Ham and cheese sandwiches.

There were few things more dependable, more comforting, to Jim Halpert than a ham and cheese sandwich. Especially when it was made just right: white bread, a touch of mustard, ham, and American cheese. Lettuce optional. He'd been grocery shopping the previous night, and when he'd strolled past the deli he noticed his favorite type of ham, black forest smoked, was on sale. He took it as a sign that he'd been blaming his lunch choices for his life's problems and immediately asked for a pound, thinly sliced, as a way to rectify the situation. To hell with salads for lunch - nothing had been solved going that route. And tuna fish sandwiches has only resulted in a silly nickname. No, he was officially back to daily ham and cheese sandwiches, if only as a means to keep his sanity. There were other things he wished he could change back to how it used to be, but those weren't so easily fixed.

And so it was that Jim was minding his own business that day, eating lunch in the break room. He appreciated the solitude, and he was enjoying his first official ham and cheese sandwich. Karen had gone out for lunch to do some furniture shopping. Specifically to shop for a new bed. She had invited Jim to come along, hinting that he was at least as invested in the purchase as she was, but he quickly found an excuse to stay behind. He knew any other man would have jumped at the offer, but that man would also probably be having sex with Karen every night. Jim, on the other hand, had been finding ways to avoid the whole situation. Not that sex with Karen wasn't fantastic, because it was. But on more than one occasion he found himself closing his eyes when he was with Karen and imagining he was touching another woman: a woman with curlier hair, whose skin probably turned pink within minutes of being out in the sun, a woman who's smile just melted him. He felt guilty for doing it, and he worried one day he'd say the wrong name, so he did what he was best at: putting up walls and keeping his distance. He knew Karen was beginning to notice.

Jim's lunchtime solitude was short-lived. Kelly pushed the break room door open, balancing a take-out salad and diet coke in one arm and her iPod stereo in the other. She was giggling in that uniquely Kelly way, and Jim was about to wrap up his lunch to escape when he saw Pam walk in, too. They nodded hello to each other, and Jim decided it was might be worth it to stick around.

“Oh, hey Jim,” Kelly said. “What are you doing in here all alone?”

Jim smiled politely as he opened his water bottle. “Eating lunch.”

“Well, I need to play Pam some music. That's not going to bother you will it?”

Jim shook his head. “Be my guest.” He was interested in seeing what was about to play out, because Pam looked distressed when she saw him.

Kelly put her stereo on the table next to Jim, and sat down. Pam bought a coke and took the chair across from Kelly. She was practically facing Jim, and her proximity made him feel slightly self-conscious. He was pretty sure she was feeling the same way, because there was a slight pinkness to her cheeks, and she averted her gaze whenever their eyes met.

“Okay, so you know I was reading that article in Cosmo yesterday,” Kelly said, opening up her salad, “the one that listed all the ways to raise your self-esteem, and as soon as I read it I knew it was something that could really help you, Pam.”

Pam opened her coke and nodded wordlessly. Jim thought the expression on her face made it clear she had no interest in boosting her self-esteem.

Kelly continued. “And one of the really great ways they say you can build yourself up is to listen to music with positive images. You know, songs that make you feel good about yourself. So I started thinking about what songs would really be perfect for you.”

“Okay,” Pam said slowly.

“See, I think your problem is that you were with Roy so long, you forgot how to make yourself attractive to guys. You really have the potential to be pretty, Pam. And not just pretty, but hot! Seriously! Remember that red blouse you bought online over the summer? I mean, I've never seen you wear that since the day you got it, and it was clear Roy thought you were really hot in it.”

Jim opened his container of carrots, wondering what he'd missed. He grimaced at the idea of Roy getting a chance to see Pam in something that made her look “hot”, even if it was well after the wedding had been called off.

“Well, it really wasn't appropriate for work, Kelly,” Pam said.

“See? That's where you're wrong, Pam. You need to practice dressing up here so when you go out you're that much more comfortable around guys.” Kelly turned around in her chair to face Jim. “Jim, don't you think Pam would look totally hot if she just jazzed her wardrobe up a bit?”

Jim nearly choked on a carrot. “Um, I think she looks fine as she is,” he managed to say.

Kelly rolled her eyes. “Sure, she looks fine, but does she look hot? She needs to start looking hot if she's ever going to find another boyfriend.” She turned around to Pam. “Guys just don't get it. But I'm telling you, if we could just get you to start showing a little more cleavage, wear a little more make-up, do your hair differently, Jim would see what I'm talking about.”

Pam's briefly looked up at Jim, and he felt a little sympathy for the trapped look she shot him. If Kelly only knew how “hot” Jim thought Pam was just by being herself, she'd know this entire conversation was irrelevant. And part of him squirmed at this topic because he could not stomach the idea of Pam dating anyone. He knew he had no claim on her, but it didn't stop him from wishing eternal spinsterhood on her if he couldn't have her. And last time he'd checked, he couldn't.

“Cosmo also says that how you think is just as important as how you dress,” Kelly went on excitedly, “so getting back to the positive song idea, I found just the absolutely perfect song for you. You need to start listening to this song every day, and pretend you're the one singing it.”

