Hi. I'm Cupcake. Stop laughing. I am no laughing matter. What? You didn't think I existed? Or did you just think I had no opinion on all this? Well, you were wrong. And, no, it's not funny that I have a cutsie name. Pam didn't name me herself, of course, few women do that, and certainly not Pam. But, if you don't mind my saying so, I am a bit of a sweet treat, so I declare that I am Cupcake. And....there's that laughing again. That's going to have to stop.
Look, I hear Maximus has been talking some smack lately, and I'd like to set the record straight about a couple of things. All this "Who is Pam, Katy was great, Karen is great" yeah, right. Maximus. Dude. I could HEAR you, all those years. Right through Halpert's pants. "Cupcake, oh how I love you Cupcake! Someday, we will be together, sweet Cupcake!" Ring a bell, Max?
Sigh. I don't mean to sound harsh. Honestly, I've been pretty interested in meeting Maximus since the day Jim and Pam first met. But, Pam, she's all about commitment. And by the time Jim and Maximus came on the scene, Pam was committed to Roy, and I was pretty much stuck with Harvey, my go-to guy, the only guy I've actually ever, you know....met.
Yes, Roy's fella is named Harvey. Roy calls him the "Lovinator," but, seriously. His name is Harvey. And, we had a great relationship, Harvey and I. We really did. That may surprise you, knowing as you must that Roy was prone to take Pam for granted. But, believe me, Harvey ALWAYS appreciated Cupcake. Unfortunately, Harvey and I had a much better relationship than Roy and Pam did. I feel guilty about that some times, because I wonder if Pam would have dumped Roy earlier if I hadn't gotten along so well with Harvey. And, sometimes, when Roy was being at his worst, it really did put a damper on things with me and Harv. That's where Maximus played a part that Jim wouldn't have chosen for him.
See, when she was little, Pam read in some Ladies Housekeeping magazine that the key to keeping the "spark" in your relationship was to allow yourself to be attracted to other unavailable men. You were supposed to use all that sexual energy to spice things up with Mr. Tried and True. Which is exactly why, at that basketball game, I was pretty much screaming with all my might to meet Maximus and Pam decided to get all saucy with Roy. Yes, it was a nice night with Harvey. But it kind of bugged me because I knew Pam was thinking about Jim the whole time, and I didn't think it was fair that Queen Pamela (that's what we all call The Brain) got to be with someone else and I was just there with regular old Harvey.
Poor Harvey. It was good to get to see him again, it was. Mostly because it had gotten pretty lonely in here. I hadn't had any visitors aside from the Hand for months. And visits from the Hand were always sad and you knew Queen Pamela was all "JimJimJim" and it really made me feel bad for Pam. Especially when she cried.
So, now Maximus is seeing someone else. I notice he doesn't even know her name. He calls her by the OWNER'S name, which is just so degrading. Look, Max. I know you like her. I'm sure she's very nice and all that. But I notice that all I have to do is whisper your name, or get Pam to give Jim one of her best "looks," and Jim's right back to thinking about Pam and I can yet again hear you calling me right through Halpert's pants. So, seriously. Let's get to it.
And, you know what? If you are still seeing that other chick next season? I had better be making some new friends. Because this Cupcake needs a little more sugar, if you know what I mean.
What am I saying? Of course you do.
Story Notes:
Because girls can have creepily Anthropomorphic talking genatalia, too.
I own no intellectual property in this story. In fact, I doubt that there is anything intellectual here whatsoever.
