~~

Jim allowed his eyes to follow Pam around the office for the first time in a very, very long while. He knew it would be his last opportunity.

She was leaving.

Even though she’d given a proper two weeks notice and he’d known about it before that day, it still seemed like everything was happening so fast. She was going to Chicago to live with her cousin while she went back to school for her MFA.  She had landed a job at the Art Institute in the meantime, and seemed pretty happy about it.  The day she’d handed in her resignation letter, Michael had gone through a meltdown of sorts.  He’d cried, and made an announcement about Pam’s impending departure to the entire office...which was clearly not what Pam had wanted at the time.

As Jim watched her now, chatting with Toby by the conference room door, he wondered if she would have told anyone before today if Michael hadn’t blurted everything out.  He wondered if she would have told him.

Somehow, he doubted it.  And that thought filled him with a poignant, very heavy sadness.

What the hell had happened to them?  To them?  They used to be...

His vision was suddenly obscured by a blue blouse...Karen.  He looked up at her with a slight smile, and she returned it, her eyes surprisingly sympathetic.

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly.

Jim didn’t have to wonder what she meant...but he didn’t want to go into it with her.  As much as he was trying to make things work with Karen, he still didn’t like communicating any of his thoughts or feelings regarding Pam to her.  It seemed...wrong, somehow.  Not because it was wrong to talk about the girl you used to love to your current significant other, although this was true...it was because he felt it was disrespectful to Pam.  To everything that was between he and Pam.  It was private.  He wanted to keep it close, to himself, and not share it.  Not with anyone but her.  So, he merely nodded slightly in response to her question and replied with a noncommittal, “Yup.”

“You sure?”

He glanced back up at her, and a mild annoyance briefly nagged at him. She could afford to be diplomatic and understanding now...now that Pam was leaving.  Now that it was a pretty sure bet that he’d never see her again.

Suddenly, Jim felt himself flush and he felt a bit sick.  Standing, he squeezed Karen’s waist and assured her, “I’m fine.  I just...I should say goodbye to her.  Okay?”

Karen hesitated for only a moment...and then she nodded, her lips forming a tight smile. “Of course.”

Jim smiled back at her, stepped around her...and then realized that Toby was standing by the conference room door alone, thumbing through the papers Pam had handed him while they were talking.  Frowning as he approached Toby, Jim glanced surreptitiously around the office and asked, “Hey, uh...where did Pam go?”

Toby looked up at him and said mildly, “Oh...actually, I think she just left.”

“Left?”

“Yeah,” Toby clarified, something like pity crossing his features for a split second as he regarded Jim, “She has a long drive ahead of her.”

Jim realized in that moment that he hadn’t been ready...hadn’t been prepared for this.  His stomach bottomed out as he swung around to find her bag gone from its usual place on the coat rack.  Pulling his hands out of his pockets, he mumbled to no one in particular, “Be right back.”

He jogged out of the office, away from all the pairs of eyes that felt like they were boring into him, and yanked the stairwell door open with a crash he hadn’t meant to cause. He bounded down the stairs with all the speed he could muster without breaking his neck.  He knew the elevator would take too long, and he couldn’t...he just couldn’t miss her.

Running at full speed out of the building, he shielded his eyes from the afternoon sun as he urgently scanned the parking lot.  Just as the bile was rising in his throat as his panic hit record levels, he spotted her...all the way at the other end, pulling open her car door.

“PAM!”

She whirled around and squinted at him as he jogged over to her, his tie feeling like it was choking him.  He didn’t know why, but he half expected her to ignore him and drive away.  A crazy thought...but sadly, it still registered as a valid fear.  Finally he stood before her, panting just a little as he shoved his trembling hands deep within his pants pockets so she couldn’t see.  It wouldn’t be fair...to let her see that, now.  Now that it was too late.

“Hey,” she said softly, and for a moment he could do little more than stare down at her.  Finally, he asked in a low voice,

“Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye?”

She looked flustered for a moment, and then looked down at the keys she was holding in her hands as she answered, “I just...no.  I guess...I didn’t want a big scene.  That’s why I didn’t let Michael throw a party or anything.  It’s...not like it’s anything to commemorate.”

He gazed at the top of her curly head, and all of a sudden, he felt suffocating waves of loss start crashing into him mercilessly as he remembered who they were...what they had been to each other, all those years. He swallowed, the lump in his throat almost painful, as he wondered for the millionth time what the hell had happened to them.  He’d been so angry and resentful...so determined to protect himself from being sucked back into the devastating situation he’d lived with for so many years. He’d pushed her away...shut her out, on purpose. In the end, he just never...

“I never thought it would come to this.”

He was startled that he’d said it out loud, but when it caused her to look up at him with wide eyes, he didn’t exactly regret it.  Maybe...maybe...

“What?”

“This,” he gestured lamely to the space between them, “You leaving without saying goodbye to me.”

Her eyes widened further as his words sunk in, but then quickly hardened.  He wasn’t used to Pam’s eyes hardening.  It was like watching something unnatural happen...it wasn’t like her.

“Well, I’m sorry.  I guess you must be better at that than I am.”

The bitterness and hurt in her voice snapped him out of his daze, and he quickly amended, “No, I...I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like a...a jab or anything.  I just...”

He sighed deeply, his hand going back into his pocket because he was afraid he might touch her. “I hate that this is the end of our story.”

She squinted up at him, the sun illuminating her face.”Well...not all stories have happy endings, Jim.  I mean...it’s not really the end, is it?”

