The Perils of Polygamy

By Jody E.

Jim: Wh...What’s happening? Where am I?

Voice 1: (whispering) He’s coming to.

Voice 2: Well, be careful. We don’t want to frighten him.

Voice 3: I’ll speak to him.

Voice 2: Why you?

Voice 3: This whole thing was my idea, remember?

Voice 1: let her talk to him.

Voice 2: Okay.

Voice 4: (from outside the door) What about the rest of us?

Voice 1: You all stay in the other room. We don’t want to overwhelm him. Remember the plan.

Voice 4: it’s a stupid plan!

Jim: Hey! What’s going on? Who are you people?

Voice 3: (to others) Now see what you’ve done? He’s all stressed out! Hi, Jim. Just relax. Nobody is going to hurt you.

Jim: Where am I? And why did you call me Jim? Is that my name?

Voice 1: Oh no. I was afraid of that. The witchdoctor said he might experience some temporary amnesia.

Jim: Which doctor? Am I sick?

Voice 3: Shut up about the "you know who" …you idiot!

Voice 1: Don’t call me an idiot!

Voice 2: let me handle this. Jim. It’s okay. You’re just suffering from a little amnesia. We’ll tell you everything you need to know.

Voice 4: How about US?

Voice 2: In due time. We’ll all get our turn.

Jim: who am I? And what am I doing here?

Voice 1: Okay. Your name is Jim Halpert and you are a paper salesman for a mid sized paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Jim: A paper salesman? Really?

Voice 2: You sound disappointed.

Jim: Well, I am…a little. Somehow I expected to be more than that.

Voice1: Oh but you are.

Voice 2: So much more than that!

Voice 3: That’s why we rescued you.

Voice 4: We love you.

(Chorus of voices outside the door) WE LOVE YOU!

Jim: What did you rescue me from?

Voice 2: Why, the life of a paper salesman in Scranton, Pennsylvania. You deserve so much more than that.

Jim: But how do you know me?

Voice 3: Why from television. You’re famous. There was a documentary about your paper company. And we saw that you were miserable and so…we rescued you.

Jim: What was the company called?

Voice 2: Dunder Mifflin.

Jim: (shaking his head) Wait a minute. It’s all starting to come back. Was my boss named Michael?

Voice 1: Yes, that’s right. It was an awful place...very stifling for a man of your intelligence and creativity.

Jim: Shh...Let me think. Wait, wasn’t there a girl? P...something. Pam?

Voice 1: Oh…her. Forget her. She’s history.

Jim: What do you mean, history?

Voice 3: I hate to break it to you like this but she married that warehouse guy, Roy. You’re better off without her.

Voice 2: She wasn’t good enough for you anyway.

Jim: But that’s not right. I remember. I told her I loved her. I kissed her. And she kissed me back.

Voice 1: We know.

Voice 2: We saw it. And believe me, we were all rooting for you two kids to make it.

Voice 3: But it was too little, too late.

Jim: What do you mean, too little too late..and how the hell did you all see the kiss?

Voice 3: It was on TV, we told you. Try to keep up.

Voice 4: You blew it! You shoulda told her on the Booze Cruise!

Voice 1: Will you be quiet out there?

Jim: What’s this about the Booze cruise?

Voice 3: You should have told her then, on the deck. Before Roy set the date for the wedding.

Jim: You saw that too?

Voice2: That was your big chance, Jim, and you blew it. All you managed was 27 seconds of silence.

Jim: Wait...you counted the seconds?

Voice 3: Every one. You broke our hearts that night.

Voice 1: That’s why we wanted Pam to break her engagement. But she didn’t.

Voice 2: And you were so sad.

Jim: What about my trip to Australia?

Voice 2: It did nothing but rain. You just sat in your hotel room for two weeks. It was pathetic.

Voice 4: We had to do something!

Jim: But where did all you ladies come from?

Voice 3: I’m from New Jersey.

Voice 2: we’re from all over the United States.

