Dude, pick a tense. You start out in past tense, and then switch to present tense. Disorienting. Also, use a spellchecker. I kept stumbling over misspelled words. You want as few distractions as possible.

As for the content, sure, it's a bit raw, but guys are pretty raw. This certainly SOUNDS like a man writing. :-) Complete focus on the physical. I do have one question, however: why does EVERYONE assume Jim wears boxers?