September 7, 2010

“You’re home!” Jim exclaimed in surprise as he walked through the front door, two large paper grocery bags in his arms.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Pam asked. She felt like she was always home these days. Taking care of Amelia, playing with Amelia, cleaning up after Amelia, and most of all, just generally not working…

“I just thought I remembered you saying something about taking Amelia to the park today.” he replied.

…Taking Amelia places…

“We went earlier this afternoon.” she said quietly, taking the bags of groceries from Jim before he quickly crossed into the living room to Amelia’s crib where she had been lying asleep for the past hour.

“She’s…” Pam started to argue, but before she could stop Jim from waking the sleeping baby, he had her in his arms and Pam could already hear the soft mewing from Amelia that would no doubt turn into ear-splitting screeches that she had heard one too many times.

She shook her head. If he started it, he could take care of it. As far as she was concerned, she was done taking care of the baby for the day, it was his turn now.

“So how did Miss Melia like the park?” he asked as he bounced her gently in his arms and joined Pam in the kitchen as she rifled through the paper bags, making sure that he had gotten everything she had asked for.

Amelia yawned audibly and Pam laughed softly – her sentiments exactly.

“Well, she had a total ball playing with a leaf that she found on the ground.” Pam said, sorting food out on the counter in accord of whether they belonged in the refrigerator or the pantry cupboards.

“You didn’t push her on the swings?” he asked, pouting at the little girl as she grinned a wide, toothless smile.

“We weren’t anywhere near the swings.” she replied. “I just took her to a clearing where I could draw and we had lunch.”

“Oh.” he said nodding.

“But anyway, I think that she might be entering her teething stage.” she said, moving onto the second bag.

“My little Mia Melia is teething?” he asked excitedly, grinning back at his daughter.

“And that is the most exciting moment of my day.” she mumbled quietly as she pulled a head of lettuce from the bag and set it next to a few items that needed to be refrigerated.

She wondered how her life had turned into what it had. Before she moved to New York and before she had met Jim, she had been trapped in the life of a domestic housewife. She figured that when she moved to the city that she wouldn’t have to worry about that life anymore. Yet somehow, here she was, standing in the kitchen of her home that she barely left anymore because of a baby. She was still on a maternity leave because she couldn’t stand to put her child in daycare or hire a nanny full time. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Amelia or Jim – the two of them were her entire life – unfortunately, she couldn’t help but feel like she had completely fallen back into the role of a domestic housewife. And sure, she liked some aspects of it. She did enjoy being a mother and even though Amelia wasn’t able to talk or walk, Pam loved to play with her. She also liked that her life wasn’t controlled by clocks and deadlines like it was at work. However, she needed her life to be more than a mother and a homemaker. She didn’t want that life five years ago in Pennsylvania and she certainly didn’t want it now; it just wasn’t her.

“So don’t be surprised if Amelia starts getting a little cranky.” she said. “But I have a teething ring for her that I need to run through the dishwasher, so hopefully that will help.”

She tuned out the couple of high-pitched utterances that Jim cooed towards Amelia and she continued to dig to the bottom of the bag where he hand wrapped around something square and plastic.

“What the…” she said quietly as she withdrew the strange object from the bag and her eyes widened when she saw what she was holding.

“Condoms?” she asked, holding up the box wrapped in a plastic bag to keep the cardboard from getting wet from the fresh vegetables.

“What?” he asked, turning his attention back towards Pam and he bit his lip and nodded.

“When have we ever used condoms?” she asked, setting them aside on the countertop.

“I just…” he replied carefully. “You’re still breastfeeding Amelia from time to time and every medical professional says not to take birth control while breastfeeding and…well…”

“You don’t want any more children?” she asked. She didn’t know why she asked it because she knew for certain that she didn’t want any more children any time soon.

“It’s…I’m happy right now.” he replied, hoping his reply was a safe one.

She stared at the box of condoms on the counter. She really could not remember the last time they had used them.

“But…really?” she asked. She already knew that she was going to make a bigger deal of this than she should.

“Do you want another baby?” he asked and as soon as he had said it, he worried that it had sounded completely different than he had intended it to.

Her mind screamed, ‘No! No!’ but she simply shrugged in response.

He took a deep breath and quickly secured Amelia in her high chair on the other side of the kitchen counter before returning to Pam’s side. He rubbed his eyes and dragged his hands down the side of his face and stared at her as if he was expecting her to say something.

“What?” she asked expectantly.

“Should we talk about this now?” he asked in reply.

“About what?” she replied. “Another baby?”

He nodded, “I figured that we would wait a couple of years to be honest. That’s why I bought…” he nodded towards the condoms, still sitting in their plastic bag next to the sink. “I just didn’t think that you would…well, I’m kind of surprised that you seem so shocked by them.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head, “you’re right. You’re totally right.”

“About…” he began. “The condoms or the baby?”

“Both.” she said, as she started to gather a few items that needed refrigeration into her arms.

