Season 1: The Pilot

Meredith TH:

Is this thing working? Okay. Hi. My name’s Meredith Palmer and I’m 3 months sober. Um…I transferred here 3 months ago from the Stamford Branch. Just went through a messy divorce. Yeah, my husband caught me sleeping with my old boss. Dunder Mifflin was pretty cool though, they were like either you or Josh goes. I got my SUV in the divorce …and my son. Not a real win on that one. [wink] My new boss is kind of cute.

Season 1: The Alliance

Meredith:

Why did Angela and I go out at lunch? No reason. Just talking, you know. An alliance? Who told you that? Okay, look…this talk of downsizing has got me thinking. I’ve got the inside scoop on Josh’s weaknesses. So why not get someone hired there that would distract him, you know? Maybe get a mole in there who can lower sales, bleed their branch dry, the usual general mayhem. Angela’s got a network of Christian friends. [cross fingers] Maybe there’s a diehard Christian who’ll do it for Jesus.

Season 1: Hot Girl

Meredith:

Kevin told me Jim has a thing for Moms. My son doesn’t do sports but I think I can get him in a soccer uniform, if necessary. And Nascar? Can we say ‘Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’?  I was just talking to Pam and I pushed that a little. Mentioned my being a soccer Mom… said how I sort of consider everyone in the Office kinda like my kids. Pushed how she and Jim acted like brother and sister. Really pushed that. [pause] Yeah, she’s my main competition.

Season 2: The Dundies

Meredith:

Well, this is an honor. This is my 5th, no, 6th Dundie that I’ve won. Last year, like two days after I started here, Michael held this award thing. Well, I was the only one who showed up for the first hour because….free beer. So he just gave me lots of other people’s Dundies. I have, let’s see, ‘Neatest Desk’, ‘Baldest Head’, um, ‘The Mellow Man Award’, I forget the others, and now ‘Reddest Hair’. [smiles] My son uses them for killing ants.

Season 2: The Fire

Meredith:

The thing with “Who would you do?” is that it’s not called “Who have you done?” So… not a wide pool to choose from there. There’s, let see, Jim…. Michael…. Does the temp count? I don’t count a BJ, do you? [licks lips] Mmmm, Pam picked Toby and Oscar…. Yeah. Couldn't pick them obviously. Now “Who would you threesome?” That's a sandwich I wouldn't mind filling.

Season 2: The Client

Meredith:

I don’t know why they’re making such a big deal about this Lackawanna County guy. Angela, Toby, and I, we’ve got our mole placed in Stamford. She’s already botched several sales for them… plus she’s over-purchased with the company funds. I guarantee Josh won’t fire her, come hell or high water. She’s Italian, she’s a whiz at video games, and she’s great in the sack. Or so Toby says. [looks knowingly at the camera] I predict Stamford will be closed by the end of the year.

Season 2: Email Surveillence

Meredith:

Michael can read our emails now?  F***! I’ll be right back!

Meredith:

Hey you didn’t tell Michael I was the one who sent those naked pictures of him to Jan, did you? [camera moves back and forth as if saying ‘no’] Great. Listen, first rule of not getting fired – f*** the boss. First, last, and middle rule - f*** the boss and get photos. Everyone’s ass is depending on Michael’s dick.

Season 2: Booze Cruise

Meredith:

So what if Jack has had three wives? I’ve had two husbands and that damn purse girl won’t let Jim dance with anyone else. I swear I’d knock her overboard if she’d just come out on deck for one sec. Look at her in there, pawing all over him. [chugs from bottle] God, and she’s flirting with Pam’s Roy. Damn. She’s going to be doing a three-way before the night’s over. Mark my words. [throws bottle over side]

Season 2: The Carpet

Meredith:

Seriously? What was I thinking? I mean we’re doing it and he says “you know what babe, I really got to go.” Well, I was all in the moment so I just said “do it right here, who cares?” I really didn’t think that one through. [covers nose] Really didn’t. Holy damn. For future reference, Todd eats way too much chili.

Season 2: Boys and Girls

Meredith:

God, I love pulling Michael’s chain. Right before the meeting started, I told him Jan was going to discuss which of us might replace him when she fires him. [laughs] Every time he walks in I do this [draws finger across neck]. I think at lunch I’ll tell him he’s getting the axe unless he does a striptease for her. [laughs again]

Season 2: Dwight’s Speech

Meredith:

Oh, the infamous trip to Amsterdam. Now I heard this from Sheila who works over in Vance Refrigeration. Her brother was Toby’s neighbor when it all happened. So [looks around to make sure no one is listening] [whispers] Toby’s wife walked in and found him having sex with another woman. But not just ANY woman! [looks around again] Angela!!! No, I don’t believe it, but it would sure explain a few things… I guess they went to Amsterdam together and that’s where Angela found Jesus. That’s what Sheila says.

