Pam is sick of hearing about Valentine's Day plans. Sick of the commercials, of the decorations in the stores, of the multitude of couples making out on street corners. She feels like everyone at work is in a relationship except for her. She overhears Michael making baby-talk over the phone with Jan (who promptly hangs up on him each time), she can see Karen making goo-goo eyes at Jim every time she looks up, she overhears Dwight and Angela in the kitchen making Valentine's Day plans as she comes out of the bathroom one day, and Kelly has been wearing even more pink than usual for a week straight, and perching herself on Ryan's desk so often that Pam's surprised Kelly hasn't been fired. Even Roy's been annoying  as hell since last week, showing up at her desk a few times each day, talking to her and paying more attention to her than he had when they were engaged. Sometimes, she has moments of weakness where she thinks it would be so easy to just fall back into things with Roy. But then she comes to her senses. She blames her lapses in judgement on the stupid red and pink hearts everywhere.

This is why she sits in her living room on the Monday night before Valentine's Day, painting- creating worlds on canvas where the colors red and pink don't even exist. She only allows herself to use blue, green, yellow, and black. Her Windows Media Player play list is on in the background- she's added every song in her music folder, and put it on random. Every once in a while, she catches a verse of a song that reminds her of Jim- more specifically, how she feels about Jim, or how Jim feels about her, or how she feels about what she'd done to Jim and to their friendship, or how she knows Jim must have felt on Casino Night. And she has to skip those songs because for as long as she lets them play, she keeps finding herself reaching for the tube of red paint.

Without realizing it, though, she finds herself cataloguing in her mind each of those songs. She she sings them in her head all night, no matter what she does. Even when she stops painting and turns on the TV to watch "Heroes", she's still singing those words from those songs in her head.

All the next day in work, she's singing snippets of those songs whenever she sees him. Six years, such a long time, something special between you and me... when he comes in in the morning and smiles as he passes her desk. I dive in at the deep end, you become my best friend, when they talk at the soda machine in the break room and it's almost like it used to be. Let my body do the moving, let my hands do the soothing when she sees his lanky body stretch as he yawns and he happens to twist in his chair and catch her eye as he does. She blushes profusely. He squints his eyes and smiles at her with a question. 

She realizes that she has to do something about this. She can't have their soundtrack playing in her head every day all day for the rest of eternity. So when she gets home that night, she wonders if she put each song on a CD and listened to it enough, her mind would be purged, and she won't have any repeats of the current day. But as she makes the CD, she has an idea. This may be just what she needs... may just be subtle enough to get some kind of reaction out of Jim towards her; some kind of realization of her feelings. She is so tired of worrying about the fact that he's dating someone else now. From the looks of it, he doesn't really love Karen. And they seem to be really off lately, so now may be the perfect time for her to let Jim know how she feels. And because she's too afraid to actually come out and say it, she has to be subtle.

She makes two copies of the CD. One for herself, and one for Jim. When she's about to burn Jim's copy, she reconsiders Depeche Mode's "World in My Eyes". It's hot, and gets some more intimate thoughts about him floating through her mind with lines like Let me put you on a ship, on a long long trip, your lips close to my lips, but it's not the exact message she wants to be sending to him at this moment. She definitely will in time, but she erases that one from the track list before she burns his copy.

She takes time labelling hers. She uses a red Sharpie, without even noticing the color at first, and she has to physically refrain herself from drawing a little heart at the end of her title:

Pam/Jim Mix

1. "Sweet Surrender" - Sarah McLachlan
2. "X&Y" - Coldplay
3. "Breathe" - Greenwheel
4. "Out of Sight" - Hooverphonic
5. "Shiver" - Coldplay
6. "Stay" - Mad At Gravity
7. "Something About You" - Level 42
8. "Possession" - Sarah McLachlan
9. "World In My Eyes" - Depeche Mode

On Jim's copy, she writes,

To Jim, From Pam

1. "Sweet Surrender" - Sarah McLachlan
2. "X&Y" - Coldplay
3. "Breathe" - Greenwheel
4. "Out of Sight" - Hooverphonic
5. "Shiver" - Coldplay
6. "Stay" - Mad At Gravity
7. "Something About You" - Level 42
8. "Possession" - Sarah McLachlan

She carefully tucks Jim's copy into her purse. 

------

On Valentine's Day, Jim comes into work and there's a red envelope on his desk with his name scribbled across the front. He doesn't recognize the writing right away, and he opens it to find a card that's sweet, but a little too sappy for his taste, as he opens it, a little slip of paper falls out. He catches it, reads the inside of the card and sees that it's signed by Karen, and then looks at the paper that had fallen out. It is hand written, and says, "Redeem this coupon tonight, and tonight only for dinner at any restaurant of your choice." He smiles a little and walks over to Karen's desk. She smiles up at him expectantly as he sits down on the edge of her desk facing her and says, "Thanks for this." He holds up the card to her.

