i.

“Attention everyone, I have some very exciting news involving yours truly!”

All eyes in the office turned to look at Michael (except for Stanley who kept working on his crossword puzzle).

“As you know, the release of the documentary has made me a major television star. Today, I was asked to appear on a special reality TV edition of celebrity Jeopardy. I know you probably aren’t surprised because I was such an obvious choice due to my cranial prow---prow---proudness.

“I know, though, that a leader is only as great as the people he climbs over, so I’m pleased to announce that all of you will be allowed to help me prepare. I’ve made a list of areas I should probably brush up on and you will all make flash cards in your areas of expertise to quiz me. “

“I’m not doing that.”

“Yes you are, Stanley. In fact, I’m looking to you as my go-to-guy on ghetto life and Oprah. Just 40 or 50 flashcards will do.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“You will, Stanley. This is important. How well I score will reflect on our little family here (That’s what she said!) I have assignments for some of the rest of you.  Kelly—I need you to teach me about Gandhi.  And Pam, you can help me out with telephones and communication systems. Ryan, I need you to help quiz me about style and hotness and Phyllis, I think you can handle events of the 30s and 40s.”

“Michael….we’re the same age!”

“No arguing. The rest of you will support me by making banners and throwing a party for me before I leave.”

“Can’t I help you study?”

“Dwight, I’ve determined that no information you, Angela, Jim, Meredith, Kevin, Creed and especially Toby possess will be of any help to me. Get going on making the banners.

….

Two months later, the staff watching on the television in the Dunder-Mifflin Conference room was delighted to notice the following categories appear in Michael’s first round:

Cats and Kittens
Tabloid Stories of the Past Year
Business Facts
Crossword Clues “S”
Potent Potables
Science Fiction TV

Double Jeopardy wasn’t much better:

Art and Artists
Knitting
Snack Foods
Rock Groups of the 60s
Short Stories
Practical Jokes

Needless to say, Michael’s score was negative at the end of the game and didn’t even get to play in Final Jeopardy where the category was “Drew Carey: Improv Master”.

ii.

The competition looked weak and feeble-minded…especially that woman in the teal sweater. He could beat her. The men looked soft and unaware of their surroundings. He had made a point of sitting in the very back of the courtesy van on the way from the Radisson to the studio, though he needn’t have bothered. None of these “contestants” seemed capable of mounting an attack.

He wanted to get right to the game-play so that he could show off his limitless knowledge, but they were forcing him to record a silly little promo-piece to send to the affiliate back in Scranton. He didn’t see the point.

“This is Dwight Schrute.”

“Ummmm, Dwight, can you jazz that up a little…add some local flavor? We need something catchy.”

Maggie, the contestant coordinator was getting a little testy.

“This is Dwight Schrute. I am from Scranton.”

“Okay, that’s a little better. How about this. “I’m Dwight Schrute and I’m going to electrify the Electric City. Watch me on Jeopardy.”

“That’s ridiculous. I do not conduct electricity and Schrutes tend not to generate as much static electricity as other humans.”

“Fine. Just do your thing and we’ll fix it in post-production.”

“This is Dwight Schrute.”

…………

He was pleased with his position at podium #3. There were no contestants to his left and the way the stage faced, he could see the other players in his periphery. Nobody would be able to sneak up on him today. He had practiced with a make-shift buzzer contraption in his barn for a week before today. Each time he rang in correctly, Mose received a quick shock. Hey, maybe he was a little electric.

His buzzer proficiency is what was causing him to be on a roll now.

“I’ll take Beary Tales for 400”

“This type of bear has been featured in Coke commercials….Dwight”

“Question: What is a polar bear?”

“Correct”

“Beary Tales for 600”

“This type of bear gave its name to a 70s television show starring Dan Haggarty…Dwight”

“Question: What is a grizzly bear?”

At the break, Maggie came over to speak with him.

“Sweetie, you don’t have to say, “Question” before each question. We know you are asking a question…it’s the point of the game.”

“Does Trebek know you speak to contestants this way?”

“Nevermind”

Maggie must have begun conspiring against him in the second round, then.  Alex hadn’t liked his story about the beet farm and the categories didn’t go his way. They all seemed geared for the soft, weak type of contestant like Maury at Podium #2 who answered questions about yachting, children’s television and cooking to take an uncatchable lead.

Dwight was okay with that. He had proven his knowledge of bears. It would be humiliating to do well in the cooking category and show the world that he knew something as inconsequential as what the main ingredient in borscht was.

iii.

Ryan knew he was in trouble when he agreed to go home with Kelly on a Tuesday afternoon and just “crash” on her couch.

“Oh my god, Ryan, I totally love this show.”

“You like Jeopardy? There aren’t a lot of pictures.”

“Don’t be silly. I love this show and I am like wicked good at it.”

“Sure, Kelly.”

“Don’t patronize me, I am and I’ll bet you that I’m better at it than you are.”

“A bet?”

“Yeah, we’ll see who can answer the most questions and the loser has to do something really nice for the winner, like buying her a really cute pair of shorts or finally introducing her to his parents.”

He probably shouldn’t have taken her up on it, but she looked so adorable. It would be fun crushing her a little and maybe the “something nice” she did for him would be that thing she only did when she was drunk. The game was on.

