Before she pulls into the parking lot she allows herself one last reflection on his eyes before she vows to put aside the thought forever. She’s not going to let some girlhood crush, that was seriously over years ago, jeopardize her working relationship with him. She’s an adult now, and today is the first day of her life.
She blows her bangs out of her face and for the 100th time this morning laments her ‘genius’ idea of getting a ‘professional’ haircut before her first day of work. Now, even though she’s perfectly coiffed, stray stands of hair are always brushing across her face and it’s driving her crazy. Perhaps it’s the fact that before today her defacto hairstyle was a ponytail and a headband. When she steps outside she adds ‘the cold’ as her 383rd thing on her ‘things to get used to about Scranton again’ list. She shudders and snuggles deeper into her down coat, wrapping the too big scarf her mother insisted on buying her around her shoulders. She’s tired and her back aches from moving furniture all weekend but she’s excited too. It’s her first real job with a paycheck and a 401k and she suddenly feels like she’s an adult for the very first time although she turned 18 almost 7 years ago.
The building is drab, but isn’t that where all the serious work of America takes place, in gray drab buildings filled with office workers with hollowed out eyes? She shakes her head and tries to push out all of Stephan’s hippie bullshit out of her ears. He’s still smoking weed in the house they shared in Atlanta and she’s here now, she’s starting her new life.
And she allows herself briefly to be relieved by the fact that He’s going to be a part of that new life too. She misses him, and not just in that girlhood crush kind of way but for all the other things he was to her when she was young too. As the distraction from her Mother’s impromptu tears at the dinner table to a father replacement at her brother’s boy scout sleepover. She misses the young man who taught her all about the stars in the night sky and how they’re constantly moving and about how boys think and how she shouldn’t trust what they say at face value. She let’s herself remember the first time she saw him, his reddish-brown hair shaggy, his hazel eyes open the pain there for all to see. She was just 15 and he was already 25, he seemed a whole lifetime older. He was her Mother’s assistant at work and when she heard that he had lost his father last year she brought him home to meet her recently fatherless children. She was surprised by how much someone who is 25 can have in common with a 15 year old and her dorky 13 year old brother but apparently a love of video games knows no age limit and having your dad die aches just the same way. He takes her seriously and that’s something no boy has ever done before, she’s too smart and too chubby and her face is too open and too pimply to be attractive. But somehow, he listens to her and he listens to Jacob and it means everything.
When they move away to New York she misses him even before the last sofa is stuffed into the U-Haul. He promises to come visit and she knows he will but it won’t be the same, not at all. She cries into his shirt and he strokes her hair and tells her that she’s a wonderful person and that she’s going to be happy again. He promises.
When he does come to visit, it isn’t the same but it’s still wonderful and she’s started school at Columbia and boys no longer ignore her because somehow all that excess weight has redistributed itself to the right areas of her body. But he’s still the only one she dreams about. She’s crushed the weekend he brings up his girlfriend and even more so because Elliot is so trite and undeserving of him. But he seems happy and she wants that more than anything.
The last time she sees him (before today of course) is at her graduation, he promises to come and he does, he does. He brings his little daughter with him and Elliot of course and when she miraculously sees him from the stage he’s waving both his arms and screaming her name and she thinks her heart will burst with love for him.
But she’s so over him now, and he was technically never under her ,so she knows that this isn’t going to be weird. Her mother tells her that he’s changed a lot since the divorce and she’s sure he has, but he still has to be the same underneath it all right?
Before she knows it, she’s at reception and she’s struggling with her oversized coat. She looks down and she’s suddenly so relieved to see a friendly face, the girl’s eyes are luminous and green and there is sadness hidden underneath but for now she’s smiling at her. She’s so relieved. She’s heard all the stories that circulate about this branch, and becoming an Assistant HR rep in at tiny town in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania doesn’t sound particularly hard but she’s heard the stories nonetheless and she’s quite frankly petrified. But this receptionist seems sweet and she gets up all the way out of her chair to shake her hand and that’s got to mean something.
“I’m Pam, Pam Beesly. As you can probably guess I’m the receptionist,” she does an adorable little courtesy and she suddenly knows that this girl is probably going to be her best friend in the office, well maybe second best friend. She’s still hoping He’ll be the first.
When Pam offers to show her to where he sits, she breathes a sigh of relief. She’s finally here and everything seems pretty normal for now. She manages to laugh at a few of the things Pam says and she can tell that the receptionist approves of her, that’s suddenly important to her. She needs some friends in this town; Hell, she needs some friends in this state.
She walks into the break room and the smile that’s been permanently affixed on Pam’s face slithers off. There’s nothing unusual about the young man and woman sitting at the table other than the fact that they were obviously just fighting.
Pam introduces the young man as Jim and she can tell that she’s going to like him too. Maybe it’s because she has a soft spot for floppy hair or maybe because she can tell that Pam really likes him a lot too. The girl sitting next to Jim isn’t as warm in her welcome and she eyes her almost wearily. This must be Jim’s girlfriend, and she must be very possessive. Suddenly she’s struck by the fact that the other three people in this room have History with a capital H and even though her mother would beg her to leave this alone the wheels in her head start turning. There is a reason she got into Human Resources.
Pam opens the other door and ushers her through, whispering to her that unless she’s busy for lunch she should come find her. She sits at the desk out front. She’s totally deadpan and this makes her laugh. She needs one because she’s about to see him and she’s suddenly petrified.
When he hears her footsteps he gets up and out of his chair and the smile that lights up his face lets her ignore the deep distress in his eyes and before she knows it she’s wrapped up in his arms and he’s hugging her and she’s hugging back. When she pulls away she wants to cry because it’s Him and he looks so sad. She wants to take a hit out on Elliot’s life but she decides that may not be the smartest way to start a new career so she settles for squeezing his hands and telling him how happy she is to be working with him.
“Oh Emma,” Toby says his words barely a whisper, “I’m so happy too.”
