Amanda

On her first day she looks as standoffish as you're sure she feels.

Her lips are pursed and her eyes still have the faintest rim of red, as if she’s almost but not quite done crying. When she smiles, it looks more like a grimace and everything about her says she’s broken.

This of course only fuels the fire of the guys in the office, she is hot afterall, and heartbroken is often misinterpreted for easy. After the third contender gets shot down in her first two weeks her status is downgraded from ‘hot’ to ‘alright’ by the time she’s been there a month and a half she’s already been labeled ‘damaged goods.’

Ironically, she starts to come around by the time guys stop hitting on her and her smiles become more genuine. And it’s around the time she starts really laughing and joking around that it hits you that you kind of have a crush on her.

You haven’t felt this way about a woman since college when there was something about that English TA that made you want to reach across your uncomfortable desk chair and kiss her senseless. Even now the thought of it makes your heart beat a little faster and breath catch just a little. But it’s not like you’re a lesbian, not at all really. Your ex-boyfriend would beg to differ and you had loved having sex with him and you definitely found him attractive.

But as much as you try to deny it you’re definitely attracted to this girl with the shiny dark hair and freckled skin, in the awkwardly mannish outfits and still slightly sad smile.

So you do the only reasonable thing and avoid her completely, even though she smells amazing and you overhear in the breakroom that she’s going to see your favorite band this weekend. It smacks too much of fate and you don’t even believe in that. And you’ve never let something like this take you down before and you’re determined to beat this thing that you feel for this girl.

Karen

By the second week, after you’re done being slightly hung over at work and spending your evenings trying not to call him and blocking out images of the two of them fucking in the moonlight, you notice her.

She works in human resources and is as perfectly nondescript as she is gorgeous. Like a certain bitchy receptionist you’d like to forget, her hair is curly but falls in smooth fat curls down her back rather than a frizzy blob on her shoulders. It’s bright red and something about it makes you want to reach out and run your fingers through it.

Except for the fact that she’s so distant around you, you can tell that she would be an amazing friend. The little playbills and ticket stubs tacked up in her cubicle are a testament to her coolness and once when she’s reaching up for more splenda in the cabinet in the breakroom you see a flash of a blue-green tattoo on her lower back. The brief glimpse of creamy skin does something to you in your lower abdomen.

You’ve dated women before but it’s always been initiated by the other woman and for the first time in your life you’re considering asking out a girl and the very thought makes your palm sweat.

Amanda

In the end, two months after she’s been here, it gets absolutely impossible to ignore her any longer when you end up seated next to each other in a smoky uptown bar at a company happy hour. It’s so loud that she’s pretty much the only person you can talk to and you can only hear her when she talks directly into your ear.

But then again it’s terribly difficult to concentrate on what she’s saying with the sensation of her warm breath against your neck and her hand slipping around the back of your chair for balance.

You talk about schools and families and broken hearts and dickhead boyfriends and you drink too much too fast in an attempt to slow down your heart rate.

By the time the party moves down the block to a nightclub you’re pretty sure you’re losing all your inhibitions and when you see the flush in her cheek and the look in her eye you think maybe you can let go just a little.

Karen

You dance with a bunch of guys and a little with her but your eyes are glued to her all night. She’s flushed and flirty and although she laughs and hands out numbers you know she’s watching you too and you start to plan a little because the ache between your legs is growing and it’s been too long.

Amanda

By the time you end up in the taxi, who knew you lived so close to one another, you’re both more than tipsy but less than wasted and it’s the perfect amount of inebriation to laugh like lunatics and sit unnecessarily close to one another. It’s also just enough drunk for her hand to fall on your bare knee and her fingertips to linger.

You chalk it up to drunkness on her part and you continue to laugh about some of the freaks and douchebags who tried to chat you up tonight but while you’re complaining about the lack of decent men in this city her fingers slip to the underside of your knee lightly caressing you. This time you gasp a little but she pretends not to notice and keeps laughing at your story.

Now you aren’t sure if you’re going crazy but you can feel her fingers inching their way up the inside of your thigh and you know enough to realize that incredibly wet already.

