Date: September 25, 2011 04:03 pm Title: Jim Halpert and a little container of mixed berry yogurt
Hello and welcome to MTT. :)
First, some administrative/technical suggestions that as moderator I have to share. :) First, the only character you've listed is Todd Packer. I'd suggest adding as many characters and genres as you feel fit the story so that it can be found in a search. Second, formatting on this site can be a bit tricky; as you can see, the lack of lines between paragraphs makes this hard to read. I know I've had trouble with the way it looks in my Word document converting over here, so you often have to make alterations to make it look the way you want it to. Make friends with the "Preview Story" button. :)
As for the story itself! Not a bad idea, but I have a hard time seeing that geeky kid in the Email Surveillance high school yearbook photo being considered the hottest guy in school. ;) And how on earth did he notice her yogurt was expired from across the room? It probably sounds petty, but I think that attention to detail makes a better story.
Just food for thought. So to speak.
Again, welcome to MTT!
Author's Response: haha thankss! im still new and i didnt mean to add just todd packer, i meant to add more than that. ohhhh,and this is kind of an "alternate reality" story, so in this jim is hottt;) & if you go back and watch the episode called "launch party" she says that on her first day at dunder mifflin he came up to her and said "there is no way for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired". thanks for the helpful tips:)
Date: September 25, 2011 11:59 am Title: Jim Halpert and a little container of mixed berry yogurt
Great idea. My only suggestion would be to get a beta. It's always good to have another set of eyes take a look at something,so you don't repeat yourself etc etc :)Please don't take this as a negative feedback, all the best writers on here use betas :)