"No prob," she beams, and stands up to hug him.

"I got you something, but I was planning on giving it to you after work, so..."

"Oh yeah, that's totally cool, she says."

"Well, I have to get back to work..." He points at his desk with his thumb over his shoulder.

"Okay. See ya," she says as he walks away.

------

The rest of Jim's day is pretty uneventful. Though, he hasn't failed to notice that Pam is wearing her hair down in much softer curls than usual. He spends 10 minutes in the middle of the morning trying to situate his monitor so that he can catch her reflection in it. And when he actually gets to see her face-to-face at lunch, he tries not to stare at her the whole time, wondering if she catches the blush that is obviously blossoming on his cheeks, hoping even more that Karen, who is sitting next to him, doesn't notice.

At the end of the day, Jim, Karen, and Pam are the last ones left in the office. Jim gets up to leave, and first walks the short distance to Karen's desk. She still has some work to do, but won't be very long, she says. They finalize their evening plans, and Jim heads out. On his way past reception, as he grabs his coat from the coat rack, Pam is just turning off her computer. Jim finds himself putting on his coat as slowly as possible as he waits for Pam. They're ready to leave at the same time, and they take the elevator down together. All is silent, but not awkward. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Pam glancing over at him as the elevator reaches the ground floor, and he smiles at her as he lets her out of the elevator ahead of him. Once in the parking lot, he leans over to her a little and says, "Happy Valentine's Day, Pam." She looks up at him, seeming surprised and delighted all at once, and she returns the sentiment to him. They part ways, then, as their cars are on different ends of the parking lot.

As Jim gets in his car, he feels something in his coat pocket. He pulls it out- it's a slim jewel case with a CD in it, labelled "To Jim, From Pam" in red marker. His heart skips a little in his chest as he realizes that this is a secret Valentine's Day gift. From Pam. Secret gift from Pam. He reads down the list of eight songs, and knows some of the artists, but none of the songs. Not by name, anyway. He eagerly pops it into his CD player after starting the car and listens to it on his way home, making sure to pay attention to the words. Pam has never given him this type of gift before, and though he tries not to read too much into it, he knows there must be a reason for it, so he makes sure to pay close attention.

The first song, he realizes that he's heard a couple times before, a few years ago. It's Sarah McLachlan, and the words just stand out to him. His heart drops as he continues to listen:

The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home

He wonders if this was what it was like for Pam last summer. He got to run away from everything, and she was left behind with an old life she couldn't go back to, and a new life she couldn't feel at home in. And he hadn't been there for her. He'd never really thought about it this way before, but now it was so clear to him. He'd been so wrapped up in his own feelings, that he'd never fully let it sink in what a huge change in her life she was going through at that same time. His stomach twists at the realization.

As the second song begins, he's almost halfway home, and again, there are words to this song that could be interpreted, if he let them, to apply to himself and Pam:

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can

Casino Night, he thinks immediately. The words "I can't" come back to him. At the time, he had been sure that she was lying; that "I can't" had been a cop out. She hadn't said, "I don't feel the same way," she'd simply said, "I can't," like her situation wouldn't allow it, and she wouldn't let herself try to change her situation, or to try to love him as more than a friend. Was she trying to tell him - now - that he had been right? Had she been too afraid back then to break away from her life and try to love him-- had she really wanted to?

He pulls into his driveway as the third song begins. He hadn't recognized the band's name, but he knows this song. Someone else did a cover of it, but he's too busy listening to the lyrics to try and remember who.

I played the fool today
And I can see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home is a feeling I buried in you

He isn't sure if this is the part of the song she'd meant for him to listen to, but it stands out as the very definition of what he'd felt when she'd turned him down on Casino Night. He wonders, if this is how she feels now. He almost hopes not, because it's not a good feeling at all to see your relationship with someone you care about fading away, to feel like the person who feels most like home to you is no longer your home. It's devastating, really, and can change you. But a little, tiny piece of him hopes she feels this way, because that would mean that he didn't misinterpret anything; it would mean that there's hope for their future together.

He ends up sitting in his driveway for the next half hour, listening to each song, picking out the sections of lyrics that he thinks and hopes are Pam's message to him. In track 4, he hears,

six years, such a long time, something special between you and me...

And in track five, he hears,

Don't you shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

In track six, a stanza stands out and he has to rewind and listen to it twice.

And I miss you in my fingers, and valleys in between
it's odd how feelings linger for something yet unseen
there's ages between my heart and my mouth
my veins throb with that which I can't spit out
Now I don't need much, just presence in mind
and the assurance your ache matches mine

This one may be the most telling, and it's the song that finally gets him choked up. He feels his throat aching, and knows now, that Pam does have feelings for him. That she's having trouble saying it. That she's afraid that he doesn't feel the same as her anymore. And he doesn't really blame her, since he'd come back from Stamford with a new relationship.