Something about the fact that her expression hasn’t changed at all and that she’s still smiling beatifically makes you a little angry and suddenly you feel like two can play at this game.

Karen

Your fingers feel like they have a life of their own as they caress the soft underside of her knees and you can’t help but lightly stroke the inside of her thighs. From her sexy little gasp you can tell that she’s feeling it too and she’s looking at you searchingly and you know you’re a coward for not just pushing her against the cab door and invading her mouth but you’re still a little wounded. You suddenly hate him all over again for breaking your confidence and even though you’re still too weak to give any indication to her that you want her, you let your hand travel up her skirt just a little more.

Amanda

You keep talking and laughing and she keeps laughing and nodding even though her hand is almost buried between your legs, you look up to see if the cabbie notices but he’s engrossed in phone call where he’s whispering angrily and blissfully unaware that you’re maybe minutes away from being fucked by Karen’s hand.

You think about pulling away and inviting her up but you’re still a little peeved that she’s so cool and collected while you feel like your heart is about to beat out of your chest so you angle yourself towards her instead as if you have the most hilarious thing ever to tell her. If your hand accidentally brushes her breast as you steady yourself against the headrest behind her head you pretend not to notice.

Suddenly you’re close enough to her face to notice that her pupils are actually pretty dilated and that she’s breathing in tiny little breaths, the very thought makes you wet and you let your hand fall, fall to the crotch of her pants and when she jumps you giggle and say oops. When your hand falls there again a few minutes later she doesn’t react so you stroke her lightly with your well-manicured finger nail.

You’re a stop light away from your place and you have no idea how this night is going to end.

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Karen

By the time her fingernail grazes your clit through your dress pants you’re already on fire, when she whispers that ‘we’re almost there’ you almost lose it.

Luckily the cab comes to a halt and you manage to pull a wad of bills out of your tiny clutch and hand it to him shakily. You stumble out of the cab with her and for a moment neither of you moves and then through some unspoken agreement she moves towards her building and you follow her wordlessly.

Amanda

She doesn’t make an inane comment about the fact that you live in a gorgeous building in a spacious two bedroom that your grandmother left you- it makes you like her more if that was possible.

You’re both laughing by the time you stumble into your living room and you’ve forgotten what about but when you ask her if she wants a nightcap and she drawls out an exaggerated ‘sure’ it sets you both off again. While you’re pouring the drinks you feel her pressed against your side and she’s warm and soft and when she giggles that she wants a ‘preventative advil’ to ward off the hangover that sure to come tomorrow you laughingly comply before collapsing on the sofa.

She sits down too close to you and your legs are pressed together and you want, you want.

Karen

No longer in the bravery inducing darkness of the yellow cab, you’re suddenly afraid of rejection all over again and even though she’s so close and her skin’s so soft and she looks so lovely with her cheeks rosy and her blue, blue eyes flashing you don’t think you can bring yourself to make the first move.

So when she giggles into your neck that she’s ‘soooo drunk’ you think that maybe she’s giving you a free pass, that maybe even if this is a disaster you can chalk it up to inebriation tomorrow.

The thought gives you courage.

Amanda

You’re still laughing into her hair when her tiny hand slips around your waist, you don’t pull back even a little. Instead you place a tiny kiss where her neck meets her collarbone, because you’re really, really ready.

Karen

Her kiss gives your courage and soon your hand is slipping up her shirt and unhooking her bra and then you’re slipping her shirt off like you do this every day and then your mouth is on her breast and she’s moaning and you’re surprised that you haven’t come already because you’re pretty sure you haven’t been this turned on in a really, really long time.

Amanda

You aren’t sure how she got your shirt off or how she managed to pull off your bra or more importantly how she learned to do that thing with her tongue that’s currently driving you crazy. You do know that if she doesn’t fuck you tonight you’ll die.

But for now you’re happy having her go to town on your left breast while she rolls your right nipple between her fingertips. It’s the first time a woman’s ever done this to you and you can’t believe you’ve waited this long.

Karen

You want more of her after a little while and you’re kissing your way down her flat belly and your hand is slipping under her skirt and when you touch her she’s so wet that you can’t help but let out a little growl and she grinds almost involuntarily against your hand.

