(Bob) That’s the end of round one. A close horse race here with a three way tie for the lead. Pam and Jim, Angela and Dwight, and Jan and Michael all have ten points. Kelly and Ryan are still yet to get on the board. When we return our husbands will be offstage and our wives will try to guess how their husbands will answer. Those questions will be worth ten points each, so don’t go away.

(Commercial) Tonight on COPS, the Scranton P.D. deals with a drunk driver who has lost more than his sobriety. (Footage of Todd Packer with no pants on, handcuffed and bent over a police car)

(Todd Packer) (Slurring) “Ociffer, I’m not drunk. I don’t (bleep) care what your (bleep) brefalizer says. I just had a couple of cocktails. Hey, where are my (bleep) pants? Did you take my pants? What are you, some sort of (bleep) queer?

(Bob) Welcome back everyone. Our husbands have now been secluded off stage and it’s time for our wives to guess how their husbands will answer some questions. In this round each correct match is worth ten points. Let’s get started ladies.

(Bob) Ladies, which song will your husband say best describes your first date? Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice? Kelly, we’re going to start with you.

(Kelly) What year is it Bob, 1983? I wasn’t even born when those songs were made. Seriously. I should get to choose between Gwen Stefani and Christina and Ohmygod have you heard Fergie’s new song? It is incredibly awesome…

(Bob) (Cutting her off) Sorry, Kelly, you have to pick one of those songs.

(Kelly) (Annoyed) Well, Sea of Love then of course I mean it’s not like it could be any of the others.

(Bob) Kelly says Sea of Love, Jan what do you say?

(Jan) Well, it was supposed to be Our Lips are Sealed but of course I don’t think Michael quite grasps the meaning of that song. Separate Ways, I guess.

(Bob) Pam, what about you?

(Pam) (Looks indecisive) I don’t know, none of those seem quite right. (Thinks) Sea of Love.

(Bob) You don’t seem too sure.

(Pam) No, I’m sure. It just seems to take me a while to figure these things out.

(Bob) Angela, that leaves you. Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice?

(Angela) Our Lips are Sealed. Not that I approve of such music, of course, but I asked Dwight to be discreet, and he was. We didn’t feel the need to disgustingly parade our relationship around like others did.

(Bob) Okay, Angela says Our Lips are Sealed. Next question. What item of clothing does your husband wear that you absolutely can’t stand? Angela, you seem to be on a roll, we’ll start with you this time.

(Angela) Dwight has excellent fashion sense. However, he does have one green shirt that unfortunately he insists on wearing occasionally, even though I explain it makes him look like a pimp.

(Bob) (Amused) It makes him look like a pimp? Are there a lot of pimps running around in Scranton wearing green shirts?

(Angela) (Confused) Yes…I mean I don’t know…I’m sure if there are…how should I know? It’s not like I would go to that part of town.

(Bob) Okay then, his green shirt. Pam, what about you? What does Jim wear that you absolutely can’t stand?

(Pam) (Thinks). It’s got to be his old basketball shoes. They’re like ten years old and he won’t get rid of them. They stink up our closet. I even bought him a new pair and he still won’t get rid of them.

(Bob) Pam says it’s his stinky basketball shoes. Jan, what does Michael insist on wearing that you just can’t stand?

(Jan) God, how do I pick just one thing? Okay. It’s got to be his penis tie.

(Crowd titters)

(Bob) ` (Incredulously) His penis tie?

(Jan) His idiot friend Todd Packer gave him this novelty tie that looks like a penis. We go to a cocktail party and he comes out of the bathroom wearing it. He thought he was the funniest thing ever.

(Bob) Wow. I have to admit that seems worse than old shoes or a green shirt. Kelly, what about you? Ryan doesn’t have a penis tie, does he?

(Kelly) Oh my God no but he does have something almost that bad. He ordered these shoes to make him look taller, they’re like elevator shoes, and he thinks no one can tell but you totally can and it’s like great so your five-ten instead of five-seven but your shoes look ridiculous the tradeoff is so not worth it…

(Bob) (Again cutting her off) Elevator shoes, then. Final ten point question. What will your husband say is the most daring place you two ever made whoopee? Jan, we’re going to start with you.

(Jan) (Trying to be poised) I would say in a bathroom.

(Bob) A little more specific…what sort of bathroom?

(Jan) (Guiltily) A restaurant bathroom. A Chili’s restaurant bathroom. (Loses her reserve) I had sex with Michael Scott in the bathroom of a Chili’s restaurant. Specific enough for you? Are you happy now? Did you hear that, mom?

(Bob) (Worried) Okay. Angela, what about you. The most daring place you and Dwight ever made whoopee?

(Angela) (Looks at Bob with contempt) Fine. Certain sorts of things have happened at certain times on the fields of our beet farm.

(Laughter and hooting from crowd)

(Bob) Wow. I’m not sure I’ll look at beets the same way again. Kelly, to you now. What’s the most daring place you and Ryan ever made whoopee?

