The following is a transcript of The Newlywed Show taped in December, 2009:

(Announcer) Cheesy music plays in the background) From Hollywood, the newlywed capital of the world, here come the newlyweds! Yes, it’s Intra-office romance day on the Newlywed Show. And now let’s meet our couples. Couple number one, married ten months ago, Dwight and Angela Schrute!

(Announcer) Couple number two, married 18 months ago, Michael Scott and Jan Levinson Scott!

(Announcer) Couple number three, married one year ago today, happy anniversary to Ryan and Kelly Howard!

(Announcer) And last but not least, couple number four, married seven months, Jim and Pam Halpert!

(Announcer) And here’s our host, the star of The Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks!

(Bob) Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the newlywed game. Today’s show has a unique twist; all four of these couples met while working at the same company. Maybe there’s something in the office water cooler, or maybe they just don’t get out much. Whatever the reason, they’re here with us today, and right after these messages, we’ll get started with some five-point questions for the husbands.

(Phyllis) Or, check us out online at Vance Refrigeration dot com. (Bob Vance smiles proudly at her as she says the line)

(Back from commercial)

(Bob) With the wives safely backstage, it’s now time to ask the husbands some five-point questions. Gentlemen, answer these questions as you predict your wife will answer them when she returns. If her answer matches yours, you’ll receive five points. The couple with the most points at the end of the game will receive a grand prize selected especially for them. Okay, here we go. From the beginning of your first date to the time you first made whoopee, will your wife say it was a matter of hours, days, weeks, months, or years? We’ll start with you, Dwight.

(Dwight) Question. What is whoopee?

(Bob) (Flabbergasted) Well, babies might result from it.

(Dwight) (Looking flustered). I see then. I hardly see that is any of your business. I decline to answer the question.

(Bob) (With an expression of disbelief). Do you understand how our game works, Dwight?

(Dwight)  Yes, I believe I do. You told me to answer the question how I believe my wife will answer it. That is what I did.

(Bob) (Shakes his head). Okay, then. Michael, how about you? Hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

(Michael) (Looks very nervous). Well, I uh…Months, I guess. I held out on her.

(Bob) You held out on her?

(Michael) Yeah, won’t buy the milk if you get the cow for free.

(Bob) (Looking puzzled) Okay, then, months it is. How about you, Ryan?

(Ryan) (Looking bored) Weeks.

(Bob) Fast worker, are you Ryan?

(Ryan) I guess so, Bob.

(Bob) Ryan says weeks. And on to our final husband, Jim. Hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

(Jim) (Looks thoughtful). Huh. That’s actually a tough one for us. (Continues to look indecisive)

(Bob) We need an answer. What are you debating between?

(Jim) It’s either hours, or years, actually.

(Some laughter)

(Bob) (Incredulously) Hours or years?

(Jim) You know what? It was years. I’ll say years.

(Bob) Well okay then. Jim, I’m not sure you have a grasp on units of time, but we‘ll take your word for it. Next question. What will your wife say is the best dish that you cook? This time we’ll start with you, Ryan. The best dish that you cook.

(Ryan) Wow, so many great ones to choose from.

(Bob) Really?

(Ryan) (Deadpan) No. I did lasagna once that wasn’t too bad. I guess she’ll say that.

(Bob) Ryan says lasagna, what do you say, Michael?

(Michael) Jan loves my cooking; I do a lot of great stuff on my Foreman Grill.

(Jim) Like your famous roast foot?

(Michael) (Annoyed) No, Jim. Glad you can still make jokes about my tragedies. Like my Chicken a la Scott.

(Bob) Chicken a la Scott?

(Michael) You take the chicken breast and some olive oil and some sun dried tomatoes and…

(Bob) Okay, then, how about you, Jim?

(Jim) Wow. I’m a pretty bad cook, but Pam is pretty easy to please. You know, though, I think she’ll say my grilled cheese.

(Bob) Quite the gourmet, aren’t you Jim?

(Jim) Well, Bob, you’ve never had my grilled cheese.

(Some laughter)

(Bob) (Smiling) I’m sure it’s fabulous. Your turn, Dwight.

(Dwight) Well, of course the Schrutes have a legacy of many outstanding recipes, so choosing one is difficult. But I will go with beet fritters.

(some laughter)

(Bob) Beet fritters. Sounds delicious. Okay, now time for the last of our five point questions. Gentlemen, what will your wife say is your most annoying habit? This time we’ll start with you, Michael. Your most annoying habit.

(Michael) (Looks perplexed) That’s hardly a fair question. I can’t imagine what Jan would find annoying about me. Bob, I think it’s probably that I’m too funny.

(Bob) Your most annoying habit is that you’re too funny? You know, Michael, I would not have guessed that.

(Michael) Yes, it’s a curse, really. It can be intimidating, the power of my sense of humor. For instance…

(Bob) Okay then. Jim, how about you?

