Date: April 20, 2007 11:07 am Title: [1] Unspoken
I really enjoyed this. I love the mix of poetry and narrative it's quite unusual but very refreshing. I hope you'll post more!
Date: December 22, 2006 07:15 pm Title: [1] Unspoken
Like the first 2 reviewers, I too found the formatting a bit distracting. But I enjoyed the story so much I kept on reading till I got to your wonderful ending! I think it was an awesome first fic and definitely hope to read more from you. I loved this line - "And Jim? Whoever she is, tell her."
7 [Report This]Date: December 22, 2006 06:57 pm Title: [1] Unspoken
Hmmm, I liked this. I like the poetic quality to your prose, and the ending is very...them. They don't necessarily need words. And I like the recurrence of the tear in each of their hearts. The formatting was a bit distracting, though - but I understand if you were going for more of a poem-esque layout, which would make sense given the content.:) Either way, I hope you write more!
9 [Report This]Date: December 22, 2006 06:22 pm Title: [1] Unspoken
Okay, constructive criticism first (because I really loved this): I think the formatting might be why you haven't had many reviews; lots of readers will skip right over a fic that's got wonky formatting (which is often entirely out of the author's hands, I know from personal experience). So I would recommend going back and re-formatting this so it's 1) not all centered and 2) spaced some way other than single (I learned from experience that writing fic for internet readers is different than presumable "paper" readers in that it's easier for your audience if you have much, much shorter paragraphs.)
Enough of the boring style-related stuff.
I really, really liked this; you are obviously a writer who can do prose in the guise of poetry; you clearly have a gift with the language, a way of presenting seemingly straighforward scenarios (such as Pam trying to appear nonchalant) in a manner that is so eloquent and enchanting - love it, really.
When I read the line, "I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry," I felt my stomach contract because I could see Jim just cutting to the chase that way. While I don't agree with the current Jim-bashing, I do think that when he realizes something isn't working out (i.e. Katy), he immediately rectifies the situation. And while his manner of breaking up with Katy was brutal (though totally just if you take the deleted scenes as canon), it came off as cold. But I don't think that's really Jim.
And you've captured them both so well here. Hope you write and post some more, applepear!