this is the way that we love 

this is the hardest story that I’ve ever told 

“I’ll uh… see you later Pammy.” 

She gave him a quick little nod and cinched up the belt on her coat, “Yeah. And thanks for the… tea.” 

He shifted his weight uneasily, “Oh, it’s no problem.” 

They stood there awkwardly together for another moment until he moved toward her, his arms wrapping around her securely. She let herself fall into him for that brief moment but her hands remained fisted, resolutely, as she returned the hug. 

“Bye Pam.” 

“Bye Roy.” 

He nodded once more and then turned and made his way quickly down the sidewalk.

She watched him for just a split second longer before turning in the opposite direction.  

I guess I wish you well

a little bit of heaven,

but a little bit of hell

… he took me out to dinner – to one of the nicest restaurants in town. I kind of had this feeling but I didn’t really know for sure. I didn’t want to get my hopes up or anything. But then right before desert he just… he got down on one knee and he had a ring and I don’t really remember what he said anymore. But I said yes. Of course. Of course I said yes. 

… I don’t really know a lot about art. Okay – anything about art  – but she loved it. And she’d drag me into museums and talk about color and lighting and what the hell was that supposed to mean to me? But it was kind of cute when she’d come out of her art class and there’d be this smudge of paint on her forehead where she kept trying to push her hair out of her face. So I didn’t really mind too much. 

… there was this one time he grabbed my arm. It… he was mad and it only happened the once and he apologized. So… 

… she used to come to our football games on Friday nights. Sit up in the stands with her friends, wrapped up in a  blanket. God, it would get cold some nights. And I didn’t really play a lot. Coach was kind of an asshole. But sometimes I’d look up there and her nose would be all red and she’d smile at me… it was nice. 

…I guess it was his dimples at first.  

… we would go up to the lake on the weekend and just lay out on the dock...

… we didn’t  have a lot of money anyway and we just wanted it to be completely perfect so we waited. We both wanted to wait. We made that decision together. 

… there were a few times. A lot of times. You know, I’d think that maybe she deserved better. I guess I never really thought that she was thinking the same thing all along.  

… he never once forgot my birthday. For some reason that surprises people. But he never did. He’d buy me flowers or make me breakfast. He’s not some big romantic gesture kind of guy. And that’s okay. I never needed that.  

… her smile. 

…it’s just so easy to fall back into all that.  He knows (almost) everything about me and he’s there and he’s solid and I just needed that. 

…I’m sorry. 

… it was uh… in his bedroom. His parents were away for the weekend. It… he… well, it didn’t suck… wait… I mean… oh God…I’d rather not talk about this. 

… she’d get angry at me and she wouldn’t tell me why. She’d just get up and walk away and sit in our bedroom for hours. What are you supposed to do with that? 

… it’s hard to say. I guess it’s been going on for a while. I don’t know what I’d change. What I would go back and fix. There wasn’t any specific moment. Maybe I wouldn’t change any of it. 

…she used to lay there in bed and look at the ceiling and talk to me about everything and yeah, sometimes it would be a little annoying – cause I’d just want to sleep – but she’d laugh and it’d make the whole bed shake… or sometimes I’d just roll over and kiss her and she’d be quiet for awhile. So it was okay. It was okay. 

… he has… had…. had this way of wrapping his arms all the way around me and just holding me and he would absolutely hate me for saying this but he really is this big teddy bear and you just have to know him. You have to sit and talk to him and realize that he’s just… he’s not what you think. 

… it was at the bachelor party. She called me and I guess maybe her voice was a little weird. I didn’t really think about it at the time. But she wanted me to come home and talk or something… 

…I’m sorry 

no hope, no love, no glory

no happy ending  

This is a love story. It doesn’t have a happy ending.  

Are you still listening? 

It’s gotten a little mixed up over the years. Because, truth be told, she was never that nerdy and he was never that popular and they were never Romeo and Juliet dancing around opposite ends of the social pyramid – or whatever - waiting for that moment when he would notice her from across the cafeteria.  

It didn’t happen like that. It was just a day. A random day in the middle of July. 

They were both sixteen. It was one of the hottest summers that Pennsylvania had seen in over a decade. And as luck would have it they were both stuck in the same summer Biology class  - monotone teacher, busted air conditioner and all. 

Some would call it fate. Others would say it had a little more to do with a dictatorial teacher – bitter at the prospect of giving up her summer hours for a bunch of crabby teenagers – insisting on seating the class in alphabetical order. 

Anderson. Beesley. 

If it’s not fate then the whole thing needs to be blamed on her ancestors for changing their surname to Beesley before coming to America. 

Or on the fact that he had failed the exact same class the semester before. 

No matter.  They were sixteen. All that mattered was that the Backstreet Boys had the hit song on the radio and that the process of mitosis was equally as confusing to them both. 

Words and looks of boredom were exchanged and as luck would have it, she discovered that unlike her, he had a car. 

It was air conditioned. 

Oh, the workings of fate.

And so it was that Roy Anderson was destined to save Pamela Beesley from a painfully hot walk home in the blistering sun. 

Maybe that's all it should have been - maybe it was always going to be more than a ride home - maybe...

It's really not worth it to quible over the "what if's" though, is it?

Here's the hard cold truth:

He drove her home.

At the end of the summer they had fallen into an easy friendship.

In October he worked up the courage to ask her to the Homecoming dance.  

She said yes.

And ten years melted into place.

It wouldn’t really do to go into a lot of detail about her dress and the kind of corsage he bought, the way it made her feel when he gathered her close to dance, the fact that he kissed her for the first time outside her front door. 

Remember, this isn't that kind of story and all that would just be set up for a huge disappointment.

Just ask them. 

this is the way you left me

I’m not pretending  

“Thanks for the ride.” 

“Yeah, no problem.” 

Her hand paused over the door handle, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

He nodded, a slow smile sliding up his face. The dimples in his cheeks deepened and she prayed that he attributed the flush in her skin to the warmth of the day. 

“Yup.” 

“Good.” Pam stepped out of the car, grimacing as she was met with a blast of heat. 

“See ya later Pam. It was good meeting you.” 

“Yeah, you too.” She slammed the door shut and stood on the sidewalk until his car had disappeared into the simmering distance.

this the way that we love

like it’s forever

then live the rest of our life,

but not together.