A spark of wretched hope flared in his chest, and he hated himself as he asked, “It isn’t?”

“Well, no,” she stated evenly, her voice betraying nothing, as though she was talking to a stranger, “We have our lives...they’ll continue.  People go in and out of your life all the time...it’s just the way it is.  So...there isn’t really an end.”

He searched her eyes for a moment before replying, “But it’s the end of us.”

She shook her head, looking back down at her shoes. “There isn’t an us. There really never was.  Not really.”

Her words sliced through him, wounding him in a way that he was sure would leave a scar even though he’d been sure she had done her worst a long time ago. He almost staggered backwards from the pain of it. Swallowing again past the now omnipresent lump in his throat he felt whenever he so much as looked at her, he corrected gruffly, “You were my best friend.”

Glancing up at him, she shifted from one foot to the other and moved imperceptibly closer to him.  He felt her breath leave her lungs in a huff and crash into his chest.  His mind was racing, he tried frantically to think of what he should do.  His eyes begged her...say something.  Please, just say anything.  Don’t go...at least say you don’t want to, and I’ll talk you out of it.  Say you want me to come with you, and I will. 

In that moment, all thoughts of practicalities and things he should care about...his job, his life and even Karen...they were all drowned out by the overwhelming terror he felt at the thought of losing the one person he could say with confidence that he’d ever truly, truly loved.

He knew their relationship was damaged, perhaps past the point of no return.  He knew that there was enough hurt and misunderstanding between them to ensure things would never be the same as they had been.  He knew all this...but he still, he still wanted her.  He would lay down in traffic for her.  He still would...in spite of everything. That had to mean something.  It had to.

She didn’t say it.  She didn’t say what he wanted so desperately to hear.  Her eyes, once filled with laughter and adoration for him, instead now showed only steely resolve as she told him, “I have to go.  If I don’t...I’ll never forgive myself.”

She paused for a moment, glancing back at the windows. Then she looked back at him.  They stared at each other for a moment, and to Jim it felt like time was standing still. Suddenly, Pam launched herself forward and threw her arms around his neck.  He found his face buried in her curls, his arms around her waist, her familiar scent enveloping him...and his heart broke for the second time in his young life. 

Because he knew this wasn’t an indication that she’d changed her mind, it wasn’t a promise of things to come...it was a final memory she was creating with him.  Something she could remember fondly, later in life, as she sat on her terrace with her husband and their kids and ate grilled cheese sandwiches that Jim hadn’t made for her.  She would briefly think back on her old friend Jim, and a wistful smile might come to her face briefly as she wondered what had become of him before meeting her husband’s eyes and pushing those distant memories easily from her mind.

Jim hated him. He hated the man, and he didn’t even exist yet. It was just so goddamed unfair.

“Don’t forget me, Jim,” she implored softly, sounding more like the Pam he knew than she had in months.  A fierce emotion sprung up within him and he couldn’t ignore it, couldn’t beat it into submission.  What was the point of holding back now, anyway?  She was leaving...this was it.  He couldn’t stand the thought of living without her...didn’t know how he’d ever thought he could. Those months in Stamford...he knew now that he’d been slowly dying, slowly turning into something he wasn’t.  He was never more himself than when he was with her. He wasn’t just saying goodbye to Pam...he was saying goodbye to himself.  How could he do that and still continue breathing?

“Will you call me when you get there?  Just so I know you made it okay?”

She pulled back from him and returned his gaze sadly as she replied, “I can’t.”

“Let’s just...,” she paused, clearly searching for the right words, “Let’s let it go.  It’s stupid to beat a dead horse...”

“But...”

“You have Karen,” Pam interrupted firmly, “She’s really awesome, Jim. She’s great for you...don’t you think so?”

Jim felt the tears well up in his eyes and fought not to let them fall.  He nodded as he ducked his head to look at the pavement.  He didn’t trust himself to speak.  This was it.  God, this was it.  No...

“You were...” she paused again, taking a shaky breath before continuing softly, “You gave me a reason to wake up in the morning for a long time, Jim.  I’ll never, ever forget that.  Even if we never see each other again...I’ll never forget that.”

His eyes had shot to hers as she’d spoken.  Never see each other again...the idea was too painful to comprehend.  So painful that it paralyzed him, made him unable to do anything except lamely nod and accept what she was saying even if his brain was screaming at him to fall to his knees and beg her to just put him out of his misery somehow.  Instead, he stepped back as she gave him one last watery smile and got into her little blue car.  The engine started, and he simply stood there and watched as she backed out of her parking space.  Shifting gears, she didn’t look back at him as she drove out of Dunder-Mifflin’s parking lot for the last time, leaving behind a trail of memories.

            Jim watched her until she turned the corner and disappeared.  Then he walked dazedly back to the building and through the glass doors leading to the lobby.  His mind blank and racing at the same time, he sat shakily down on the little leather bench next to the entrance and rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned his face against his folded hands.  He allowed himself a moment to think about everything, to replay all those memories he’d created with Pam over the past five years of his life, and to wonder if moving on and evolving had been worth knowing they were now all he had left of her.

            Finally unable to hold it in anymore, Jim buried his face in both hands and let the sobs overtake him, not caring for the moment who witnessed it. It was the first real emotion he’d allowed himself to experience in longer than he could remember.

            It felt good...even though it meant that he was irreparably broken. He’d have to learn to live with it.

            He’d have to learn to live with a lot of things.