Disclaimer:  Still don't own 'em, still wish I did.  No copyright infringement intended.

Pam frantically scurried around her apartment picking up this week’s discarded cardigans, a few stray glasses and the tissues she had strewn across the living room.  She picked up her sketchbook from the floor and sat it on the coffee table.  Maybe it would catch his eye – she really wanted him to see her work.

She went into her room and changed into jeans and a pink tee shirt.  Without thinking, she smoothed out the sheets on the bed.  “Get a grip Pam, he’s not coming over here to inspect your sheets.”  She blushed when she heard what she just said to herself.  “Okay, I’m not pathetic.”

She went into the bathroom to finish getting ready.  She looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and just shook her head sadly.  Her nose was red, her eyes were puffy and frankly her hair was out of control.  She pulled her hair back into a pony tail and washed her face trying to do something about the crying jags across her cheeks.  “That’s great Pam, invite him over when you look like crap and have less than 15 minutes to fix it.” 

She still had not figured out how to answer his question - how did she feel about him breaking up with Karen.  What should she say?  Would she finally be brave enough to tell him the whole truth?

The knock at her front door startled her.  She sighed, “That was incredibly quick.  Ok Pam, you can do this.”  She took one more deep breath as if encouraging her reflection to go open the door.  She turned and went to let Jim in.

“Hey.” 

“Hi.”  His voice was warm and tender and reminded her of a conversation they had a long time ago.

“Come in.”  She twisted a tendril of hair between her fingers as she led him into the living room.  Jim noticed she looked nervous because she was fidgeting.  Is nervous good?

“So this is the new Beesly abode?”  He felt awkward trying to make small talk with her, especially with such important issues to be discussed.

“Yeah this is it.”

“Nice.”

“Thanks, I painted the walls myself this summer.  I had a lot of free time.” 

He examined the cheerful yellow walls like they might tell him what to say next.  They both knew they were avoiding the real topic of conversation.  They were talking about nothing and needed to talk about everything.  She didn’t make eye contact with him and consciously kept several feet between them.  Jim looked around her living room while Pam went and got two waters from the fridge.  He picked up her sketchbook and started to thumb through it.  He couldn’t believe how good her drawings were; she definitely had a lot of talent, and she seemed to be getting better every day.  He shut it as she came back in.

Jim put his coat on her armchair and sat down on the couch.  “So…..where were we?”

“You broke up with Karen.”  Pam sat on the opposite end of the couch facing him.

“And I was wondering what you thought about that?”

 “Honestly Jim, it’s not really my place to say.  I mean it isn’t my business.”  

“It isn’t?  You aren’t even a little interested?”  Jim began to worry that he came over for nothing, except to embarrass himself in person.

“Well I’d be a pretty terrible friend if I were happy that your relationship ended.  I mean were you “happy” when I broke up with Roy?” 

Was this a trick question? He didn’t really expect her to still be dodging his questions.  After all she did let him come over and it was definitely time to stop hiding from each other.  It frustrated him to be playing the same old games with her, and he couldn’t help letting out some of that frustration as he said,

“Pam, since you didn’t call to tell me about that, and I heard about it from Phyllis, I didn’t really know to be happy or sad until well after the fact.  If you HAD called me, I might have felt some relief ….for you.  Roy was just …so wrong for you.”

His voice had a sharp edge to it.  This was much bolder than he planned on being.  He was never that bold when it came to discussing Roy.

Pam hardly noticed what Jim said about Roy, all she heard was that he seemed to be mad at her for not calling him last summer.  Maybe it was a fair point, but couldn’t he see her side? 

“You’re mad at me for not calling you?”

“Well I do think I deserved to hear it for you.”

“What?  Seriously Jim, you can’t sit here and be mad at me for that.  I didn’t just break up with someone, I called off my wedding!  I really wasn’t up to calling everyone to explain!”

“Yeah, but I’m not everyone Pam!”  

Jim had never yelled at Pam, and frankly he didn’t like the feeling.   

Pam looked down for a moment.  But something inside her snapped and she looked up at him, and said forcefully, “No, you’re right. Everyone has asked how I’ve been doing since breaking up with Roy.  In fact, everyone seems to care about me and my well being, except you.”

