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(From the previous chapter, for connection)
"I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. We were out at that Thai restaurant, it was some anniversary of months we’d been together. Karen, I guess, had thought that I had set the evening up because I was planning to ask her to marry me. She told me that later. She told me that’s what she really wanted. But really, I was there to break it off with her. I remember I told her that we should break up, that we were better off as friends. And then..."
He paused.
"And then she said the last thing I had ever expected, or honestly wanted to hear her say. She said "Jim, I’m four weeks pregnant."
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It took a moment for the reality to sink in. Pam sat in stunned silence as it all became clear to her.
"So, you left..." Pam trailed off, but Jim picked up her sentence.
"Because Karen was pregnant with my child. At the time I thought I was leaving for different reasons. I had it all figured out, or so I thought. I thought, she’s pregnant. So I have to stay with her. We’ll move to New York, get jobs at Corporate, buy a place, and we’ll raise our child together. Maybe even get married, if she wants. The fact that I wasn’t in love with Karen wasn’t even a part of my brilliant planning at the time. As crazy as things were at the time, in my black-and-white mind, everything would be fine. Of course..."
Jim paused, and Pam could guess the rest, but Jim said it anyway.
"Things didn’t really work out the way I planned. We did get jobs at corporate and we bought a place, but it wasn’t long before things with Karen and I started falling apart. Our relationship which was forged out of a sense of duty became incredibly strained. The whole time I kept thinking that I needed to stay together with Karen for the sake of Gracie, but the pressures and stresses that were pulling Karen and I apart were just too strong. We fought constantly. We are such different people; it was so foolish of me to think we could ever have made it. About a year ago we decided that it would be better for all parties involved if we just split. We never did get married, so the split was...mostly amicable. Thank god we were sensible enough to make arrangements so that we could both have time with Gracie. I love her so much. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t see her."
Another pause. Pam decided to break in.
"But...things seem pretty good now. I mean, I assume that. You do get to see Gracie. Do you and Karen talk much? Do you even see her? I mean, I guess you would when you pick up Gracie and stuff."
"Oh yeah." Jim replied. "Yeah, we actually still work together at Corporate. So we’re...civil. We still get together for Gracie’s birthday and for Christmas and stuff. Mainly we just want Gracie to not get screwed up in the whole thing. I think that it’s pretty important that both Karen and I remain in her life, you know, to support her and stuff as she grows up."
" Jim, I’m sorry." Pam said.
"Sorry? What for?" Jim asked.
"Well, I guess...I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for you and Karen. I’m sorry that you don’t get to see your daughter as much as you’d like."
"You don’t have to be sorry, Pam", Jim said. "Everyone in life makes decisions, and decisions always have have consequences, good and bad. Being in a relationship with Karen may have been a mistake, but it’s hard for me to say that in a sense because my beautiful amazing daughter came from that relationship. If I hadn’t been in that relationship, I wouldn’t have my daughter. And I wouldn’t give her up for anything."
"But you know, Pam, I do have some regrets. I always hear people saying that they have no regrets in their lives, that they don’t wish they had done anything differently. I don’t get those people. I have regrets. There are certainly things that I have done in my life that I wish I hadn’t. There were decisions I made that I wish I didn’t. I wish I could have some things back."
Jim paused but his eyes never left Pam’s. There was hurt, and there was pain in his eyes that he could not hide. Pam had seen this hurt from the first moment she saw him in the MacDonalds, but it was clearest now, and unmistakeable. Pam recognized that hurt because it wasn’t very long ago that she herself had been racked by that pain, when Jim had left her. She knew what it felt think you had lost the most important thing in your life, and you weren’t sure you were ever going to get it back again. Yes, Pam knew what it meant to have regrets. She certainly had her share. But even knowing that gave Pam a strange comfort, because she knew that both she and Jim had had regrets about something they now were in control of changing. In that moment she wanted nothing more that to give Jim a hug, and tell him that everything was going to be alright. That everything was okay. She wanted to tell Jim that he had not lost her at all. That she was right there, and wanted always to be right there, beside him, with him forever.
"I know what you mean, Jim." Pam spoke, in almost a whisper. "Yeah I have a few regrets, but I too have learned from some of my mistakes. I realize now that it was a mistake to ever let you walk out of my life. Yet I let it happen twice. And....and I...I don’t want that to happen ever again. I don’t want you to leave anymore, Jim. Or at least, I don’t want you to leave without me."