Kelly turned on her iPod and spent a moment locating the song. She plugged it into her stereo pad, and in a few moments the very popular song by the Pussycat Dolls began to play.

I know you like me
(I know you like me)
I know you do
(I know you do)

“Oh, Kelly,” Pam moaned, putting her head in her hand. Jim turned his head and put his hand against his mouth so he wouldn't laugh out loud.

That's why whenever I come around
She's all over you

“Pam, it's perfect!”

“How do you see that?” Pam asked. Jim noticed Pam had not even glanced once in his direction since the song started.

“Because you need to start acting like you could have any man you want!” Kelly enthused. “You have to start acting like even a guy with a girlfriend wouldn't be able to resist you.”

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me

Jim felt a pang in the region of his heart at Kelly's comment. Yeah, even a guy with a girlfriend wouldn't be able to resist you, he thought bitterly. Jim pushed the remains of his lunch into his brown bag. He was pretty sure he didn't need to hear any more of this conversation. He looked at Pam as he stood up, but she was carefully studying the contents of her yogurt pot. He could hear the song's chorus following him back to his desk, first in his ears, then in his head.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me

By the time Jim watched Pam walk back to her desk, that damn song was stuck in his brain on permanent repeat. He sighed and tried to focus on the sales projection numbers in front of him. For the love of God, he didn't even LIKE that song. But he couldn't go more than five minutes without hearing it in his head, or even worse, finding himself singing along. Thanks, Kelly. Thanks a lot.

He was still humming the song when Karen came back from her lunch break. She gushed about the new bedroom set she purchased, and Jim heard the Pussycat Dolls. She told him it would be delivered on Saturday, and in a hushed, husky voice invited him over to break it in. Jim found he couldn't even give her an answer because he was too busy singing that damn song. And every time it surfaced, all he could think about was Pam.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me

He was standing at the copier when he next found himself singing that song. He looked up at Pam, who was currently on the phone. He noticed that her curls were a little different today. Usually they looked tightly kinked, but today he could see they were smooth and loose. His hands automatically tightened into fists as he imagined how soft her hair would slide through his fingers. How silky it would feel brushing against him in bed. Nearly as soft as his memory of her skin.

He was so lost in his fantasy that it took him a minute to realize that she had turned back toward her monitor and caught him staring at her. He could feel himself blushing to the roots of his hair. He grabbed what was finished of his copying and walked away, his eyes fixed to the floor. He dropped his papers on this desk, and continued walking until he reached the men's room. He locked himself into the farthest stall and pressed his flushed face against the cool plaster.

Jim stood in the restroom, feeling like an idiot. He couldn't believe how obvious he'd been, gawking like a school boy. His reaction was even worse. He couldn't have just smiled and blown it off. No, he had to act about as guilty as it was possible to act, then run away. If she didn't know before that he still had feelings for her, she'd have to be blind not to know it now. He briefly wondered if he could just leave his resignation on the bathroom sink and sneak out the stairwell.

He spent five minutes resigning himself to his fate. He splashed cold water on this face to make sure most of the flush had left his face, and walked out of the men's room. He went into the break room to get some water, and found Pam there, pulling a coke can out of the vending machine.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me

“Hey,” he said, hoping against hope that she really didn't see him longing after her at the copier.

She turned around, and an amused smile almost immediately appeared. “Hey,” she replied. “You okay?”

He nodded, perhaps a bit too much. “Yep.”

“You seemed to be lost in a daydream at the copier out there,” she said tentatively. “The way you suddenly rushed away made me wonder if you were feeling all right.”

Jim couldn't quite bring himself to meet her gaze. “Yeah, I'm okay.”

She nodded, then continued to stand there silently. He finally looked at her, and saw that she was still looking at him, her head tilted slightly. She looked as if she wanted to say something. She cleared her throat, and finally spoke. “Sorry if Kelly interrupted your lunch.”

He felt the tension begin to leave his body as he realized she wasn't going to say anything more about his earlier actions. Part of him felt disappointed that she didn't. Jim shrugged. “I was just glad to be there to absorb her wisdom.”

Pam grinned. “You mean her Cosmo wisdom.”

Jim grinned back. “I hope you've been listening to your theme song.”

Pam laughed. “God, I haven't been able to get that damn song out of my head since she played it,” she complained, “and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I hate that song!”

Jim joined in her laughter. “Oh my God, me too!” he confessed. “How in the hell do you make it stop??”

Karen appeared in the midst of their laughter. “What's so funny?” she asked cautiously.

Jim and Pam looked at each other, and knew it was a situation you had to be there to understand. “Oh, it's nothing important,” Jim muttered.

Pam looked down at her coke, mumbled something inaudible, and walked out of the break room.

Karen watched Pam go, then turned a concerned eye at Jim. “Are you sure there isn't something I should know?”

Jim shook his head no, and immediately felt deflated. He'd survived his earlier embarrassment only to find himself burdened by guilt.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me

Yeah, he had to admit it. He did wish his girlfriend was fun like Pam.