(Jim) Well, I’m afraid I have a lot to pick from. Bob, I hate to admit this on television, but I leave towels on the floor. I try to stop, but somehow I just can’t.

(Dwight) Jim, I can think of many things you do that are more annoying than that.

(Jim) Well, Dwight, you’re not my wife.

(Dwight) And I never will be.

(Jim) For so many reasons.

(Bob) Dwight, what about you? What will Angela say is your most annoying habit?

(Dwight) Bob, the Schrute men are loud snorers. In the wild, of course, this is a useful defense against predators. I have a snore that will frighten most bears. I’ve tried to explain to Angela that the noise is a small price to pay for extra security, but you know how women are about understanding such things, and she foolishly sees it as a negative.

(Bob) (Momentarily struck speechless) So snoring is Dwight’s answer. What about you, Ryan?

(Ryan) Wow. Dwight, how do you know…never mind. Bob, I’m going to say falling asleep while she’s talking.

(Bob) You fall asleep while she’s talking?

(Ryan) Not as much as I’d like to, Bob.

(Bob) Now it’s time to bring our wives back from offstage and see how our husbands did. In the meantime, let’s hear what our runner up couples will be receiving.

(Announcer) Bob, our three runner up couples will be receiving a year’s supply of Turtle Wax. Yes, restore that new car shine with Turtle Wax. And the Presto Fry Daddy Deep Fryer, the family sized easy fryer, easy to use, easy to clean, easy to store, the Presto Fry Daddy Deep Fryer.

(The couples are now all on the set)

(Bob) Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Our wives have returned and we’ll see how their husbands did guessing how they will respond to our questions. Each matching response is worth five points. Wives, from the beginning of your first date to the time you first made whoopee, will your wife say it was a matter of hours, days, weeks, months, or years? Angela, you’re first.

(Angela) (Looking appalled) You don’t seriously expect me to answer that, do you?

(Bob) Well, that is how the game works.

(Angela) I hardly see that is any of your business. I decline to answer the question. (She looks at Dwight menacingly).

(Bob) Well, let’s see what Dwight said. (Dwight holds up a card saying, “I decline to answer the question“) He said you would decline to answer the question. Judges, this is a little unusual. What’s the ruling? (A bell dings). We’re going to count that as correct. Five points for Angela and Dwight.

(Angela looks at Dwight with approval. Dwight looks pleased.)

(Michael) Hey, that’s not fair.

(Jan) (Looking annoyed and very tense) Michael, quit whining.

(Bob) You’re next Jan. Hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

(Jan) (Trying to stay composed but looking nauseous) It was months.

(Bob) Let’s see what Michael said. (Michael holds up a sign saying “months,” with the “o” in months shaped like a heart. He smiles broadly.) He said “months,” five points for Jan and Michael.

(Michael) That‘s what she said. (giggles, looks at other couples). Get it? That‘s what she said. (Jan sighs and looks nauseous again)

(Bob) Kelly, how long from the beginning of the first date to when you first made whoopee?

(Kelly) Oh my God I can’t believe I’m on television! Hi mom! I hope my makeup looks good Ryan does my makeup look good? These lights are…

(Bob) Kelly, Kelly, the question?

(Kelly) Oh yeah sorry I’m just so excited let’s see it was months Ryan you better have said months.

(Ryan cringes)

(Bob) Let’s see Ryan’s answer. (Ryan holds up card saying “weeks”). He said “weeks,” sorry, no points.

(Kelly) (Hits Ryan in the arm) Weeks? It was not weeks! Great, now I look like a whore on television. I can’t believe you said weeks it was not weeks

(Ryan) (Exasperated) It was four weeks.

(Kelly) It was 32 days Ryan, that’s months not weeks and it will be at least that long before it happens again. I can’t believe you…

(Bob) (Laughs). While Ryan runs for cover, we’ll move to our final couple. Pam, hours, weeks, months, days our years?

(Pam) Huh. Well. That’s a tricky one for us. (She looks at Jim, and seems to come to a decision.) It was years. Too many years.

(Jim smiles)

(Bob) Let’s see what Jim said. (Jim holds up a card saying “years” and underneath it “the roof counts.”) He said years, that’s five points.

(Jim and Pam do a high five)

(Pam) (To Jim) The roof did count. (They kiss).

(Bob) Let’s move on to our next question. Ladies, what is the best dish that you husband cooks? Or, if he doesn’t do anything well, you can tell us the least awful. Kelly, this time we’re starting with you.

(Kelly) It was months, Ryan. I just want to say to everyone in America watcing that it was months. I am not a whore.

(Angela) That’s debatable.

(Kelly) (To Angela) What was that you…

(Bob) Ladies, ladies, this is a catfight free zone. Kelly, I need an answer to the question.

(Kelly) Fine. Cereal.

(Bob) The best dish he cooks is cereal?

(Kelly) Yes. At least he can’t burn the building down making cereal.

(Ryan) Oh, come on. I can’t believe you brought that up.

(Bob) Ryan, show us your answer.

