They were there on the porch for hours. The sun went down, the stars came out, and goose bumps broke out in a fine spray all over her arms. When Jim came jogging outside with a hoodie, she smiled up at him and took it from his hands.

"Thank you....I'm sure it won't be too big."

Jim smiled back at her and sat down on the step next to her as she pulled it on over her head. It was his favorite black hoodie and now it would smell a little like her...a little like tonight - jasmine blooming like crazy all around them, her hair...pineapple?

He pulled the hood up over her hair and used the moment as an excuse to touch her, tucking a lock of her hair inside the hood. "There you go..."

Every instinct he'd been denying, was suddenly back with a vengeance all because she'd said a few words to him in front of a bonfire. All because he'd asked her out and she'd said yes. All because they were finally being honest. All because of a damn yogurt lid. All because she was Pam and damn it this was how they were supposed to be.

The hoodie fell down past her denim covered knees and she played with the hem before looking up at him again. He was reaching for the hood again, picking something...a leaf...off of the top of it.

"Halpert stop trying to cop a feel."

"That was not copping a feel Beesly...if I was trying to cop a feel you'd know."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"Are we really having this conversation?" Pam said, almost enable to get out the last word because of the giggle in her voice. God she felt like she was 13 years old again.

Jim licked his lips. "Well I'm not the one who so obviously wants to get felt up...so..."

"Oh you so do."

He shrugged. "Yeah...I guess. But not tonight...I don't put out on the first date, so."

She smiled at him. That was for her. She knew it was. She may have had limited experience with men other than Roy, but she still knew the signs. She knew what that look in his eyes for the last couple of hours meant. He wasn't fooling anyone.

But she also knew what a sweetheart he was. How he said things sometimes (it had been a long time since he had) just for her benefit - to make her feel better.

Pam glanced up at the stars above. A blanket of gemstones on blue stretched over them. She couldn't remember a night quite this spectacular. Or...yes she could.

"This reminds me of that time on the roof."

He looked down at his own knees and nodded slightly, then looked up to catch her smile. "You mean the firework extravaganza?"

"I mean that time I said that it wasn't a date."

"Wow," Jim said leaning away, he rested his head on the railing that surrounded the porch. "Beesly you are much too fancy for me tonight, I'm not sure I can keep up."

"Try."

He shook his head. "I guess....now that you mention it. I do remember you saying that..."

"It felt like a date...I mean..." she pushed her hands inside the large pocket on the front of his hoodie. She could lose herself inside this sweater. Find herself...maybe. "It felt more like a date than a lot of other things did..." she shook her head. She wasn't going to talk about Roy - not yet.

"Well...you can't classify it as a date now because this has been officially christened as our first date...so sorry - you snooze you loose."

"I wish I could."

He stayed silent, his eyes on hers as he bent forward.

"I wish...that I could go back and explain myself better....That night and the night of the...casino thing. I..."

Still he waited, his eyes wide. They hadn't gone here at all. Not to this territory. And the thought of going there now, made his heart leap into his chest. It lodged itself there and thumped like crazy...waiting....

It was like going back to the scene of an accident and knowing it was gonna hurt just as bad talking as it had actually experiencing it in the first place.

"I just ...I always wanted just a couple of things growing up...and I thought I could have those - I thought that if I just held on long enough that Roy would pull through for me...and when he set that date - when he finally set that date...all I could think of was - ok...it's happening. I'm going to be happy now - really happy...like it was some magic happy pill or something......So when you said...when you told me how you felt, I was almost...I was almost angry?"

Jim found himself laughing a little. He wasn't sure exactly why at first, but as he replayed her words in his head, he figured it out.

"That's how you said it that night...like a question. Like you didn't quite know..."

"What do you mean?" Pam said, frowning.

He paused for a moment, expecting her to figure it out, but it became clear in seconds that she honestly didn't know. He felt a little like an ass for laughing...but then again...he didn't.

"That night..." he said licking his lips. "You said something like....I can't. But it sounded like a question...like you weren't sure...and you did it again - just now."

She swallowed hard. "I'm trying...this is...this isn't easy for me."

He was an ass. But damn it how could she not know exactly how she felt! The whole time he'd been with Karen he'd at least known. Hell he may have fooled everyone else, but he'd never fooled himself - not deep down. Deep down he'd known it would always be Pam. He could try and deny it, try and force himself to move on...but it was all horseshit.

How could she not have known?...The thought lingered, and he shook his head. This wasn't about going back and blaming. This was about taking a shot at what they could have now.

"I'm sorry."

"I really felt like you were going to...ruin everything."

Great. "Well thank you."

"No, I...it wasn't...you....it...I forced myself not to see it because if I did....This life that wasn't even really...real...would just...fall apart, and I couldn't trust myself to have what I..." she still couldn't get it out. Even now it was so hard...

Her voice was getting tight. He could have pulled her hand out of the pocket, held it tight, told her not to worry about it. That they could just move on...but he couldn't. He needed to know. He'd spent countless nights in another city, replaying this conversation in his head and for the life of him he'd never been able to figure it out. Had he truly imagined it all? All the feelings that he'd felt...a misinterpretation?

"Jim, you were my best friend...and I pretended that I wasn't attracted to you...because I was afraid. Because I.......at the very least I had familiarity with him...he...I know it doesn't make any sense. But even our bad times were reliable. I knew when to let him off the hook, when to push, when to back off...I'd been living the routine for so long that even though it was...dumb - it was comfortable."

Jim frowned. Who the hell wanted to be comfortable? "I don't understand that."

Pam rubbed her ankles. She knew this would happen sooner or later. They'd get to a point in the evening of their first date where they weren't able to laugh things off. Too close to the truth to rely on kisses and too far away from what they'd been, not to rely on the truth that was coming.

"It was 10 years Jim...10 years and I'm not stupid...I know that I sent you signals that weren't exactly clear."

"So I didn't misinterpret? That's good."

He was angry. Really angry. It shown like a fire in his eyes, but she didn't look away because there was so much more than that. When she really looked it wasn't anger...so much as disappointment, so much as a lingering sadness.

"I deserve that.........Jim, I felt like I needed to protect what I had...

"From me?"

"Yes!...Are you listening to me?...I know that it's not what you would do...but I also know how I felt, I was SO close to being where I wanted to be, and the thought of giving that up....Giving that up in an instant, without even thinking about it....which was what you wanted to do -

"No. That -

She pulled back as if he'd struck her. Her mouth open wide... "Jim."

"Pam."

She pulled her hands out of the pocket on her stomach and pushed herself to standing. She spun around so quickly that she knocked over the empty beer bottle on the step in her haste to get inside. The front door slammed behind her.

Jim stared after her, his own front door baring them from each other.

"That went well."