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Story Notes:

*This was originally up to 23 chapters with the end way far into the future and I decided to go back to my instincts and leave this as a one shot.

 

This is written in the head of Jim Halpert.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

“Bye Pam”

“Bye Jim”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Two weeks later…, Jim was sliding his finger under the flap of an envelope.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

What’s this?

Pam?

A CD?

A letter, I don’t know if I can take this. I shouldn’t read it. I should take this whole thing and just throw it away.

No.

I can’t.

Maybe I’ll just read the letter and not listen to the CD, or maybe just listen to the CD. I don’t know if I can handle seeing her handwriting.

What if it’s her voice on the CD though, no she wouldn’t record herself talking, would she?

No, I already know that answer.

Oh man, I’m so exhausted I can’t handle this.

She’s just going to apologize; she’s just going to say she was sorry for hurting my feelings or something friendly like that.

Damn it, friendly!

Why are my fingers shaking? This is ridiculous; just suck it up man open the letter. You’re miles away don’t let her get to you anymore.

She did sound happy on the phone, better almost.

Man…I miss her.

Stop it. Stop loving a woman who doesn’t love you. What am I a moron? I never thought I was a moron, another thing Pam’s done for me, turned me into a moron.

I wonder if she misses me.

Maybe she thinks about me, does she look at my desk still? Maybe she stares at it.

No, nooo. What am I… no she’s fine, she never did that before. No.

I miss her.

Ok I’m just going to read the first sentence and then if it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be good I’ll stop. Plus I won’t listen to the CD but I’ll just set it on my desk or here by my CD player, just in case.

Maybe one night I’ll be bored, or something.

Mmmm, the paper smells like her.

Oh geez, I can’t believe I just smelled a piece of paper, I’m turning into a girl.

First a moron, now a girl, great.

I wonder if the envelope smells like her too, no, oh well.

WHAT! I just smelled the envelope. Damn it! Why can’t both sides of my brain talk to each other here, communicate!

Ok, well here it goes.

Ah, she wrote it in pink.

Pink.

She always looked so good in pink, it made her lips brighter, and her cheeks flush. That one cardigan she would wear, she looked so…beautiful.

I can’t believe she never saw me staring at her. Wow, she was either really oblivious or I was stealthier than I thought.

I miss her.

Ok, concentrate read the letter here, it’s from the woman you love, who rejected you.

Oh like now I want to read it.

This chair isn’t really comfortable, maybe I’ll just lay on my bed. This might be bed time reading, maybe.

Well at least I’ll be more comfortable when she pulls my heart out of my chest and stabs uncurled paper clips deep into the muscle.

Paperclips? Is that the best torture tool I could think of?

I remember that time we threw paperclips into Dwight’s cup, she always had a full box of them at her desk. I wonder if she had a stash of them in one of her drawers.

Ok enough. Sit down, lean back and just read the letter, this is no big deal. If I don’t like it then forget it I just won’t respond, maybe she’ll think it got lost in the mail, maybe she’ll think I never saw it, yea I’ll just pretend.

I’ll just continue to pretend, I have lots of practice with that.

Dear Jim…oh damn, my heart’s already breaking. Why couldn’t she have just put Jim or Halpert, or Jim Halpert or Hello! Why dear?

Ok, Dear Jim,

 

I miss you.

She misses me!

Ok wait, I was her best friend, she probably just misses our friendship, that I accidentally misinterpreted, son of a …

I miss you more then those three words can convey.

 

Oh god, I think, oh geez I can’t breathe. Phew I think, um, I need a drink. Yes, water.

Ok, suck it up, inhale, it’s not that hard. That’s what she said, shit Michael!

I’m sorry, for a lot of things I said.

 

I wonder if she means I didn’t misinterpret, no maybe she’s just apologizing for saying she was going to marry Roy, or wait…why is she sorry?

I was scared. I was nervous. You were standing in front of me telling me the words I’d longed to hear.

 

Longed? Wait read it again…

telling me the words I’d longed to hear.

 

Yes she said longed. Wow.

But as I stood there hearing you say it I got ‘cold feet’.

 

Ok, so I creeped her out, maybe I should’ve never said it.

I was afraid of losing you, which in hindsight seems silly because now I’ve truly lost you.

 

You never lost me, wow you have no idea, all you have to do is say the word. Maybe I should call her.

Since I never spoke the words that were in my heart, I lost you. And I’d really like to have you back.

 

Oh, yes, I’ll be calling her.

I’m in love with you Jim Halpert.

……uh

I’m in love with you Jim Halpert.

 

Close your mouth. I’m sure I look like a fool.

Wait just one more time.

I’m in love with you Jim Halpert.

 

Oh my, oh, uh she’s. This is nice.

I don’t know if I can go through these empty days without you any longer. I thought I could be strong, I thought that maybe this is how it should be… but then you called.

 

Yeah, that call ruined the façade I’d built. That night and every day after I haven’t been able to stop hearing her laugh, and she feels it too. Yes.

I heard your voice, I heard you laugh.

 

You called me Beesly.

 

I made fun of her kitchen, and called her Fancy and New.

So I came home and I decided that I needed to stop being so scared, that I needed to tell you the truth.

 

I’m so glad you did. Who am I talking to? She’s not here dummy.

She should be.

As you can see however, I’m still a little nervous about the whole thing that’s why I wrote it, instead of calling. I was afraid if I heard your voice again that I would get choked up and not be able to say what I’d wanted to say.

 

My Pam.

On my way home that night I heard this song on the radio. It’s what’s on the CD. It pretty much explains what I’m going through right now.

 

Oh the CD! Damn it where did I put it?

Oh here! Ok don’t drop it just set it, there now…play.

I can take the rain
On the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
And I just let ‘em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

 

She feels, just like I do.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

 

It’s hard to deal with the pain
Of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away
All the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

 

Not seein’ that lovin’ you
That’s what I was trying to do

 

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

 

I love this song.

And I hate country!

I miss you Jim, I miss you so much that every day it feels like my heart is in a vice grip. When I have to sit across from your old desk, and you’re not there anymore, it hurts. It hurts more and more everyday you’re gone.

 

Oh my god! She does stare! Whoa, I wonder if she can read my thoughts.

Hello?

Wait I was already holding this when I thought about that, duh.

I know I pushed you away, I know I told you, you misinterpreted but I lied. You’ve known me for years, you could see it too, you knew, I loved you but I was too scared.

 

Whoa, she did it again.

She’s too much, she’s perfect, and she’s mine.

Well here I am exposing my heart, giving you everything I can offer; I just hope it’s not too late.

 

If she had waited and sent this 5 years from now it wouldn’t be too late.

With all my heart, and all my love,

 

Pam

Where’s my cell. Damn it where did I…there.

Ok dial slowly, don’t mess up, it’s not like anything important depends on it, like your HAPPINESS!

Oh god it’s ringing, ok just breathe, one ring…two rings, wait what time is it, maybe she’s

“Hello?”

 

“Pam?”

 

“Jim?”

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
This song is by Rascal Flatts and it's their single "What Hurts the Most"


dmscranton is the author of 11 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 20 members. Members who liked What Hurts The Most also liked 2585 other stories.
This story is part of the series, Ruminations. The next story in the series is Carpe Diem.

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