Pam caught Jim’s eye, and she noticed almost immediately a change in them. It was like the clouds in them were clearing right in front of her, and there came upon them a clarity and freshness that she had not remembered seeing in them for some time.
It was Jim’s turn to speak.
"Okay."
"Okay what?" was Pam’s reply.
"Okay, I won’t leave without you anymore. I don’t want to leave you anymore either. I’m so tired of living my life without you. I want to be with you, because I love you, and I’ve always loved you, and I can’t stop loving you."
He paused, because Pam was smiling the most beautiful smile he had ever seen her smile. He then continued.
"You know, it’s funny. What I just said, I feel as though I have already said to you before."
"What? When?" Pam searched her memory, but couldn’t recall a time when Jim had spoken those exact words to her. She remembered very clearly when he told her he was in love with her, on the night of the Casino at work, but this was different. It even felt different to hear it. It felt...eternal.
"A couple of nights ago at the MacDonalds." Jim said. "You couldn’t hear it, but I was screaming those words inside my head the moment I saw you standing there. And I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I ever left you again without telling you that."
There were so many thoughts racing in Pam’s mind. So many questions. What now? Where do we go from here? What about Jim’s daughter? Am I ready to help Jim raise her? But in her heart she knew all that stuff would find a solution eventually. All she really knew and truly cared about was that, sitting across from her in Poor Richards bar was the most beautiful perfect man in the whole world, who she loved immesurably, and with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. She would go anywhere for him and with him. She would devote her life to him, and herself to him not because she had to, but because with all her heart and soul she wanted to.
"Well I’m glad you told me that." Pam replied, finally, smiling still, and meeting Jim’s equally ecstatic smile. "Because I heard you say it, and I’ve been hearing you say it for a long long time, back when we worked together. I heard it every day until the day you left, and when you left, the silence just about killed me. The sad part is I almost...almost was getting used to not hearing it anymore up until a couple of days ago. When I saw you in the MacDonalds....well, I heard it again, and I can’t tell you happy it made me feel to know that."
A moment of silence passed between the two. But it was an entirely peaceful, contented silence that both Jim and Pam could rest comfortably in for hours and hours, if they wanted to. After a few moments Jim mentioned going for a walk, to which Pam agreed. Jim got up and paid the bill while Pam went to the washroom.
Walking out the doors the warm sunshine greeted them with an envigorating wave of energy, strength and renewal. It was the middle of the day, but for Jim and Pam it felt like it was a brand new morning for both of them. It was a true new beginning.
"What a beautiful day", said Pam as she took Jim’s hand in hers.
They decided they would take Jim’s car. As they walked, Jim was struck with something he remembered the Minister saying at Creed’s memorial service.
"Many of you will note that Creed was a firm believer in reincarnation. For those who are unfamiliar with the concept, it is a belief that some essential part of a living being survives death to be reborn in a new body. According to such beliefs, a new personality is developed during each life in the physical world, but some part of the being remains constantly present throughout these successive lives as well. So Creed would not want us to be mournful of his passing, because he would not want us to see his life as over, but merely entering a new stage. He would want us to celebrate his life and accomplishments here on earth. In closing, I am reminded of another song I heard on the radio once when I was travelling up in Canada visiting relatives. I don’t know who sang it, but it was a really nice song, the chorus of which went "No, lives don’t end. We’re going out, to be brought back again." I think that’s a very fitting way to think of our friend Creed today, and as we leave this place together. He may have gone out, temporarily, but he can always be brought back again, at least in our hearts and minds."
Jim couldn’t escape the thoughts of how reincarnation applied to his relationship with Pam over the past years. At one time he may have been convinced that there was nothing left. All that remained of their love for each other was a faint pulse, a few smoldering ashes. But what Jim began to realize was that perhaps their relationship had not died, but rather had "gone out" temporarily, like the song said, only to be once more brought back. Only this time, Jim felt it was coming back stronger and more vibrant than ever. Yes, their new relationship, which the lifeblood was flowing into now, would carry with it some of the memories, the characteristics of its previous lives, but that would only serve to enrich this new experience.
Consumed with these thoughts, a smile came over Jims face, as Jim opened the car door for Pam. Pam caught it and paused. Around the two of them them a gentle breeze blew, and signs of life buzzed, chirped, and whistled in the warm afternoon air. At that moment Jim was overcome with a feeling of exuberance, of intense joy like he’d never felt before. What came to his lips was the only thing he could think to say to explain how we was feeling.
"It’s a good day."
"Yes it is." Pam replied.