Jim could hear the rawness of emotion in her voice.  Maybe if they couldn’t figure out how to calmly tell each other what they were feeling, they could scream it at each other. 

“Oh, give me a break, you really think I don’t care about you?  Well, right back at you Beesly.  I transferred to Stamford because you broke my heart and you never once called to ask if I was ok!  Even ‘just friends’ do that.”

He got up off the couch and walked to the fireplace, leaning his forearms on the mantle.  Pam felt as if his words had physically hit her.  Her mouth felt dry, her eyes did not.  She tried to blink away the tears.  She wanted to hit him, or maybe shut him up by kissing him, the urge was familiar and confusing to her.  Instead she punched the pillow in her lap and threw it back on the couch.  She got up and stood with her back to Jim.  After several tense moments she turned around quickly and started speaking, slowly at first as if she was trying to find strength she didn’t think she had. 

“I wanted to call, but you left without saying goodbye.  You made it clear that the kiss that night was a one time offer that apparently expired at midnight.”

He turned to face her as her voice built in volume and intensity.

“You didn’t give me a chance to catch my breath, to think it through.  Did I have second thoughts?  Yes.  Did you give me a chance to act on them, NO!”   

It was years of frustration uncorked.  Years of being subservient to Roy.  Years of battling her emotions for Jim.  Truthfully years of unrequited love.

“You left me confused and alone.  I lost you that night, I lost Roy a few weeks later!  So excuse me if I didn’t have the strength to call YOU to find out if YOU were handling it all ok!” 

Pam was screaming at him, with tears running down both of her cheeks.  She couldn’t stop until she got it all out. 

“By the way, I don’t see what you are so upset about.  According to Karen you said it was ‘just a kiss’ anyway.  No big deal.” 

She did the quotation marks with her fingers, just to emphasize her point.

Now they were getting to the heart of the matter. Jim slowly started walking to her, but she turned away from him again.  She didn’t want him to see her cry for him.

“She told you about that?”  He hadn’t wanted Pam to know that he had said that.  He put his hand out to touch her, but brought it back to his side.  He spoke softly, deliberately, almost pleading with her, “Pam, I… I didn’t mean that.  I just said it to make her feel better.  It wasn’t just a kiss to me, you know that.”

She turned back to him and the look on her face tore at Jim’s heart.  All the hurt, anger, jealousy was right there for him to read in her eyes. 

“How would I know that, Jim?  And I’m glad you could make Karen feel better!  Cause hearing her say that you thought it was just a kiss nearly destroyed me!”

She backed away from him, needing the physical distance from him.  She tried one last time to explain to him,

“I’ve tried to let you know as best I could that I missed you.  I didn’t want to push you because I knew that I hurt you that night.  I’ve tried to approach you, I’ve even tried in my own pathetic way to flirt with you, but it’s as if you didn’t even want to see that.  Ok, so I can’t admit my love for you in a parking lot, but I am doing the best I can to tell you that …..   that I want more than that too.”

Jim teared up understanding for the first time how hurt and alone Pam had been after he left, how much he had hurt her, and how much she was still hurting.  He wanted to touch her, hold her, kiss her.  He looked at his shoes, replaying her words in his head, when he heard it, “I want more than that too”.  More than that.  A faint smirk appeared on his lips.  She had been trying to flirt with him.  She did want to be with him.  Despite the fact that she was clearly angry with him, he felt hope and excitement for the first time in a long time.  In fact he felt like the whole apartment was spinning a little.

He reached for the kleenex and handed her a tissue, which she took from him.  For a split second their fingers touched, and he felt nothing short of electricity coursing through his veins.   He put his hands in his pockets and looked up at her with a mischievous smile. 

“You know, you did get my attention today when you told Ryan to set you up on a date.” 

She twisted the kleenex in her hand, “I didn’t think you noticed that.”

“That’s because you left without turning around to see the look on my face.  I tried to play it off, but I still looked like you kicked my puppy or something.”  He replayed his saddest Phyllis face, trying to get her to smile at him.  She couldn’t help but give him the smallest smile. 

 “There was one thing I couldn’t figure out.”  He took a cautious step closer to her to take her hands in his. 