Season 2: Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Meredith:

Don’t tell anyone…but this isn’t my kid. I’m picking up a few bucks babysitting him. My son’s at school. No one’s even noticed that this kid is like 12 or something. My son’s 7. He has red hair. And buck teeth. I brought him to work six months ago when he had a half day off. You’d think someone would notice but.... [shrugs shoulders]

Season 2: Conflict Resolution

Meredith:

I probably shouldn’t have told Oscar that I thought Da Vinci painted the jazz babies poster. God, it was just a joke. He’s really got to lighten up about that stuff. He takes art way to seriously. When we were dating he was constantly critiquing everything and I was like, what are you, an art critic? [pause] I probably shouldn’t have told Angela that a jazz babies poster sold for $30,000 on EBay either.

Season 3: Gay Witch Hunt

Meredith:

He’s not gay. [laughs hollowly] He just wants to go to Europe and tour art museums for a couple of months. Who has the money to do that? Hell, if I could, I’d say I was a lesbian and go to Mexico to party for a year. If all it takes is a forced kiss with Angela, I’m game. [sighs] No more ‘hide the weinie’ during office parties now. Dammit.

Season 3: The Coup

Meredith:

I swear Michael is screwing up the whole thing. Stamford is bleeding cash, we’ve got the number one salesman in the company, but still rumors are flying that we’ll be the one closed. If he won’t get it on with Jan, then… [throws hands up in air] God! My son has finally made some friends. I have finally unpacked all the boxes from the move. I’m not leaving because Michael doesn’t know how to use his schlong! [looks pointedly at Dwight through the window] That’s it. I’m talking to Angela and Toby. It’s time to take Michael down!

Season 3: Initiation

Meredith:

Ever since Jim moved over to the Stamford branch, his sales numbers have been up. He’s biting at our Dwight’s heels. I made a phone call this morning. Told our mole that I’d do a little number on Josh [winks] if she’d focus on the ‘Scranton hick’. She’s setting her sights on Jim as we speak. I have faith in her. She’s already turned their number one salesman, Andrew Bar-nerd, into a quaking mess. [smiles faintly] Jimmy boy, prepare to be assaulted.

Season 3: Branch Closing

Meredith:

[mimes dialing a phone] [in nasally voice] Hello? This is Terese Orendein from Staples, Inc. We’ve received your resume from a headhunter and we were wondering if you would be interested in a very lucrative offer. [bows] [in Elvis voice] Thank ya very much!

Season 3: The Convict

Meredith:

Well, as soon as Angela told me he’d been in prison … I told them I was going to the bathroom. I swear no one notices if I’m in the office or not. So I took my car to the shop, got a taxi back here, and no one's the wiser. Martin was more than willing to give me a ride to pick up my car. He was less than willing to let me ‘go for a ride’… if you get my drift. Maybe Dwight’s being in the back seat freaked him out. I don’t know. I told him, I said “Martin, I like a good old fashioned three-way prong”. Now he won't even look at me. At least I get to watch him all day long. [sighs] I could just eat him.

Season 3: Back From Vacation

Meredith:

Why did Hannah leave? Why are you asking me? [cameraman says something] Dammit, Phyllis. Never tell Phyllis anything. [looks angrily at camera] Yes, okay, I accused her. You got me. But that baby does look suspiciously like Josh! And its favorite color is pink? Josh’s favorite color! [listens to question] Was a meeting in the conference room the place to bring it up? Hey, it’s not my fault she lost it in front of everyone and admitted she’d had an affair with Andy! That was completely her decision. [crosses arms defensively]

Season 3: Phyllis’ Wedding

Meredith:

F***ing Michael. Just because I told him as a little joke that I was going to flash my tits and then hump Bob Vance on the wedding cake, he has to go and [acts like she’s throttling someone] ruin the party for everyone! Jesus. And….learned a lesson tonight, folks - Never ever bet an old geezer in a wheelchair that you’ll give him a blow job if he walks down the aisle. Because sometimes you lose.

Season 4: The Negotiation

Meredith:

[shakes head] I told Michael he couldn’t get away with wearing one of my suits. I told him to just wear his suit from yesterday. But does he listen?