Jon could feel the bile build up in his throat. He gagged forward, forcing it down and gulping hard. He never knew he could be so disgusted by this. It should be a sin to be forced to hear how your parents hooked up, but the trouble with Ben's coach had brought questions and Ben had to just insist on asking.

"So wait, you like... totally moved in on Mom while she was dating Coach Red-blotch?" Ben chuckled, and Jon watched his mother's cheeks turn red and then she gave his father that look, like, do something.

Jim pursed his lips and shook his head. "Nope. No...that's...that's not what happened. It's complicated, Ben. What I am worried about is Roy doing that to you because he has some sort of issue with me. What happened with us has nothing to do with you and I don't expect you boys to understand because well, you're kids. "

'Well now... that's condescending," Jon muttered as he ran his hand through his dark hair and gave a smug grin.  "I'm seventeen. I'm almost legal. I'm adult, sorta."

His face was mirrored by his father's. "That might be true Jonathan, but as long as your Mother has to wash your clothes and get you up in the morning...you will still be a child to us."

"Wait, can we get back to the part where you stole another man's woman?" Ben interjected with enthusiasm, causing Pam to glare at him.

His mother was not happy with the conversation so far. Jon guessed it was because it was about her past, one she failed to mention on purpose for whatever reason. "That is not what happened! Your father was my best friend, we told you both that!"

"You left out the part where you were engaged," Ben replied back. "I'm just saying."

"Look boys, we know we're guilty of spinning this fairy tale love to you guys, maybe because we wanted to protect you. Or maybe because it sorta felt that way when we were finally together, but yes, the fact is your mother... was indeed engaged to Coach-"

"Red blotch."

"Stop calling him that!" Pam hissed and Ben shrunk back.

Jim sighed. "As blotchy as he may be, your mother is right. It's not nice. Your mom and I don't want our past to affect you playing ball or not. So I'm definitely going to talk to Roy- Coach Anderson."

"Maybe I should talk to him?" Pam replied and the boys watched as their father shook his head.

"Uh...no."

"This isn't a macho thing. These are my boys and Roy's also doing this to spite me."

"I don't want you to go."

"This isn't a pissing contest. I don't want you going in there and there's just a bunch of testosterone in the room. It won't solve anything."

Jon snorted. "You should have had girls. None of this would have been a problem."

As Pam and Jim sighed, Ben inserted himself in the conversation. "But seriously, you like banged his girlfriend! No wonder he hates me!"

At this, Jon gagged again, this time audibly and his father looked oddly at him. "He doesn't hate you Ben. Hey, Jon? Something wrong?"

"I don't want to hear the word 'Mom' and 'bang' in the same sentence. And do we have to have this conversation with DJ and Kurt here?" He waved off towards the kitchen where his two friends stood gaping at the family gathering in the breakfast nook.

Dwight Junior and Kurt waved shyly from breakfast bar as Jim and Pam turned around, obviously forgetting they were there.

Kurt cleared his throat. "Don't worry, this is way more juicy than how Mother tells it. In her version of your love story, there are consequences of STDs and damnation."

Ben cracked up laughing as Jim's eyes widened and he turned to back to the table. He looked squarely at Jon. "Um... I'm sorry, why...are they here?"

"Science project," Jon answered. Okay not true...they were going to hang out as soon as this stupid family meeting was over. If it was ever over.

Jim and Pam squinted their eyes at Jon. "You don't take science this semester."

"Extra credit..."

His father wasn't buying it. He sat back, and folded his long arms, looking intensely at Jon. A scare tactic no doubt.  "Do...I'm sorry, do you think we were born yesterday? I have a license...if you need to-"

"Are you on drugs?! Is that what this is about?" Pam asked worrily as Jim gave him another patented Halpert look.

Jon threw up his hands. "Oh my god! Deflection! Can we focus back on your past lives coming back to haunt us?!"

Ben had ignored most of the exchange, instead he chewed on his nail as if contemplating his next silly question, and then asked, "Did you guys fight over Mom?"

Jim looked over to Pam and she dropped her eyes down. He cleared his throat. "I mean, a punch might have been thrown...once. But it wasn't like a full on brawl or any-"

"Did you kick his ass?"

"Ben, language!" Pam exclaimed.

They were interrupted by someone clearing their throat. "If I may interject Mr. and Mrs. Halpert, my father has regalled me with the stories of the darker days of Dunder Mifflin. He did tell me he had to step in and save you when her burly beau came charging at you. If I recall he said he thought of using ninja stars to subdue him-"

"Kurt, do you need to call you mom for a ride home?" Jim asked quietly.

"No, thank you. We're having a blast here. And I'm DJ, not Kurt. It's okay though, being identical twins and all, I can understand your confusion." The teenager said happily.