“Which was?”  She looked at his hands on hers and felt her heart pound in her head and her chest. 

“If you were ready to date again, why not date me?”

She looked up into his eyes, and her heart stopped.  Of course he was her first choice, her only choice.    

She smiled a little.  She said quietly, but playfully, “Um hello, earth to Halpert – he who has a girlfriend.”

“Yeah, remember the start of our conversation Beesly?  He who HAD a girlfriend.”

 “Oh, yeah.  You did mention that didn’t you?” 

She drew out the syllables in each word, trying to figure out what do here.  Would kissing him be an option?  She stepped closer to him. 

“Listen Pam, I know that I could have handled this whole thing better.  We both could have.  Without question I haven’t been much of a friend to you lately.  But I’m tired of not saying what I really mean and…,” he paused to decide whether he should go one step further, “I miss having you in my life.” 

He rubbed his thumbs on the back of her hands, and thought that he never felt happier – and he was just holding her hands.

“Me too.  I’ve missed you everyday, even the days when you were sitting right in front of me.”  She allowed her tone to be serious and earnest, and she daringly held his gaze.

They stood completely still lost in the enormity of the moment, truly afraid to move for fear that it would all disappear.  Jim rocked on his feet a little and broke the silence.

“So what do you say Beesly?  I’m not in business school or anything, but how about we go out to dinner tomorrow night?”

Pam noticed that she actually forgot to breathe for a moment.  Could this really be happening after all this time?  She wiped the tears off her cheeks and said,

“Dinner is good.  I could make you dinner.”

“I would truly love that, but I think you’ve made enough dinners for people.  How about I make you dinner?  I’ll cook, you bring wine.”

She smiled and the happiness reached her eyes for the first time in a long time.  She felt this incredible wave of love as she realized that after all they had been through and after all the changes, he was still Jim.  He still put her first, in a way no man had before. 

“What kind of wine goes with grilled cheese?”

“I can make other things Beesly.”

“Really?”  She said it flirtatiously and playfully.  “I think we have probably have more to talk about.  Are you up for that?”

“Well talking is my best thing these days, ask anyone.”

Pam giggled, “I’ve heard that.”

Jim smirked a little, “Well, it’s not my best thing.” 

Pam looked down to hide the blush on her cheeks.  She wanted him to kiss her, right now. “That’s true, you do seem to have other skills….”

“What!”

His jaw literally dropped and he dipped his head to the side to make eye contact with her.  He couldn’t believe she just said that, and frankly it thrilled him.  He laughed nervously and he stepped into her so that his arms were around her waist.

“Well I can think of one other thing you’re pretty great at…” 

She looked up at him hopefully, biting at her lips to try to keep from smirking. 

“Selling paper?” 

He raised his eyebrows as he pulled her tightly against him.

She rolled her eyes, “Yeah that’s exactly what I meant…”

He leaned down and paused for a moment to search her eyes.  To Pam it seemed that this moment lasted forever.  In an exquisite instant his lips were on hers.  It was soft and gentle but it did have a hint of urgency.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer to her.  She opened her lips slightly and he took that as an invitation.  He deepened the kiss and she made a small noise in the back of her throat.  Jim felt his whole body respond to that noise, to her.

They kissed like teenagers.  She ran her hands up and down his back, enjoying the feel of his muscular build beneath his shirt.  He took down her hair and ran his fingers in the long curls, how long had he wanted to do that?  They finally had to break apart for air, both nearly gasping for breath.  Pam stepped back and put her fingers up to her mouth as if to remind herself that it was all real.  Jim looked at her and could only muster,

“Wow.”

“Yeah, wow.”

Jim looked down at his feet and smiled. 

“What is that smirk about Halpert?” Pam loved that she could tease him again.

“I’m just feeling a little silly.  I mean all these months of not talking, and instead we could have been doing ….that.”  He gestured at the space between the two of them.

“Yeah,” she sighed and looked at the ground.  “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

“Indeed we do Beesly.  Indeed we do.” 

Jim flashed an incredibly warm smile as he pulled her to him again and held her in his arms.  Pam smiled into his neck breathing in his familiar scent.  She finally felt like all the pieces of her life had fallen into place.