Amanda

You push away from her even though every molecule in your body wants her to keep doing what she’s doing. The part of your brain that is still working is trying to convince you that she’s wearing entirely too much clothing. So you start to unsnap the buttons on her blouse and she tries to kiss you but you pull away, preferring to feast on the freckled skin between her breasts instead. She tastes sweet and salty and when she swings her leg over your hip so that she’s almost straddling you, you can’t help but grind a little against her as you take a long lick down her sternum. She clutches your head between her fingers and suddenly you can’t get her pants off fast enough.

Karen

You don’t know when you lost control of the situation but your pants are off and all you’re wearing is your candy floss thong and her fingers are inside of you and your nipple is in her mouth and she must have done this a thousand times because suddenly you can feel the pressure growing in your lower belly and you’re so close, so close.

Amanda

At the last second you decide to push her back against the couch and suck her clit through her pink silk panties. Watching her head lol back as she screams your name into the sofa cushions is enough of a reward for your ingenuity.

Karen

By the time you’ve finished seeing stars you realize that she’s gazing down on you like some twisted version of a Raphealite goddess, her bright red curls brushing against your breasts. She smiles as she languidly swirls her tongue around your left nipple.

If you weren’t still a little drunk and more than a little high off an amazing orgasm you’d say you were falling in love.

Amanda

She’s still squirming under you but somehow she manages to unzip your skirt and by the time she’s flipped you onto your back the skirt and your panties are on the floor.  She grins at you evilly as she places hot, wet kisses on your abdomen. Something about the look in her eyes makes your toes curl.

Karen

She’s waxed to barely there and it’s a new sensation for you, nuzzling her as she moans a little. You slip in three fingers easily and her hips buck up involuntarily. You move her thighs over your shoulders and by the time your tongue slips into her she’s already screaming loud enough to wake the dead.

Then she’s coming and when you glance up at her, her head thrown back, her breasts arching towards the ceiling, her skin flushed and rosy you realize that you’ve very rarely seen anything so beautiful.

Amanda

When you wake up the next morning you’re a little (but not very) surprised to see that Karen is gone. She had fallen asleep practically on top of you, her body molded against yours and her head tucked into the crook of your neck. It had felt right in ways you weren’t ready to address quite yet.

Not that it really matters now because she’s long gone.

Karen

At work Amanda doesn’t make eye contact with you.

For two weeks.

Maybe it was a shitty thing to do, leaving without waking her up. But too much of you had wanted to stay and that was more than you were ready to deal with. But somehow this is worse.

If she uses the word ‘regret,’ well that would be the worst.

Amanda

You finally talk, really talk, when you’re both naked in her bed after another company happy hour. She’s moaning as you rub your hip bone against her clit and roll her nipples between her fingers, when she’s almost there you whisper that you don’t want this to be just something you do when you’re drunk.

She keeps moaning but after she comes, when she’s still flushed and her pupils still dilated she whispers that ‘she wants more than that too,’

You’re sure nothing has ever sounded so sweet.

Karen

It isn’t until after that second round of amazing sex when you’re both sitting in oversized t-shirts at your coffee table drinking cokes that you realize that you’ve never actually kissed sober. When you mention this to her she laughs and says that you should rectify the situation immediately, especially to establish whether or not you have actual chemistry.

Amanda

It’s only seconds before her lips meet yours that you realize that this is the first time you’re actually going to make out with a girl and it’s seconds later that you realize that you should have done this years ago. Her lips are so unbelievably soft and pliant and her mouth is so sweet, you want more, more and then you’re drowning in her.  By the time you break the kiss, it’s because she’s got her hands up your t-shirt and the things she’s doing to you require that you let out at least a yelp.

Karen

So now you’ve got a toothbrush at her place and she’s got one at yours and luckily you’re both roughly the same size (although her breasts are deliciously larger and fuller than yours) so you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of a drawer. Slowly her stuff starts ending up at your place and vice versa but you still don’t talk about what it all means.

You’re in a relationship with no name and somehow it’s better this way.

Amanda

You love that you can go out and get mani-pedis and then drink cocktails at an upscale bar together….

