By the time Jim had made it out the door, he had lost the ability to regulate the images were bouncing around in his head... Painful little flashes that kept popping into his mind. It was as if he was seeing them for the first time, because the first time he had seen them, he had committed them to memory without really taking them in.

God Dammit Karen. Get out of my fuckin' head already.

But she wouldn't. The images didn't stop. Karen looking up at him for the first time as he stepped to his new desk... standing and extending her hand... her pale green eyes framed elegantly by her tan, freckled face. Karen flashing him a tight lipped smile as she made his invisible grenade trigger a small paper clip explosion. Karen on the doorstep of her room at the Days Inn... standing on her tiptoes and looking up at him as he leaned down and kissed her for the first time. And most hauntingly perhaps, Karen on her back in the dim light of his apartment, her hair splashed easily behind her, closing her eyes and exhaling audibly, passionately, at the very moment when he pushed inside her for the first time. And, of course, Karen looking right through him in the break room, her eyes filled with fatigue, sadness, disappointment...

" Augh!" This time Jim let out an audible protest. He was in the elevator now. He banged the back of his head against the hollow, somewhat forgiving sheet metal wall panel, but to no avail. It wasn't love. It couldn't be love. Guilt. It had to be guilt. She was a strong woman, and that strength emboldened her to take a chance on him that few women would take. Risks that an intelligent, pretty creature like Karen didn't need to take.

Why couldn't you have let me go, Karen. I never asked you to love me, dammit!

In a court of law, Jim's thoughts would hold up. He had never asked Karen to love him. But the argument he was making to himself wasn't standing up to the scrutiny of his mind, which was now inexplicably forcing him to be accountable to himself. It was the guilt, most likely. Or he was evolving. Whatever it was, Jim wanted his protective veil of ignorance back. He had asked her for her love in many ways. And he knew it. Jim again tried to delude himself, to force the thoughts out of his head, but his thoughts were futile. He tried thinking of Pam but that only made it worse. He lost control as he reflected on all that he had done, and the honesty with which he was examining himself actually physically hurt him... He had made an art out of offering Karen just enough reason to stay with him. Just enough affection and reassurance to keep her committed to him. It had almost been like a game to him and he had played it well.

The one time the specter of honesty had reared its head he had spent five full nights telling his shaken, emotionally battered girlfriend everything short of "I love you" to get her to come back to him. He may have known he was making promises that his heart wasn't capable of keeping, but he had only been thinking of himself at the time. He needed her. He needed to use her. She was his rebound, his human shield, his post-Pam rehab, his self-esteem builder. All rolled into one small, convenient, pretty package. She was all of this but she was never really his girlfriend. He never loved her. Not the way he let her love him. Not the way he had in so many subtle ways asked her to love him.

Drop it, dammit! Forget it... Just forget it. Forget her. Forget everything. Why the hell does this hurt so much!

Jim felt trapped in the elevator... trapped in his own skin. His forehead felt like it was burning from the inside. His brow was damp with perspiration. He could feel his veins throbbing in his temples. His stomach was one big, angry knot. He knew it was impossible, but he wanted nothing more than to be able to slip back in time two weeks. Before the beach. Before Pam. Before he failed as a man in the worst way. The worst way. He had always thought of himself as a dedicated, chivalrous man. A kind man. A good man. And all justifications aside, he had fought to win Karen's trust. And in return she had given herself to him so completely, and he had readily accepted her offerings. He had he failed miserably as a boyfriend and as a man. He had let her suffer in the worst way... he had let her endure a very humiliating public attack from a third party, and he had done nothing to stop it. He had offered her no comfort. In fact, before long his actions served only to pile it on further... effectively teaming with Pam to kick her when she was at her most vulnerable.

CLANG! Jim's head hit the elevator wall again as the doors opened into the lobby. This has to be guilt. Please let this be guilt I'm feeling. Because guilt eventually fades, right? And please just make it stop.

If he could just go back in time and live those moments over again. He wasn't sure what he would do the second time, but it would be something, anything... anything to keep him from ending up like this. He may have interrupted Pam as soon as her monologue veered into their personal baggage. Or at the very least, in the immediate aftermath, offered Karen some reassurance or comfort or some sort of show of support to mitigate her public humiliation. Anything but leave her there to face the penetrating, judgmental stares of the co-workers who would never again see her for anything more than she was in that moment. Abandoned. Alone. The loser.

Surely he would still have found a way to Pam eventually. Definitely. Probably? He was still convinced he could never love anyone the way he loved her. But after the initial night of bliss, Jim had been losing his ability to see her with the tunnel vision that had allowed him to enjoy his happiness, to safely think only of the two of them. Seeing Karen again had finished the process, and reality was treating him more harshly than he had ever imagined. It all was starting to feel so damned tainted. To him, Pam was the kindest thing in the world, but it was gnawing at him that he had seen no thoughtlessness or cruelty in her actions, or his own, until days later when the sheer depth of Karen's suffering had been revealed to him. In fact he had indulged himself, and rewarded Pam. He had left Karen, after all, and found his way into Pam's bed that very night. The thoughts grew too painful again.

FUCKING HELL JUST STOP! Calm down. Stay calm. Just stay calm. The feeling has to stop. The feeling will stop. At least he told himself it would. He felt like fainting. He made it to his car and managed to drive a few blocks away, until he was out of sight. He parked on the side of the road beside a vacant lot and turned off the engine before settling deeply into the seat.

He knew. The feeling wasn't going to stop until he made it stop. He was a man. A man owns up to his mistakes. A man takes responsibility for his actions. A man makes things right, and does the right thing.

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I have to. I need to. I want to? I will.

It took him about half an hour to summon the strength. His palms were soaked with sweat. Jim pulled out his cell phone. He punched in a single number on speed dial. The voice came through.

"Hey."

Jim cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Please come meet me. I really need to talk."