They’re going on their first date and Pam can’t stop smiling. Ever since walking out of the conference room she’s been immersed in her own little bubble of happiness. Feeling lighter than she has in months, she puts the phone to voicemail and daydreams about what to wear later. She sneaks a peek over at Jim, but his back is to her of course and his body language gives no indication of what he’s thinking. She has a million questions, but she bites her tongue, hoping this time, this time, she’ll be able to get the answers.

At five after five he grabs his coat from the rack and leans over her desk. “I’ll pick you up at 6:30?” he questions. Pam nods earnestly (too earnestly she chides herself), and Jim nods without meeting her eyes. “Are we really doing this?” she asks him quietly. She can tell she’s caught him slightly off guard, he slowly lays his messenger bag on her desk as he fixes his jacket collar and for the first time all afternoon looks right at her. “This is it Beesley, speak now or forever hold your peace.” He says it seriously, but then he smiles and he’s goofy Jim again, stealing jelly beans off her desk as he heads toward the door with a wave.

Pam drives back to her apartment on auto-pilot but once she’s home she’s frantic. She changes her outfit four times finally settling on her favorite dark jeans, and a pink top. She burns her finger on the hair-straightener before finally deciding to weave her hair into big, loose curls. After getting dressed she straightens up her bedroom, then decides not to clean the rest of the house because it’s not like Jim’s going to see it tonight right? Five minutes later she picks up her tiny living room, and goes back to up to her bedroom to make it look less done. She pulls out a few of the watercolors she’s done this year, the ones she always wanted to show him, and arranges them on her shelves all the while mentally scolding herself for doing so.

By the time she sees the headlights of his car flash against the blinds of her townhouse, she’s so giddy, drunk with exhilaration that she can’t wait for him to walk up to her door and she practically skips out to the car. He leans against it, holding a bouquet of flowers in an awkward yet endearing way. “I didn’t know what you liked.” He offers, bashfully and with his cheeks slightly pink she knows he’s back. Standing before her is the Jim she’s known for ever and loved for almost as long.

She turns slightly, to go back to the house and put the flowers in water but he grabs her hand. “Let’s go, okay?” He says guiding her to the passenger seat and pulling out the door. Back in the driver’s seat he lays her flowers gently across the backseat before backing out and pulling away from her neighborhood. “Dwight as Regional Manager…I’m going to need all the gory details.” Pam laughs, “Oh where do I begin…”

They end up driving out of Scranton all together; into the next town over to some restaurant she’s never even heard of but likes immediately. It feels warm under the dim lights and the scent of wine seems to seep from within the wooden tables themselves. “How did you find this place?” she wonders aloud. Jim looks at her quickly with guarded, almost guilty eyes. With horror Pam thinks that he must have been here before with Karen and looking around at all the couples she wonders if this was their place. “I’ve never been here before actually.” He offers blushing slightly. “I spent most of the afternoon reading restaurant reviews…I wanted to find someplace we’d both never been before, someplace we could try together.”

“I know that I’ve been a jerk this year. I said some things to you, and I didn’t mean them. And I didn’t want to hurt you…but in a way I did. That night…the casino night you hurt me so much.”

“Jim, I…” 

He waves his hand dismissing her protest.  “I’m not saying that I was fair. And I’m not blaming you for anything that’s happened since. I think we both know we’ve made a lot of mistakes. I just want…I want to do this right, and that means telling you all the things I couldn’t tell you before. Please,” he says putting his hand over hers. “Just listen.”

“When I went to Stamford, it was because I didn’t want to be here ever again. I never again wanted to stand in that spot where I had kissed you and you rejected me. After that night I was so angry I couldn’t stand to be in that office for a single second more. I had to leave because I couldn’t keep coming back everyday knowing you were still there as perfect as you ever were and knowing that I would never have you.”

Pam bites her lip, willing herself not to interrupt. She doesn’t know where Jim is going with all of this. She’s all for them finally coming clean to each other; hell she’s the one who got it started on the beach. But if the matter-of-fact tone in his voice means that he’s just planning on opening old wounds so he can go to New York with a clear conscience, she’d rather order her pasta to go.

“I didn’t call you when I heard about the wedding because I wanted to forget you. I wanted to be over you Pam. I tried so hard but the thought of you just wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. I couldn’t get over you and I hated you for it. When I came back…I’d convinced myself that we’d never have a chance. I blamed that all on you and I was wrong.”

“It’s like I walked around all year thinking that at least I was the one who had at least tried to get it right. I thought that by telling you how I felt that night I had been the brave one. And it wasn’t until I got to New York that I realized that I hadn’t been brave at all, that when I told you that night that I was in love with you I did it knowing that if you rejected me I could leave. I’m not saying that’s why I told you, I’m just saying that the reason I just walked away from you is because I wasn’t being brave at all. I’ve been hiding from what happened that night ever since, first behind the transfer, and then behind my relationship with Karen, then behind the job interview after Beach Day. It was wrong of me to transfer without telling you and you deserved better from me as a friend. And as someone who wanted to be more than just your friend, I shouldn’t have just expected you to leave your fiancée in a heartbeat. It must have been really hard for you to call off the wedding and I should have been there for you.”

“I wish I could have been as brave as you were on Beach Day, but I wasn’t. After Casino night…I made a mistake trying to push you away. I was trying to convince myself that we’d never have a chance. I guess I’m just hoping that you won’t hold it against me.”

“What are you saying Jim? What do you want?” Pam says fighting to keep her voice even.

“I’m saying I want you. I want us to be together. I want everything, so I want you to finally know everything, good and bad. I think were about 4 years too far along for a fresh start but since you were honest with me…I’m still in love with you.”

Tears well up in her eyes but she fights them back. Four little words, sit on the tip of her tongue. Jim’s looking at her expectantly and she wonders if she should save them. She hesitates. An awkward silence begins to fall over the table as their waitress returns to take their order. Out of nowhere Pam practically shouts “Iloveyoutoo!” Jim is so surprised he nearly spits out his wine all over their waitress and the table and they’re laughing, laughing, and things are just how they’re supposed to be.

“God, Beesley you sure know how to ruin a moment.”

    Stopping in ladies room while Jim handles the check, Pam contemplates her reflection. She wonders if this will be their favorite restaurant now, where they’ll come back for birthdays and anniversaries. She wonders if Jim will tell her again tonight that he loves her. She wonders exactly what state of disarray she left her bedroom and what Jim would make of the stack of overdue Blockbuster movies (all chick-flicks) currently sitting on her nightstand. She wonders if someday she will tell their kids or grandkids about the first time they really said "I love you.” 

As they walk out of the restaurant Jim quickly slips his hand into hers, meeting her eyes for only a second before nervously looking away. Pam lets her fingers become intertwined with his as it occurs to her that she doesn’t know how to do this anymore. She remembers those first few moments with Roy, the first kisses and shy smiles and she remembers the easy comfort of being with him that came later, but she can’t seem to remember the in-between times.  Those moments when they were just figuring each other out, those awkward and tentative moments are just a blur. How is it that she and Jim, who have known each other for years, who love each other, still have to so much to get to know about one another? In another life she might have been anxious, but she looks up to find Jim’s eyes staring wide into hers. Smiling, she feels his hand squeeze hers gently, once, twice, three times, and he wordlessly he pulls her forward into the darkness.