Karen

….You love following her into the bathrooms of said upscale bars and making her come inside the handicapped stalls, you love the fact that she’s still got enough good Irish Catholic girl in her to be unable to come in public places, her little whimpers and repressed pants are the sexiest things you’ve ever heard. You usually have to make her come twice in those situations because once just isn’t enough.

Amanda

Karen has had a relationship with a woman before so all of this is more normal and less frightening for her. She doesn’t feel watched at all moments of the evening and when Karen leans in to kiss you across the table of a restaurant she’s unafraid of what everyone else is thinking.

Karen

You’ve been together for four months when you’re sitting on the sofa, her feet in your lap, watching 30 Rock when something Liz Lemon says makes you laugh so hard that you snort. She says that you’re adorable and a pauses for a moment before she tells you that she loves you.

When you look over she’s smiling a Mona Lisa smile but you know her well enough to realize that she’s dying inside waiting for you to say something, anything.

You realize that since she said it first, you’re going to have to make your response better.

Amanda

You can’t believe that you let it slip out that you love her, it’s too soon. But she looks like she wants to cry and that has to be a good thing right, especially since tough, ballsy Karen never cries. Instead, she takes your foot and places a tiny kiss on your big toe before sucking it into your mouth. You’re suddenly glad that all you’re wearing is some underwear and an old t-shirt.

Karen

It’s kind of adorable that she’s wearing a Donald Duck t-shirt when she tells you that she loves you. Of course the shirt has to come off for what you end up doing to her. And when she comes, her hands fisted in your hair, she tells you she loves you over and over again.

Amanda

So pretty much it’s fantastic until the first time you run into someone you know outside of work and your immediate circle of friends (they all know and love Karen) you struggle to introduce her but she’s smooth and she smiles. But the way she looks at you while you’re walking away makes you realize that everything isn’t all right.

You have your first real fight and your first make-up sex that night.

Karen

You buy her a puppy for Christmas, and it’s the link that binds the two of you together. you’ve been together for almost 7 months now and when she gives you a key to her place with a key chain that says ‘Karen and Amanda’s Apartment’ you try to make a joke about lesbian suburbia but you realize you’re too choked up to speak.

Amanda

You’re out together celebrating your one-year anniversary, you’ve really earned this one because now you’ve both come out to your parents and it finally feels real to be together.

There’s a cute couple a few tables over, the girl’s wearing a little black dress and her hair is too cutesy to be New York, the guy is terribly lanky with a big nose and shaggy hair but from the way the girl is looking at him you would think he’s Brad Pitt. They’re really cute and the way they’re holding hands and examining the sparkling ring on her finger makes it obvious that they’re very newly engaged. When you nudge Karen to turn around to look at the cute couple she goes a little pale. But then she looks back at you and smiles. She gets up wordlessly and walks over to them. They look shocked to see her and you suddenly realize that this maybe the infamous Jim and you start to feel awful for pointing them out but suddenly she’s hugging him awkwardly and shaking her hand, she points towards you and they both manage to cover their shock well.

When she comes back, she takes your hand in yours and tells you how happy she is that things worked out this way.

Karen

You get married on the rooftop of her fabulous building on a May morning, technically it isn’t legal but that doesn’t stop you from getting goosebumps when you see her walking down the aisle in a knee length slip dress, her curls glistening in the sunlight.

Amanda

You’ve never meant two words more than ‘I do.’ And when you kiss her you’re suddenly amazed that you ever worried about the fact that you’re both wearing such different dresses or that not everyone can sit down for dinner up here or the fact that cake that you wanted didn’t match your theme. You’re amazed that you ever thought that it wouldn’t be the world’s most perfect wedding because you’re marrying her and you love her so much that your heart hurts.

Karen

Later when you’re on the beach on your honeymoon, you kiss her between the shoulder blades as she lies on her stomach to tan her back. You realize that she’ll have to get out of the sun soon because otherwise she’ll be a lobster.

You think about all that’s happened in the past two years. How at some point long ago when he had broken your heart you thought briefly that you might never be happy again.

You’re so so so happy you were wrong.