Voice from outside: I’m from London!

Another voice from outside: I came all the way from Australia. I haven’t even seen season 3 yet! I just read the spoilers! And never go to Sydney in June, you git! It’s bloody miserable!

Jim: And where am I now? What is this room, and why is it rocking?

Voice 1: You’re in a cabin on the Lake Wallenpaupack Princess.

Jim: The boat? We’re out on Lake Wallenpaupack?

Voice 3: Well, no. Actually we’re on the Great Salt Lake.

Voice 2: And if you think it was easy getting this tub all the way to Utah…let me tell you...

Jim: Utah? We’re in Utah? Why?

Voice 1: Duh. Well, it was the only place we could have the ceremony.

Jim: What ceremony?

Voice 3: The wedding, obviously.

Jim: What wedding? Who got married?

Voice 4: We did!

Chorus of voices: We all did!

Jim: Uh…to whom?

Voice 1: To you. Who else?

Chorus: To you! We love you!

Jim: Wha...but.... c’mon, this is ridiculous! I don’t remember any wedding.

Voice 3: Well, you weren’t 100 percent conscious, as such.

Voice 2: We had to prop you up.

Voice 4: But you did say your vows.

Voice 2: loud and clear. We have witnesses.

Chorus: That’s right. We were all there. And we have it on video!

Jim: who would perform such a ridiculous ceremony?

Voice 1: Captain Jack of course. He has the right as captain of the ship.

Jim: And he didn’t notice that I was...unconcious?

Voice 3: He was kind of pre-occupied. He was in a hurry to get the limbo contest started.

Voice 4: Which I won, by the way.

Chorus: Nobody cares, Shroom!

Jim: Was I drugged? You drugged me, didn’t you!

Voice 1: Just a little Ambien.

Voice 2: And, uh…a potion.

Jim: Who are you people! I demand to know who you are!

Voice 1: Well, of course. I’m your wife. My name is Liberrylady. That’s berry not brery.

Voice 2: I’m your wife, Pixel.

Voice 3: Jodithgrace. Pleased to meet you. Hubby.

Voice 4: I’m Shroom.

Voice 5: Boof!

Voice 6: Sicokitty.

Jim: Wait...those aren’t even real names!

Jodithgrace: Well, we’re hardly going to give you our real names. Some of us have husbands at home.

Pixel: Okay everybody….let’s save the rest of the introductions for later. Right now we’d better work out a schedule.

Jim: What kind of schedule?

Boof: Why, for conjugal visits, of course.

Shroom: That’s the best part.

Liberrylady: You’ll never be lonely again!

Jodithgrace: I think he should start with the oldest of us and work down.

Boof: How about alphabetical order?

Sicokitty: Sure...that works for YOU!

Jim : WAIT A MINUTE! Wait just one minute! I’m not having sex with any of you! I’m in love with Pam!

Jodithgrace: Sigh. I was afraid he was going to say that.

Pixel: Well, that is what we love about him.

Liberrylady: So, what are we going to do?

Voice from outside: We could drug him again.

Jodithgrace: Absolutely not! We’ll just have to keep him here and he will learn to love us.

Liberrylady: It might take years.

Shroom: It’s a big lake. We’ll just go round, and around and…

Jim: HELP! HEEELLLLPPP!

Voice in the dark: Jim! Jim! Wake up! You were screaming in your sleep!

Jim: Wha...where am I? Pam?

Pam: Of course, silly. You were having a nightmare.

Jim: Oh my god, Pam it was awful. There were all these women, and they had me captive on a boat…the booze cruise, and they said we were married.

Pam: We ARE married.

Jim: You and I? Oh…that’s such a relief. No...They said I had lost you for good.

Pam: No, honey. I’m right here.

Jim: Oh Pam, I love you.

Pam: And I love you.

Jim: Wait…why is our bed rocking?

Pam: Oh…that’s just the boat, honey. Wasn’t it nice? The ladies said I could have the first night!

The End