By the time the third question came around he knew he was doomed. She was kicking his ass. It infuriated him that every time she came up with the correct question she giggled:

“What is helium?”
“Who is Lee Iacocca?
“What is the three-toed sloth?”
“Who is Nabokov?”
“What is quantum mechanics?”

She was actually kind of amazing and he found himself rooting for her in his head. She really was wicked good at this.

“Who was Sojourner Truth?”
“What is True Grit?”
“What is The Waldorf Astoria?”
“What is Lichtenstein?”

By the time the game was over, it was obvious she was the winner.

“So, Ryan….what nice thing are you going to do for me?”

As he leaned in to kiss her, he knew there was a pair of shorts and some of his mom’s famous cherry pie in her future.

iv.

Roy lifted a box into the back of the truck and looked around. Something was bothering him.

“Hey Lonny, have you seen Darryl?”

“Nope”

“He’s been gone a lot. He leaves early every Monday and is gone Tuesday and Wednesday. What’s the deal?”

“Didn’t he say something about that management training course in New York?”

“Yeah, but remember when Sully did that class, it was on the weekends and he was always studying. Darryl never has any books or anything.”

“Well, if it bothers you so much, ask him on Thursday when he’s back.”

……..

Darryl never came back. He had been flying between Scranton and Los Angeles for the last seven weeks. Only Jan knew where he had been. He had tried out for the show on a fluke when they announced they were giving the contestant search test online. He had been really surprised when he got a call asking him to appear.

He hadn’t been prepared, though, for doing really well.

After he defeated five contestants on his 1st taping day, he was pretty sure that his good luck streak was going to end. But he kept winning….knocking off contestant after contestant. He had beaten lawyers and Yale Professors and guys who had jobs he didn’t even understand.

After he defeated 15 contestants, he started hearing the whispers about the “next Ken Jennings” and he had to sign additional confidentiality forms.

After he defeated 35 contestants, he started getting a little bored. He’d try different ways of holding the signaling device and making up a few words when he got a daily double “Zoppity…Let’s make it a true daily double”.

After he defeated 45 contestants, he started running out of stories to share with Alex during the contestant interview. He had even run out of stories about Michael.

After he defeated 50 contestants, he called Jan and told her he quit. He had earned $1.7 million dollars and figured he had a safety net.

After the 63rd contestant beat him, he called Roy and offered to buy him a beer.

v.

Jim never would have tried out if it weren’t for Pam.

They were getting used to being friends again, after his return from Stamford and everything that had come between them. It was a little awkward, but it was getting better.

They were at the Steamtown Mall on a wild goose chase for Michael (who needs ear muffs in May?) when they noticed the Brain Bus and a huge banner that read, “Try out for Jeopardy Today.” 

“Oh man. Let’s do this. It will be awesome!”

“You’re kidding, Pam. Right?”

“Nope. How many times in your life do you get a chance to try out for a game show?  Plus, you’re pretty smart, Halpert. You knew all that archetype stuff about Star Wars and that old Indian religious poem. You blew Dwight’s mind. C’mon…take a chance.”

She looked positively radiant jumping up and down on the balls of her feet. Her cheeks were flushed pink and he didn’t think he had ever seen her so beautiful. How could he refuse her?

“Okay, but you are taking me out to the food court after.”

“Deal.”

So they had taken the 50 question test and Jim was surprised at the number of questions he knew.  There were questions about sports (Who is Tom Brady?), medicine (What is the liver?) and even paper production (What is pulp?). He always had been pretty smart and he knew he was probably wasting his talents at Dunder-Mifflin, but something (or someone) kept him tied pretty firmly to the place.

When the members of the clue crew came out to announce the names of the people who had passed the test, Jim was thrilled to hear both his name and Pam’s called. Only 9 of the 300 or so people who were there passed. They played a mock game, filled out some forms and were told that they might be called to appear on the upcoming season.

Jim had gotten the call 2 weeks ago.

So now, here he was, standing at Podium #3 trying to figure out how much to bet in Final Jeopardy. He had played a respectable game and had $5400 to his name. Fred, the eight day champ, had $11,300, though.  The category was Academy Award Nominations and it was not one of his strengths. From conversations in the green room, Jim also knew that Fred worked as a film historian at UCLA and had claimed that he had memorized ever Oscar ceremony ever. There was no way Jim could win this.

He looked up into the audience and saw her sitting there. He had asked her to come with him to Los Angeles because, well, this had all been her idea. She was wearing a grey t-shirt and had her hair pulled into a pony-tail and covered with a baseball cap he had bought her at Universal Studios the day before. She was smiling at him, her eyes bright and twinkling with excitement. In that minute, he knew what he had to do.

The contestant coordinators had specifically told them to not do this, but he didn’t care. He picked up his light pen and wrote on his screen.

…

“Okay, let’s go now to Jim Halpert who has played a great game today. Jim, what did you write down?

The blue screen revealed the following:

PAM, I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW….TWICE

“That’s an interesting answer….obviously not the correct one. Let’s see how much you wagered.”

I BET IT ALL

When he looked up at the audience,  Jim knew he had won.