(Kelly) (Giggling) It was so awesome we were at a movie once and there was this scene where Leonardo Dicaprio takes off his shirt and we were in a row by ourselves and I gave Ryan this look and I totally didn’t think he would pick up on it but he totally did and he starts…

(Bob) So your answer is in a movie theatre?

(Kelly) (Dreamily) Oh yeah it was awesome he put his…

(Bob) (Hastily) Okay then, now to our last wife. Pam, how about you and Jim. The most daring place you made whoopee?

(Pam) (Sheepishly) I guess the roof of our office building.

(Angela) (Under her breath) Hussy.

(Pam) What was that? How are the beets doing this year?

(Bob) Pam says on the roof of their office building. That’s the last of our ten point questions. Now for our 25 point bonus question. Ladies, who will your husband say wins most of your arguments, you or him? Pam, we’ll start with you.

(Pam) Well, Jim is a pretty strong adversary, but I really don’t like losing. I’ll say me.

(Bob) Pam says she wins most of the arguments. Kelly, what about you and Ryan? Who will he say wins most of the arguments?

(Kelly) Well I don’t know it’s hard to say like if it’s about celebrities and important stuff it’s always me but sometimes it’s him I don’t know we don’t really argue that much usually it’s more like he’s wrong and I have to explain why and…

(Bob) Kelly, we need an answer

(Kelly) I guess me.

(Bob) Okay, thank you Kelly. Your turn Angela.

(Angela) Victory is very important to Dwight, and he can be very persuasive. I’ll say him.

(Bob) He usually wins? Interesting. Finally Jan, who will Michael say wins most of your arguments?

(Jan) He pouts when he loses, so I usually have to let him think he won. I’ll say him.

(Bob) Jan says Michael will say that he usually wins. That’s it for our questions, now it’s time to bring our husbands back and see how they our wives did guessing what they will say. Before we do that, let’s hear more about the exciting gifts our runner up couples will receive.

(Announcer) Bob, they’ll receive Creamettes, macaroni and spaghetti, the delicious pasta in the famous green box, cooks up perfectly in just seven minutes. And Baker’s Joy, the original no-stick baking spray with flour, use on all types of pans for the perfect results you expect.

(The husbands are back on the set)

(Bob) Our husbands have returned and we’re going to see how well their wives did predicting how they will respond . Remember in this round each matching response is worth ten points towards the special exciting grand prize. Husbands, first question. Which song best describes your first date? Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice? Ryan we’re going to start with you.

(Ryan) (Unenthused) Super. Wow, I have no idea. I’ll say Sea of Love.

(Bob) You don’t sound too confident.

(Ryan) Yeah, I’m not really.

(Bob) Let’s see what Kelly said (She grins widely and holds up sign saying “Sea of Love,” with a picture of waves and a heart) She said Sea of Love and that‘s ten points and you‘re on the board.

(Kelly bounces up an down with excitement and kisses Ryan)

(Bob) Michael, your turn. Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice?

(Michael) Actually it was My Humps. (Singing) My humps my humps my humps.

(Bob) Sorry Michael, we need you to pick from the songs we listed.

(Michael) (Looks petulant) Well, that’s stupid. I’ll say See the Love.

(Bob) You mean Sea of Love?

(Michael) What?

(Bob) Never mind. Let’s see what Jan said, (Jan, annoyed, holds up card saying “Separate Ways). She said Separate Ways. No match there.

(Jan) Sea of Love? Michael, we barely saw each other for months after that.

(Michael) (Pouting) Well, it was see the love for me. (Jan softens a bit)

(Bob) That brings us to you, Jim. Which song?

(Jim) Well, I was gonna say My Humps too, but Michael took that one. (Pam looks at him with mock offense). But for me it was certainly Sea of Love.

(Bob) Pam said…(Pam smiles radiantly and holds up card saying “Sea of Love”) Sea of Love and that’s worth ten points.

(Pam and Jim kiss)

(Bob) Dwight, on to you now. Which song best described your first date: Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice?

(Dwight) It was all of them, really. But my answer is Our Lips are Sealed, although I hate to choose a song by an all girl band. Ridiculous concept. Can you imagine the plumbing on their tour bus, all their cycles in sync…

(Bob) (Hastily interrupting) Okay, let’s see if you matched Angela, she said (She holds up card saying “Our Lips are Sealed”) Our Lips are Sealed. Good for ten points.

(Angela looks approvingly at Dwight)

(Bob) That brings us to your next question. Husbands, what article of clothing do you wear that your wife absolutely can’t stand? Dwight, you’re first for this one.

(Dwight) I have a full suit of armor that I wear occasionaly to keep broken in, just in case the need for it arises. The moment I put it on Angela always demands with great urgency that I take it off.

(Angela blushes and looks flustered)

(Bob) Dwight said his suit of armor. Anglea said it was…(Angela, still flustered, holds up card saying “His green shirt”) your green shirt. She said it makes you look like a pimp. Close, but no match.

