Forewarning from Pam: The thing about schemes.

See, the thing about schemes, is that you never know who has them. You might think you're the one controlling a situation, and that everything is going according to your master plan, but you could be wrong. Oh yes, my friend you could be very, very wrong. And no one is immune. Even the best of pranksters can sometimes be the victims of other people's plots. Luckily in my case everything worked out in the end, well, almost everything, but now I'm getting ahead of myself...

Note from Jim: The following document was comandeered at great personal risk by Jim Halpert and then transcribed word for word for your benefit by Pam Beesly (but only because she can type faster), so most of the credit should still go to me.

Property of Andrew David Bernard

In keeping with the advice of my most excellent empowerment mentor, Marci, I, Andrew David Bernard, hereby begin my emotions journal. Marci has told me that writing out my feelings is better than keeping them all bottled up like the fizz in a champagne bottle that someone keeps shaking and shaking and shaking. So that's what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow is my first day back at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton since the incident. I realize of course that everyone will have missed me, possibly some more than others, and I too am excited to see my old friends. Although I'm sure they don't suspect me to be very different I look forward to proving them wrong.

You know, when I first came to Scranton I was determined to push my way to the top no matter what the cost. But no more. I have learned that people do not respond well to being pushed. People must be nurtured, like little sprouts. And from now on I intend to nurture everyone I meet. Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, prepare yourself for the new Andy Bernard. Actually, let's make that Andrew Bernard. I feel like a new person, and a new person needs a new name.

9:03 am  

Life at Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton has never been better. Everyone was so excited to see me. Pam looks happier than I've ever seen her before, except for that one time when I was singing her that song after work. I feel like my relationship with Pam may have had some bumps in it so far, but I'm now confident that I can put my superior emotional skills to the test and win her back. In fact, I've decided to put Operation win-Pam's-heart-back aka Operation Love Train into action in the very near future. Of course, Big Tuna will be helping me out on that one. Speaking of whom, I should probably just say that the Tuna has never looked so worn out. Clearly, he's been feeling my absence more than I expected he would. But now I'm back and we're ready to roll. Andy, I mean, Andrew and the Tuna are going out on tour baby!

10:16

Excellent news. Operation Love Train is right on track! Details to follow. They would follow now only Michael's giving me this weird look, and I don't think he understands how vital this journal is to my emotional well-being. So all I'll say for now is that it turns out Pam was even happier to see me than I thought.

10:44

Dwight totally just Schruted this huge assignment. I pointed that out to Michael though and he basically kicked me out of his office. Looks like Dwight has completely taken advantage of my absence to force himself on Michael. Or maybe he's been hypnotizing him. Either way he's a jerk. I'm feeling pretty screwed over right now. Marci said when I feel like this I should write it all out, but this is taking too long. I don't think it's working. Instead I think I'm going to focus on a new strategy for getting in with the boss.

11:47

Well, the Tuna and I might not be going out on tour just yet, but we are going to lunch. I cannot wait to give Big Tuna the low-down on my hot plans for tonight. Plus I will definitely be needing his help if this evening is going to go the way I've planned.

***

Jim was a little surprised when Andy asked him to go out to get some lunch with him, but since Andy was offering to pay, he thought, eh? why not? Besides, anything was better than sitting at a table in the break room with Karen. Everything between them had been strained lately, and he was starting to wonder why he was even trying to make it work. By the time Andy was ready for lunch Jim was actually starting to think he might enjoy their outing. Andy was still Andy (or rather, he was Andrew now as he kept insisting everyone call him by his full name) but that anger-management training had actually seemed to help a little. So far in the 3 and a half hours he'd been back Andy hadn't once tried to fish for Tuna or sung any of his annoying little songs. Jim had noticed him bugging Pam awhile ago and worried that Andy might have just transferred targets, but as far as he could tell Pam hadn't been hurt by the exchange, and actually she'd come out of it smiling, so whatever that had been about, it couldn't have been too big of a deal.  

***

Lunch was remarkably subdued. Andy kept asking questions about Michael and Dwight and what had been happening at the office, so Jim really wasn't prepared for what he was about to hear.

"So Pam and I seem to be moving along nicely." Andy remarked. Jim swallowed his drink a bit too quickly and had to cough a little to cover his surprise.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" he asked.

"Me. Pam. Together. Duh! Where have you been bro? I mean, come on, it's like completely obvious that she's got a thing for me." Jim couldn't decide whether stunned disbelief or giggling like a little girl was the correct response, so he just did his best to keep his expression neutral. 

"Really? I, um... I hadn't really picked up on that."

"Are you kidding me? It's totally obvious! I mean, before I left she used to spend hours staring at me at work, and she seemed totally into that song I played for her. Which reminds me, I should really thank you, Tuna, without your help our relationship never would've made it past a one-night stand."

Jim's eyes nearly came out of his head at the thought of anyone having a one-night stand with Pam.  But then he noticed Andy giving him a weird look, so he stuffed some more steak fries in his mouth and tried to continue talking normally.

"Um..." it was kind of hard to talk around the fries, "wasn't that, I mean, not to, well, I'm just surprised, I guess. You and Pam are... in a relationship?" 

"Uh, yeah!" Andy replied, still looking at him like Jim was the crazy one in this conversation.

Jim took a deep breath.

"Wow. Okay. Hey, uh, so... when exactly did all this happen? Because, I gotta tell ya, I've seen you guys together and you really don't seem like you're...together." It was the best he could manage after being side-lined by this.

"Well," Andy paused, "nothing has really happened yet, per se, but I'm taking her out tonight, so that should be pretty "exciting" if you know what I mean." Andy winked at a speechless Jim. For his part, Jim was pretty sure he was about to throw up. The thought of Pam having sex with anyone (well... almost anyone) was utterly disturbing, but sex with Andy!!! Tonight!!! 

***

Less than 30 seconds later he was in the tiny hallway next to the bathrooms, his cell phone up to his ear.

"Dunder-Mifflin this is Pam."

"Oh good you're there."

"Jim?"

"Yeah, listen I just need you to answer one quick question."

"Okay...shoot." There was a long pause. "Jim? Are you still there?"

"Uh-huh. Um..." Jim's face was screwing up with that same pained look he'd tried to keep at bay throughout his conversation with Andy "look I don't really know how to ask this, but are you by any chance going out with Andy tonight."

"Um... yeah actually I am." There was another long pause as Jim registered about 500 emotions all at once. Shock. Disbelief. Jealousy. General ickiness at the thought. Finally Pam asked, "so... is that it? Or did you need something else?"

"Oh, no...no. Bye Pam." Jim got off the phone as quickly as possible, turned to go back out to the table, thought better of it, and decided to buy himself some time in the bathroom... maybe splash a little water on his face. Pinch his arm a few times. Bang his head against the tiles. Anything to get himself to wake up from this horribly wrong nightmare.

***

"Bye Jim."

Pam hung up the phone and smiled. Maybe she was taking this a little too far, but then again sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to get the things you really want.