He  knows that he can't go out with Karen tonight. He doesn't know what he's going to tell her, but he's so overwhelmed, and he needs to think and re-evaluate, and he knows it's totally wrong to cancel on your girlfriend on Valentine's Day, but he has to do it, for his own sanity, and hers.

He keeps the CD playing as he picks up his cellphone and dials Karen's number, He almost laughs out loud at the obvious cheesy eighties beat at the beginning of track seven.

Karen picks up on the second ring. "Hey you."

Jim's stomach almost falls to the floor. "Um, hey," he says.  What is he going to tell her? Lie and say there was an emergency and he has to drive to his parents'? Tell her his pipes burst and his bathroom is full of water?

"What's up?"

"Um, listen... I don't know how to say this, but we can't go out tonight."

"Why, did something happen? Are you okay?"

He hears lyrics to the song in between his thoughts and her conversation.

How can it be
That a love carved out of caring
Fashioned by fate
Could suffer so hard
From the games played once too often...

"Um, no. It's just... I'm really sorry to do this to you over the phone, but something happened with... Pam."

"Is she okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah. I mean, remember those feelings I had for her?"

"Oh... You can't be serious, Jim."

But making mistakes
Is a part
Of life's imperfections

"I'm just really... confused right now, and it's not fair to you to go out with you and act like everything's perfect between us when it's not."

"I can't believe this."

"I'm really sorry. I never meant for this to happen"

"Whatever, Jim. You know what? I can't deal with this anymore. She can have you." Jim heard the resounding click in his ear of her slamming the phone into its cradle.

Track eight is playing as he takes his phone from his ear and stares at the display.

My body aches to breathe your breath
You words keep me alive
And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear
 

Jim lets his head fall back against the head rest, and lets out a sigh. As the track ends, the CD starts playing from the beginning again. Drowning in memories, reminders of what he and Pam used to have, what they'd both gone through - What she had gone through. It was startling. Jim starts his car again, and before he knows it, he's arrived at her apartment, with their soundtrack still playing in the background. He's never been here before, but he's ashamed to admit, even to himself, that he'd gotten her new address from Michael after he found out she hadn't gotten married. He was going to send her a card or something, but then realized he was getting sucked back into it all again.

He kills the engine, and walks up to her door in the dark. A warm glow is coming through the frosted glass of her front door, and soon, it's opening, and she's standing before him wearing yellow flannel pajama pants with little fence-jumping sheep on them, and a University of Pennsylvania hooded sweatshirt. Her hair is thrown up into a messy bun, and she has smudges of paint on her nose. She's never looked so warm and soft and inviting, and with the music still in his head, he steps over the threshold, slides his arms around her waist, and brings her to him gently, as his lips find hers. Tightly, tightly he holds her, and enjoys the feel of her eager lips on his, the sound of the contented whimpers in her throat.

He pulls away slightly, resting his head on hers. "Thanks for the gift," he murmurs.

"Thanks for listening to it," she says, smiling. But then she becomes serious again. "What about Karen?"

"Um, I think we broke up."

"Jim! You dumped your girlfriend on Valentine's Day?" She looks at him incredulously, obviously trying to hide a disbelieving smile.

"Well, she sort of dumped me when I told her I was cancelling our plans in order to see you."

Pam can't suppress a smile as she reaches around Jim to close her front door. She gets serious again, though, as she looks up at him. "I'm sorry that I messed up things between you and Karen."

Jim shakes his head slightly. "This might sound horrible, but she never stood a chance against you."

Jim thinks he hears Pam's breath catch in her throat a little, and she travels the short distance to sit on the couch. She pats the space next to her to have Jim sit down as well.

"Then why were you with her?"

Jim leans forward with his elbows on his knees. "I didn't think you had feelings for me. You told me you were marrying Roy, and then when you cancelled the wedding, you never called me to tell me. So I thought it was just a really crazy coincidence or something. So, there was Karen, this woman who was into me, and who I got along with well enough. She was a good distraction." He fingered one of the tiny cartoon sheep at the bottom hem of her pajama bottoms.

"Jim, I've always loved you." her breath hitches a little, and he feels her eyes on his face.

His eyes meet hers. "Well, I know that now, after your Valentine gift."

She smiles slightly. "So, what now?"

He smiles and takes a deep breath. "Well, it is Valentine's Day, and we are in love, so... I think that means we have to celebrate."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He reaches for her, and they embrace in a hug before exchanging a few more passionate kisses.

"So, junk food, cheesy movies, pajamas, and kissing, then?" she asks into the soft skin of his neck.

"Sounds like my kind of celebration."