(Angela) (To Dwight) Your green shirt makes you look like a pimp. Your suit of armor makes you (excitedly) look brave and heroic and…” (She stops and composes herself)

(Dwight) But you always make me take it (Look of understanding crosses his face)…Oh.

(Bob) Now we go to you Jim. What do you wear that Pam absolutely can’t stand?

(Jim) I have this great pair of basketball shoes that she wants me to get rid of.

(Bob) Let’s see what Pam said. (She holds up card saying “Smelly old shoes”) She says your smelly old shoes, that’s a match for ten points.

(Jim) (To Pam) I will never get rid of them. I want to be buried in them.

(Pam) (Solemnly) Okay, that’s fine. As long as we can do it right away.

(Bob) Next up is Michael; Michael what do you wear that Jan absolutely can’t stand?

(Michael) (Starts to giggle) Bob, I have this tie. It’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. It looks like (laughing)…like a penis! It’s hilarious. I broke it out at this party and everyone though it was hysterical.

(Jan) No one but you and the Benson’s eleven-year-old son thought it was hysterical, Michael.

(Michael) Oh, everybody loved it.

(Jan just shakes her head)

(Bob) So is that your answer? Your penis tie?

(Michael) Yeppers.

(Bob) Jan said…(She reluctantly holds up card saying “Penis tie”) penis tie it is for ten points. Ryan, that’s hard to top, but what do you wear that Kelly absolutely can’t stand?

(Ryan) (Shrugs his shoulders) I don’t know. I have a Red Sox hat that I don’t think she likes.

(Bob) You say your Red Sox hat she said…(Kelly holds up card saying “Elevator Shoes“) She said she hates your elevator shoes.

(Ryan) (Pissed and embarrassed) I can’t believe you…I never even wear them.

(Kelly) You wear them all the time and it looks so stupid like you’re fooling anyone you’re a little short there’s nothing wrong with that.

(Ryan) I am not short. I’m average. Get your facts straight.

(Bob) Well in any case, no points for that one. That brings us to our final ten point question. Husbands, what is the most daring place you and your wife have ever made whoopee? Michael, we’ll start with you. The most daring place you and Jan ever made whoopee?

(Michael) (Looks puzzled, hesitates) I guess…in the butt?

(Hooting and laughter from audience, Bob cracks up)

(Darryl) (From audience) ‘Attaboy, Mike!

(Jan) (Stunned ) Michael!

(Ryan) (Under his breath) But for the grace of God go I.

(Michael) (Innocently) Don’t you remember you were a little drunk and said you wanted to try it and we…

(Jan) (Seething) Michael!

(Bob) (Fighting laughter) Michael, we’re looking for a place, like a location, not a part of the body.

(Michael) (Embarrassed) Oh. Well. She loves it in the Chili’s bathroom.

(Jan) Michael it was…Oh God, never mind. (She holds up the card saying “Restaurant bathroom")

(Bob) She said the bathroom at Chili’s, that’s good for ten points.

(Jim) Wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to take the first answer?

(Bob) I think the judges decided Michael needed some clarification.

(Jim) I think that would be an understatement.

(Bob) Let’s move along. Dwight, what’s the most daring place you and Angela have made whoopee? And hopefully everyone is now clear what we mean by place.

(Dwight) (Looks at Angela, who gives him a reluctant nod) Outside under the moon and stars on our beet farm.

(Bob) Angela said…(she quickly flashes the card saying “Beet field” before quickly putting it down) she said in the beet field, that’s a match. Ten more points for Dwight and Angela. Now on to Kelly and Ryan. Ryan, what do you say?

(Ryan) Gotta be the movie theatre, Bob.

(Bob) Quite a fan of the cinema, aren’t you Ryan?

(Ryan) You know it, Bob.

(Bob) Let’s see what Kelly said… (Kelly holds up the card saying “Movie Theatre”) she said movie theatre and that’s ten points.

(Kelly jumps up and down and squeezes Ryan, who tries to look embarrassed but can‘t help but smile)

(Bob) Now for our last couple. Jim, what’s the most daring place you and Pam ever made whoopee?

(Jim) Well, the Chili’s bathroom is out. Can’t even get her in the front door. So many crazy places to choose from, though. She‘s not a patient woman.

(Pam) Excuse me?

(Jim) I have to say, though, that we kind of like the roof at our office.

(Bob) Jim says the roof and Pam says…(Pam holds up card saying “The roof”) the roof, a match and ten more points.

(Jim smiles. Pam tries to look angry but then breaks out laughing and hugs him)

(Michael) (Singing) The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire. We don’t need no water let the…

(Bob) Time for another break, but first let’s check our scores. Right now Pam and Jim lead with forty points, followed by Angela and Dwight and Jan and Michael with thirty. Kelly and Ryan trail with twenty, but it’s still anyone’s game. When we come back we’ll see how our couples do on the 25 point bonus question and who will take home the exciting grand prize selected just for them.