for her to think. The ghost of Pam if not only lingering in her apartment but probably between her and Jim as well. Poor Emily -- wait until she watches Season 4 and all the great JAM moments. Also, I think I like her a little bit more because she doesn't text (because I don't either).

Jim/Pam -- it's frustrating to watch them slowly fall apart. I think what makes their unraveling so believable in this story. It is a gradual change for them. It's not happening over night. The last line: Then we made love as if our bodies were trying to say all the things our mouths couldn’t. Great line, filled w/ sadness and passion. And capturing the mood of their new years eve and upcoming new year.

No pain. I'm happy. Or maybe I'm heartless...either way, this story doesn't make me feel too bad for Pam, because I know that's not what you're intending.

I can't wait for Emily to finish watching the show, and finally make contact with Jim again. I know it will probably be difficult and awkward, but I sure can't wait for it!

Until next time,
#1

Author's Response: malaz, I'm glad to know you're still out there. I think some people are really struggling with this premise, so it's nice to know I'm not crazy to think this story is actually kind of fun or exciting, in a way (along with the obvious sad parts). It's all just pretend, anyway! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Painful to write and painful to read, this chapter.  I'm feeling really bummed right now and that's a tribute to your writing and how invested I become.  It was interesting to follow Season 3 along with Emily.  I guess I expected that, like the rest of us fanatics, she would be caught up in the JAMmy goodness.  I was kind of pleasantly surprised that she wasn't.  She's developed a protectiveness for Jim, so of course she wouldn't be full of love for the official start of Jim and Pam's relationship.  The NYE flashback makes me so sad.

By the way, sick pup that I am, I've started re-reading your prior stories.  Read your first fic, Lost and Found, yesterday.  I've been a fan of yours from the start, as you know, but I guess I didn't realize how much better you've gotten with each story.  They just keep getting better. 

Good god, woman, you break my heart. I wish I could say I am enjoying this story but it's more like...I respect what you're doing. Pam's transformation, though dramatic, is not at all implausible.

I do have to say this. Pam gets a lot of flak, not just in this fic but in others I've read as well, about her big statement on the beach still being too subtle/not grand enough. I have to disagree. Two statements: I called off my wedding because of you and there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding, but the truth is none of those reasons mattered until I met you are pretty darn bold and straightforward, in my opinion. Especially in front of all your co-workers and the guy's new girlfriend. Not sure why, but I just feel like I have to defend her.

But, um, these are fictional characters... these are fictional characters... anyway I'm still impressed by what you're doing and see? The powers that be know good writing when they see it. :)

Author's Response: Yeah, Pam's beach speech seems to be a love it or hate it kind of thing (like black licorice). I personally was underwhelmed. I know she put a few brave bits out there, but then she backpedaled. I sure think she tried, but I would have much rather seen her talk to Jim honestly in private than semi-honestly in front of her co-workers (but I blame the writers for that, not Pam). Anyway, I know I give her flak a lot about that, but . . . well . . . it's my story. (Nice defense, huh? Very mature.) I just think that Pam shows a PATTERN of only going so far, of only giving so much when it comes to Jim. That beach speech was par for the course. But even still -- love her. I truly do (even though it might seem like I don't). Anyway, thanks so much for reading even though I'm breaking your heart. Seriously.

I just want to say that I'm completely with you on Pam's little turnaround, mostly because we are seeing it from Jim's point of view and I think it's actually happening more gradually than it seems. I can see Jim's insecurities causing him to hold back from Pam just a little bit as the summer goes on and the ring stays in the drawer. Along with Pam's new discovery of her art friends and her creative outlet, she can probably feel Jim's unsureness (that's so not a word, I know) and that causes her to pull back a little. Little by little they stop talking about their future because neither one of them wants to be the one to be "all in" if they other one doesn't want it. I'm not sure I totally buy that Pam's not a traditional girl who wants to get married and have babies, but I can see Jim grabbing that conclusion out of the air to justify/rationalize what he's seeing and feeling about the changes she's made in life.

I mean, the part in the last chapter about Jim wondering what Pam talks about with her new arty gal pals, whether they think he's a loser and whatnot just speaks volumes about the problems they are going to go through if neither one of them wants to speak up. And to me, that all stems from the lack of a "Pam moment" as I've come to call it. During all of season four, I was dying for a moment where we really, really see Pam take the big step forward for once and show that she really truly is in this for good. Jim laid it out in Casino Night, he's the one who asked her out in The Job and he's the one who came into the office and kissed her in Money and said screw it in Job Fair to kiss her senseless in front of their co-workers. Without a moment where Pam steps it up, I can see Jim's insecurity and frustration about always being the one to make the move just festering. And all that makes a girl like Emily who actually kisses back, invites him out and says, "no matter what I see, I'm going to call you" seem all that more appealing.

Author's Response: Jenn, my sista'! We are totally on the same wavelength here! You nailed it. And you're right -- I do think Pam is still a traditional girl, I just think that maybe she wants to wait a little longer, but Jim's already been waiting, like, 6 years. (again, their bad timing). To me it always seems like Jim was the one taking the big risks, and that can get exhausting after awhile. Without the "Pam moment" (love that!), he's never going to feel totally secure in their relationship. And even with it, he might not. GREAT review! Thank you so much!

I'm becoming redundant.  This is so well written and so sad.  The last paragraph in particular is killer. 

I still had the ring in my nightstand; in fact, when I packed up my apartment I took it out and looked at it while Pam was in the next room. I thought about doing it right then – just asking her and putting myself out of my misery. I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe because Pam no longer seemed to be holding her breath waiting for it.

Wow.  ...putting myself out of my misery?  So sad to think that this is what idea of proposing becomes to Jim.  And the last sentence is just wonderful.

On a lighter note, today I had an epiphany!  In an earlier chapter 5, Jim says the show was on almost 5 years.  I'm thinking that means you have to make up the events of season 5 ... I absolutely cannot wait to see what you come up with!

I AM worried to see what Emily makes of S3 Jim.

And I personally don't find it so inconceivable that Pam would have a change of heart like this.  She's suddenly put into an environment of "her peers" and can relate to people on a wholly differentl level than before.  She and Jim apparently still have the communication firewall up, he seems to be clamming up, she's frustrated that he doesn't want more for himself.  And it's kinda of like being a born again Christian, a reformed smoker or a person who's lost a lot of weight.  Rather than seeing your former self in that other person, you feel just a wee bit smug and judgmental. 

I'm hoping you have many, many chapters outlined, my friend!  I am loving, loving, LOVING this story.

BTW, the stars didn't come out right last time!  It was supposed to look something like this:

*********************************************
*********************************************
*********************************************
*********************************************
*********************************************
*********************************************
*********************************************
*********************************************