“Okay,” he said, nodding, “because I really want us to be on the same page with this one.”

“We are.” she lied. Yes, it was true that she didn’t want any more children for another two years – at least, and she could get on board with the idea of using condoms again but there was more – a lot more – egging at her than just those two matters.

However, Jim was content with her answer and he grinned. Pam assumed that he was pleased with himself and she continued to put the groceries away while he walked to the other side of the counter and lifted Amelia from her chair and he took her into the living room to play.

‘At least he’s involved…’ she thought. Things could be worse.

***

Amelia had fallen asleep, she had brushed her teeth, Jim was in bed waiting for her, but all of the little complexities of her stay-at-home life that had bottled up in the past few weeks were dangerously close to the tipping point.

She walked through the door of the bedroom and smiled weakly at the sight of Jim sitting in bed reading. She hoped that she could get through the next hour or so that it would take for her to fall asleep without starting a fight. She didn’t want to start heated discussions or arguments now.

“Hey.” Jim said, tossing her the unopened box of condoms. He winked at her in the worst possible way and Pam couldn’t help but giggle.

She set the box down on the nightstand and climbed under the covers, not giving sex a second thought as she turned off the light next to her.

“You know, those aren’t just for display.” he said in a voice that was both joking but a little nervous.

“I’m sorry, Jim.” she said quietly as she closed her eyes.

“Oh.” he said, nodding and she could sense the hurt in his voice.

She wanted to groan in frustration. She was tired, she just wanted to sleep. Most of all though, she wanted her old life back.

“I’m sorry.” she said, opening her eyes again and sitting up to face him. “I just…did you think that things were going to turn out like this?”

“Like what?” he asked.

“Did you ever picture me as the stay-at-home mom?” she asked. “When you married me, or when we started to try and have children…did you ever picture me as the kind of woman that would stay home with a child all day long?”

He shrugged, “I guess I never really gave it that much thought.”

“Yeah, me neither.” she said with a nod.

“But you’re happy, right?” he asked hopefully. She shrugged this time and his face completely fell. “You’re…not happy?” He didn’t want to ask it, and he felt like he was walking over a field of active land mines as he did.

“No, I’m happy.” she replied. “I guess. It’s just…this is not what I pictured my life to be like when I moved here.”

She looked ahead and caught a glimpse of the charcoal and watercolor image that she had created of the Louvre several years ago. Now it was surrounded by smaller, framed images that she had created since. The images were of places far less glamorous than Paris and the Louvre. Instead she had drawn images of different locations in Central Park. There was even a small image that she had painted of The Golden Beet before she quit working there. At the time, she had every intention of giving the painting to Dwight, but after she had finished with it, she realized she was too attached with it to let it go.

Truth of the matter was, her life was far less glamorous than she thought it would be – not that she had ever expected to have a truly glamorous life. However, with all the traveling that Jim did for work, she naturally assumed that she would join him on many of those trips. Truthfully though, she really hadn’t joined him on many of his business endeavors and she was often left at home – especially now. She didn’t even know what would happen if he got called away on business now that Amelia was in their lives. At least at this point, Jim was able to take care of the baby in the evenings. A whole week with a baby and no one else to help her out? She wasn’t quite sure how she could handle that.

“How much money do we have?” she asked suddenly.

“How much…” he replied. “I guess…I don’t know. Enough?”

“Do we have enough to hire a nanny?” she asked.

His eyes widened and he opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but nothing came out.

“I just think that maybe things would be easier if we had a nanny.” she said when he didn’t answer.

“But you’re doing a great job on your own.” he said, a little bit against his better judgment.

She didn’t immediately reply and instead her gaze went back to the pictures hanging around their bedroom. Her paintings, her drawings, even some of her illustrations.

“I want to go back to work.” she said quietly.

“You…do?” he asked.

She nodded, “I can only do so much with Amelia around all the time. I realize that the office with Phyllis and Andy might not be the quietest place to be or even the most productive, but I can tell you that it’s a lot easier to tune out Andy’s singing than it is to tune out Amelia’s crying.”

“What about when Andy cries?” he teased.

“Jim.” she said seriously.

“Okay.” he said. “Yes, we have enough money that we could hire a part-time nanny.”

Pam grinned, “Really?”

“Yes,” he said, “but are you sure you want to throw yourself back into the work environment just like that?”

“I wouldn’t go back full time.” she said quietly. “I’d probably just work in the mornings or afternoons.” As much as she wanted some time away from the baby, she wasn’t sure how well she could actually handle jumping right back into forty hour weeks.

Jim nodded along in agreement, “I think it’s a good idea.”

“Yeah?” she asked hopefully.

“Yeah.” he replied. “Especially if it makes you feel a little bit better.”

“Thanks.” she said with a wide smile. She leaned against his shoulder and closed her eyes. His hand sought out hers and he kissed her at the corner of her mouth. “You’re the best husband ever.”