Date: September 03, 2018 04:01 pm Title: Chapter 2
This chapter got kind of confusing. There were a lot of times it was just two people talking but there was little context to know who was talking or where. The exchange Jim and Larissa have about the paternity test is a good example of that. We go right into the scene right from another without any description. I was very confused at first and didn't know who was talking. I was able to figure it out, but it took a couple re-readings to be sure. I'd really recommend you have someone read your chapters once your finished with them so you can make adjustments before you post.
So that's the technical side. Story wise, it's nice to see Pam help Jim out. Caring soul that she is. Adding a baby to the Casino Night dynamic is an interesting twist on the familiar tale. How that's all going to play out could make for a compelling scenario.
Author's Response: I tried putting horizontal lines in between each scene and it wasn't working at the time, so I'll try again, maybe a different way when I have little more time. You are always so helpful, so thank you for both the writing help and reading!
Date: September 02, 2018 09:32 pm Title: Chapter 1
Please PLEASE continue this! Would love to see Roy out of the picture quickly. Honestly I wouldn't even mind if this happened while Jim was dating Karen and he sees that not only would Karen fail him in a situation like this because she wants to not be tied down etc, but also he doesn't want her to be the one that's by his side for this. This could be a really great story. I admit that the idea of Jim or Pam either one creating a child with someone other than each other really huts my heart a bit but if done right, it can be shown that the child seems like it was always meant to be theirs. (If that nakes sense.) You're a wonderful story teller and I truly believe that this is very different than anything being written even somewhat recently and I so very much want to see the journey you wil, take them, and us, on. So PLEASE come back and continue this. I really look forward to it!
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much. This means so much to me, you have no idea. I am working on the next chapter, but my life is a bit crazy right now while I am adjusting to college :). I am also working on a timeline to clear things up. It will be a slight AU but I am trying very hard for it to follow canon as close as possible.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing <3
Date: July 11, 2018 09:09 am Title: Chapter 1
Well, of all the fic I seen like this I’ve never seen Katy as the mom so that’s a new one! I’m *really* curious how you’ll get to jam from here.
I hope he goes for a paternity test because technically the baby is too old to be his... (I’m just teasing though, it’s AU... suspend disbelief :D)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading! I am glad you are enjoying it.
Date: July 07, 2018 08:19 am Title: Chapter 1
A review in two parts: by warrior4
Part the first: You have an interesting concept here and the start of what could be a good story. In some ways it's a tad unrealistic though. If Katy had already talked to a social worker, there's no way any social worker I've ever met would agree that Katy leaving a 2 month old baby alone on a door step in the middle of January with a paper saying "sign here" would be good. Now I get that this is fiction and we can suspend disbelief for a bit as well. But it might be something to clear up.
Part the second: You may want to clean up the formatting a bit. The first two paragraphs are easy to read because her online there are breaks. Those breaks make it easier to follow who's talking and the like. Then when Pam comes over it's this wall of text on the left side of the screen that tends to run together. Also adding in more narration and description rather than just dialogue will help flesh out how you want the story to come across. One of my favorite authors once said it's the writers job to "paint a picture with words."
Big long review that I hope you found encouraging. It's a good idea and a decent start.
1)I agree it's a little out there, so I hope the suspension of disbelief works out on that one.
2)I will keep these things in mind for the future chapters. Like I said it just wrote itself over the course of an hour at about 10 at night, so it's not totally perfect.
These are the reviews that I love, I always appreciate help. Thank you so much again, for reading and reviewing <3