Jon shook his head as Jim turned back slowly to him. "Look this is it fellas. Mom had a life before she met me. She met a guy in high school, fell in love, got engaged and started working at Dunder Mifflin. She met me, we became friends and after some years, we started liking each other. Mom realized she was making a mistake, Roy wasn't the guy for her and she married me. We had you two and now as punishment, we are forced to explain our love lives to you. Got it? Now, did you two do your homework?"

"Basically you're saying high school sweethearts are full of crap?" Jon replied. "And I should break up with Julie before she changes her mind about me."

"I'm not...saying that at all. I mean you're going to have relationships. Meet different people. Feelings change, people change," Jim explained.

"And your dad dumped his girlfriend in the middle of New York for me." Pam shrugged and Jim dropped his head into his hands.

"Whoa!" Ben exclaimed.

Jon pushed forward in the chair. "What?! When did you guys find time to sell paper between all this drama?"

Jim gave a sheepish smile. "We found bits of time between then to do our jobs, I guess."

"See Kurt, told ya if we stayed it'll get interesting." Dj replied and Kurt nodded in agreement.

"That's not... Pam, why would you-" Jim became flustered and Pam just looked at him.

"Because I'm not having my sons think I'm some sort of a hussy."

Kurt cleared his throat. "So, wait, you were wearing green when all this happened?"

DJ elbowed him. "We're supposed to not be seen or heard."

Jim gave a nervous laugh. "Okay I did but she was a rebound because I thought your mom didn't like me."

"PIMP!"

"Dad, you are like my hero."

The boys patted their father on the back and Pam stared in horror as Jim flashed her a smug smile. "Now wait, how come your dad having to choose is a good thing, but when I did, you guys were all freaked out?!"

Ben shrugged. "Because you're our mom."

"I don't...I," Pam stuttered shaking her head as Jim layed his hand on hers.

He watched as his mother blushed again and pulled at the sleeves of her sweater. "Look boys, it was never our intention to have what happened come back on you. Your dad and I loved each other, and we made alot of mistakes to get to each other, I don't regret any of them. Okay? And for your information Benjamin Halpert, your father did not...as you eloquently put it 'bang' me while I was with Roy."

"Can we not use the word 'bang' when referencing anything to do with Mom, please!" Jon croaked. " All I'm asking here folks."

Ben shrugged his shoulders. "I get it, so it was like a soap opera. You two were Young and the Restless, and when Mom finally saw the Guiding Light, Roy tied to put you in General Hospital, but you realized you only had One Life to Live, and then here we are, All My Children."

"Dude, that's kind of freaky you know the name of soap operas," Jon said, staring at him.

"I don't even know how we got off track from figuring out how we were going to handle the Basketball situation," Jim sighed, running his hands over his face.

"In soap operas, there are usually baby DNA switches, so Jon, you might very well be Coach Anderson's," Kurt said simply and DJ elbowed him again and hissed at him.

"Just be quiet already Kurt!"

Pam frowned and turned around glaring. "You boys need to phone your mother to pick you up."

"What was that Mom? Could he really be my dad?!" Jon exclaimed as Pam's mouth dropped open at the stupidity of it all. "I mean, you guys keep saying you were barely married and I came right away. So...are you serious?!"

Everyone began bickering at the table, Jon hyperventilating, Ben laughing aloud and Pam asking "Are you kidding me?"

Jim whistled and the whole table looked at him. "Whoa, no! Stop! Everyone. Stop. Ben, quiet, I see you thinking. Just...dont even...shut.it. We're going to breathe. Okay? No talking." Jim demanded and the whole table stared at him. "Okay. Everyone calm? Jon, I'm your father. Trust me. Okay, you're like six feet tall, an exact replica of me, no way Roy can duplicate that DNA. So stop freaking out. And going to the mall is not extra credit, so...after this, up to your room."

Jon went to protest but Jim cut him off. "Ben, tomorrow I will go down and talk to Roy. You just show up at practice."

"Can we hold off on that?"

His parents stared at him. "Why? You know you didn't do anything to deserve that, right? I'll go down there and have a talk with Roy and get it all straightened out."

Ben shrugged. " I know. I just want to... think about it. I mean, it's no big deal if I don't play ball? Right?"

Jim looked at Pam and she looked back at him. "Uh, no...of course not. If that's what you want."

"I dunno. Maybe. Let me think about it."

"Okay," Jim nodded hesitantly. "But I still want to talk to Roy about this.  So...what else? Uh yeah...Kurt and DJ... go home. Now. Pam, you should go run a nice bath, and just relax, okay? I'll pick up some KFC and pray you won't snap before I get back. Okay? Everyone got it?"

Everyone nodded quietly as Jim stood up. "Any questions? Concerns? Thoughts?"

The boys hestitantly raised their hands. The conflicting tastes for extra crispy and Buffalo wings begin to stir on their lips.

Jim shook his head. He would have none of it. "No. No more. Keep them to yourselves. We're getting a simple ten piece meal and calling it a day!"

Collective groans could be heard as he walked towards the door.