(Ryan, with an annoyed look, holds up the card saying “lasagna.”)

(Bob) Ryan said lasagna, no points there.

(Kelly) Your lasagna sucks.

(Ryan) Why do you eat it then?

(Kelly) I’m not speaking to you.

(Ryan) Don’t do me any favors.

(Bob) Jan, you’re next. The best thing Michael cooks?

(Jan) Actually, he’s not that…

(The crowd starts hooting and applauding. Ryan and Kelly are making out)

(Angela) Disgusting.

(Bob) Kids? We’re trying to do a family show here. Oh never mind. Jan, try to ignore the distraction and give us an answer.

(Jan) His ribs are fabulous.

(Bob) Jan says ribs, Michael you said…

(Michael, looking hurt, holds up the card saying, “Chicken a la Scott”)

(Michael) My ribs? Those were Chili’s take out! I thought you loved my Chicken a la Scott?

(Jan) Take out? You told me you worked all day on those ribs, Michael.

(Michael) Well, I did. I had to call ahead, drive to Chili’s, pick them up…

(Bob) No points there. On to the next couple, Pam, give us the best dish Jim makes.

(Pam) Well, his cooking is improving. But, I have to go with the classic and say his famous grilled cheese.

(Bob) Pam says his famous grilled cheese and Jim says…

(Jim, smiling contentedly, holds up the card saying “grilled cheese”)

(Bob) Grilled cheese, for five points!

(Jim and Pam kiss)

(Bob) Angela, on to you, give us the best dish that Dwight makes.

(Angela) Dwight prepares many interesting dishes. My personal favorite is his beet salad.

(Dwight grimaces and holds up the sign saying, “Beet fritters“)

(Bob) Very close, he said beet fritters.

(Dwight) I thought you liked the fritters best.

(Angela) It’s the name. “Fritters” sounds inappropriate. And salads are virtuous.

(Bob) No points there. Now for our final five point question. Wives, what is your husband’s most annoying habit? Jan, this time we’re starting with you.

(Jan) (Looks thoughtful). I’ll have to say making inappropriate jokes.

(Bob) Michael you said…

(Michael holds up the card saying “Being too funny”)

(Bob) Being too funny. Judges?

(Bob) They’re going to give it to you. Five points.

(Angela) That is certainly not a match.

(Michael attempts to Kiss Jan, who rolls her eyes, then submits to a kiss on the cheek)

(Bob) Pam, your turn. What’s Jim’s worst habit?

(Pam) I only get to pick one?

(Jim) Hey now…

(Bob) I’m sure it’s tough, but give us just one.

(Pam) He’s gonna kill me.

(Bob) I’m sure he won’t kill you. Let us have it.

(Jim looks apprehensive)

(Pam) He’s too noisy during sex…I’m sorry, I mean he’s too noisy during whoopee.

(Crowd titters, Jim looks shocked)

(Jim) Hey Pam, did you know we’re on television?

(Pam) When we were in an apartment, I couldn’t even look at our neighbors.

(Bob) Very interesting. Let’s see what Jim said…

(Jim, looking embarrassed, holds up the card saying, “leaves towels on the floor“)

(Bob) He said his worst habit was leaving towels on the floor. Not quite a match on that one.

(Pam) That’s a good one too.

(Bob) Now Angela, tell us about Dwight’s worst habit.

(Angela) While awake, his conduct is virtually blameless. When he sleeps, he snores like the demon dogs of hell.

(Bob) Angela says snores, Dwight says…

(Dwight smiles and holds up the cards that says, “snoring”)

(Bob) It’s a match, good for five points. And that brings us to our final couple this round, Kelly, what is Ryan’s worst habit?

(Kelly’s hair is tousled, her makeup smeared. Lipstick and a shit-eating grin can be seen on Ryan’s face)

(Kelly) What? I’m sorry I missed the question.

(Bob) Ryan’s worst habit?

(Kelly) He doesn’t keep up with the news. I don’t mean that business week stuff I mean like he didn’t even know that Tom Cruise and George Michael were engaged and that was in People magazine weeks ago or he thought Angelina had adopted six kids when of course it’s ten I mean Ohmygod do you even read?

(Bob) (Looking flustered) Ryan, Kelly says you don’t keep up with the news, Ryan, you said you…

(Ryan holds up a card saying, “Falls asleep while she’s talking“)

(Kelly) What? You fall asleep while I’m talking are you kidding how can you…

(Ryan) Uhh…once. Hey, what’s that you were saying about Jessica Simpson earlier?

(Kelly) What you mean about the boob job? I can’t believe her and her sister it’s like every week they have a new body part…

(Bob) No points there. That’s the end of round one. A close horse race here with a three way tie for the lead. Pam and Jim, Angela and Dwight, and Jan and Michael all have ten points. Kelly and Ryan are still yet to get on the board. When we return our husbands will be offstage and our wives will try to guess how their husbands will answer. Those questions will be worth ten points each, so don’t go away.