The Working World, May, 2007

by Andy Bernard, blogmaster extraordinaire!

I guess I ought to start this "blog" thing with an introduction of where I am in my life now. And since I am currently single (working on it!), that pretty much means where I am in my career, so I'll start at the very beginning of that.

Well, I graduated from Cornell after only four years, May of 1995, and then it was time to get a job. So as soon as Mom and Dad threatened to kick me out of the house, I started getting a resumé together. It takes a while to create the perfect resumé, though - it needs a lot of work to make it sparkle. By the time we had to close up the pool for the winter, I had all the separate parts figured out, and I was ready to have Dad's secretary type it. I'm proud to say it only took a few months of back and forth with her to polish it up. By January, it was all set. Of course, I played up the Cornell angle. Who wouldn't?

Education was a no-brainer: "Graduated from Cornell University, the prestigious Ivy League University in Ithaca, New York, home of Cornell University." Dad thought I should stop after "Graduated from Cornell University," but I felt the rest of it really added something. Dad's secretary told me I was right, and she was the one typing it, so we won, and Dad lost. It was funny, because before that, I always thought Dad's secretary didn't like me, but she was sure in my corner during that little scuffle. Score! It really helps to be in tight with the ladies. Even the old ones - you never know when they can come in handy.

For hobbies, I only put the most important things: "Sang Tenor in the a cappella group ‘Here Comes Treble' at Cornell University, Ithaca New York, home of Cornell University; sang Tenor in the Cornell Alumni Federation a cappella group ‘There Goes Treble' associated with Cornell University, Ithaca, New York, home of Cornell University." Again, Dad wanted to cut out the most important things, but his secretary did it just the way I wanted it; she didn't even tell Dad. I totally had her in my pocket!

What was that secretary's name? Susan, or Michelle, or...well, it doesn't even matter anyway: I always called her Little Tapioca, because she had tapioca pudding one of the times I went to visit Dad to borrow money for booze. (He thought it was for books. Not likely! You can't impress college girls with books. Even with booze, it was pretty tough.)

Anyway, blog bros, Little Tapioca was a big help on that resumé, I can tell you. I should probably thank her some time. I wonder if she ever found a job after that big layoff. Oh, well.

So, that's it! With a resumé like that, you can imagine I got a job in no time. By August, I was working for my Dad's old college buddy and sailing crony, Roger. Roger and Dad were really close: they played poker every week, and Dad helped Roger with a loan so his boat wasn't taken away. Roger the Dodger, I called him. Well, that was later. To begin with, I called him Mr. Sullivan, and he seemed like a pretty cool guy who "got" me. It turned out, though, that he was sort of a douche. But that whole experience was a lesson in learning when to say sayonara. So that's what I did, and I cleverly managed to parlay-vous-Français that two-year work experience into the next two-year work experience, and then the next.

And you know, I was always learning, with every job. I was tenacious, using my superior brain power to stay at each job longer than the prior job. Now I'm like a barnacle that can't be scraped off! Case in point, my current tenure at Dunder Mifflin, Stamford is three years and five months, so...case made.

That's right, Dunder Mifflin, Stamford. Where the men are men and the women are into me. Do you like that? I made that up. I mean, the phrase I made up, but it's a great way to say the truth, isn't it?

So I'm still learning, and improving, all the time. I'm not sure how much more I can improve; I can only give it the old Cornell try. But at this point, I've accumulated so much knowledge about the working world that I realized I had to make a list. Lists have gotten me where I am today. So, here it is, webfriends.

Andrew Bernard's Working List

• Suck up to the boss. Okay, lots of people know that one, so I probably don't have to say more about it.

• Make sure everyone respects you, and if they mess with you, get them back. This one time, at a prior place of employment (2 years, 2 months), a guy told me there was an important meeting across town, and that I had to bring the donuts. When I got there, it turned out that they were mad that I brought donuts, because it was actually a Weight Watchers' meeting. I ripped into that guy when I got back to work. He knew then that I was nobody he should mess with, because he never did it again. Every time I'd see him after that, his buddies would be laughing. That guy was pitiful. I don't even think he knew they were laughing at him. Loser!

• People do things for you when they think you like them, and if you make up nicknames for people, they automatically think that you like them. That works like two-fifths of the time. Sometimes it's hard to think up the right name, so I have a little list of possibilities to help with nicknames: Foods, Funny Physical Differences, Clothes, Marital Status, Living Situation. The list helps when you start at a new place. Like that last job - it was a pretty big office, so making friends quickly (well, pretending to make friends) was important. I wonder whatever happened to Unibrow, Singlemom, LivesatHome, and Little Sushi. Oh, well, it doesn't matter. I have new friends now.

• When someone's in your way, point out their weaknesses in an amusing way to the boss. Like if they're sick a lot, call them Old Never Here and be sure to use air quotes when you use the word "sick." If they don't have any weaknesses to exploit, plant some evidence of wrongdoing to get them into trouble. Some people would say that's cheating, but do they have Cornell diplomas on their wall? Doubtful! Only sabotage other dudes, though. If you get a chick fired, you're way less likely to convince her to sleep with you. That was something I learned the hard way. Plus she'll tell all the other chicks about it, and you will never get laid. I had to leave that job.

• Keep a little Jägermeister in your desk drawer. What may slip when Jägermeister is involved? Perhaps an office secret? Perhaps a lady's virtue? Indeed, a touch of the Jäger in the right place at the right time has caused both of those to be compromised. For one thing, I recently learned that a certain position is opening up, one Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin, Stamford. You know that has "Andrew Bernard" written all over it. And, as for the ladyfolk, well, I learned long ago not to talk about a lady's virtue, or lack thereof. It was sort of court-ordered, really. Suffice it to say that the elixir Jägermeister helped me discover that a certain "so called" lady was really a tiger. Or should I say, a tigress...because tigers are dudes, and Andy Bernard is all about the ladies.

• Some people say you shouldn't date someone at work. I say, just make sure it's the right someone. When wooing a lady at work, make sure to hitch your wagon to a rising star. But not rising too fast or she'll leave you behind. After a few false starts, I'm pretty sure I found my star now. Her name is Karen, and she sits two seats to my rear. I'm pretty sure she likes sitting at my rear, if you know what I mean, and I don't mind telling you that she's Diane to my Sam; we've got that crazy sexual tension thing going on. I know that she's going to cave again sometime (see Jägermeister, above); I'm just waiting her out, giving her time to figure out that she wants me. (Did you see that I said "again?") Mark my words, Karen and I will give in to that tension and get our Cheers on. Of course, none of that got Sam Malone anywhere: he started as a bar owner, and finished as a bar owner, but...Sam I am...not. So for me, it could totally work.

That's the list. Maybe I'll publish it on paper someday, so other people can benefit from it besides just you blogfans. Make sure if you quote from it, you give credit where credit is due: Andrew Bernard, Class of 1996, Cornell University, the prestigious Ivy League University in Ithaca, New York, home of Cornell University. (Go, Big Red!)