~Before~

Anger

“You had no right.” 

He stopped with his hand on the door and slowly turned to face her.  “Excuse me!?”

They hadn’t spoken a word to each other all day.  It was excruciating and more painful than anything in recent memory.  Pam had found herself straining to hear his voice all day long, her heart beating faster when she’d transfer a call to him.  She sat across from him for the entire day, keeping silent.  But she couldn’t hold it in a moment longer.  She felt compelled to finally say something.

When she did her voice shook, as did her hands.  She kept them clasped tightly in front of her as she stood to face him.  “Why did you do that?  Why did you say that to me?”

Jim didn’t know how much more he could take.  He was completely drained.  Every ounce of his resistance was tapped out.  “I don’t know.  Maybe because it happens to be true.”

“It shouldn’t be true.” She snapped back.  “I’m engaged.  I’ve always been engaged.  You knew that – almost from the start.”

He conceded her point with a nod.  “You’re right.  I did.  Contrary to your opinion Pam – I didn’t plan this.”

“Then why?”  It came out as more of a plea than a question.

“A thousand different reasons.  And I’d sit here and tell you each and every one of them if I thought it’d make a difference.”  He looked at her, his eyes glistening.  “Will it make a difference?  Will it stop you?”

She pretended she had no idea what he was talking about.  “Stop me from what?”

It cost him, but he said the words.  “Marrying him.”

She gave him a look that said he was insane.  “This is crazy.  Of course I’m going to marry him.”

He hung his head and moved towards the door again.  “Of course.”

“I can’t believe you.”  She spat back at him.  “You – you – you’re supposed to be my friend.”

“I am your friend, Pam.”  He said wearily. “That’s what makes this twice as difficult.”

Her eyes were wild and her cheeks stained crimson.  She looked as angry as he had ever seen her. 

“No.  You’re not.  A friend wouldn’t book a vacation two days before your wedding.  A friend wouldn’t complain to HR about you behind your back.  You’re not my friend, Jim.  I’m not sure you ever were.”

“You’re not?”  He said mockingly.  “Interesting.”   He turned away from her once more.

His tone of voice was not lost on her and it just made her even angrier.  “If you were my friend you’d be happy for me.  You wouldn’t try to sabotage the biggest day of my life.”

“That wasn’t what I was trying to do.  I was trying to keep myself sane.”  He countered turning back towards her again.   He didn’t know how much more he could take, but he decided now that he’d started he might as well say it all. 

“Being in love with you hasn’t been easy Pam.  Trust me.  I tried to be “just your friend”.  One day – and I’m not even sure how or when - it just changed.  All of the sudden you stopped being my friend and started to be the woman I loved.  And even with that I knew my boundaries.  I kept my distance.  I tried not to interfere.  But it’s over.  I can’t pretend anymore.  I don’t think he’s right for you.  And maybe I’m not the one who is – but I think its being your friend to say something that might make you stop and think for a minute before you go through with this.”

She simply stood there, a look of shock on her face and her mouth set in a firm line.  And he knew he should simply shut up and leave but he found that he couldn’t keep the words from spilling from his lips.

He held her gaze and kept on.  “I may have only known you for three years, but I know I know you better than he does.  And I think if you'd stop being so stubborn you'd admit it yourself.  I know for a fact that you’re wasting yourself here.  I know you’re so organized you could run this whole place with one arm tied behind your back.  I know you’re smart, and funny and quite possibly the nicest person I’ve ever known.  And you’re so talented Pam.  Seriously.  The things you can create take my breath away.”  His voice lowered and he reached out to run a hand over her cheek.  “You – take my breath away.”

She cringed away from his touch and his heart sank to his knees.  It was over.  He knew it now.  He knew it before he even heard her next words.

“You’re just trying to confuse me because y-y-you just want me for yourself.”  She protested, but even to her own ears it sounded incredibly weak.

It wasn’t at all the reply he’d been hoping to hear.  “Congratulations.  You’re on to me.”  He put his hand on the door again.  “Can I go now?  You finished with your little tantrum?”

She was shaking; visibly shaking he’d made her so angry.  “Don’t you patronize me.”

He was too tired for any of this.  Too tired of fighting his feelings, too tired of putting himself out there only to be smacked down.  He wanted to leave already.  Go someplace where he could only see her face in his memory.

“Whatever Pam.”  He ripped the door open.  “Have a nice life.  I hope you and Roy will be very happy together.”

“Liar!”  She called out after him.   She waited a few seconds and then grabbed her coat and followed him out.  The elevator doors were just opening as she reached him.

“Now this won’t be awkward.  At all.”  He muttered under his breath as they boarded the elevator together.

She continued to harp at him, choosing not to let it go.  “Why did you even bother to say anything?  Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone?”

He slammed the emergency stop button and dropped his bag to the floor.  He gripped her elbows and backed her against the wall.  Even as he did, he didn’t know why he was even bothering. 

He was trying once more because it was clear that this would be his very last chance. 

They both knew it.

His voice softened as he gazed down at her.  “Because.  I love you Pam.  That’s it.”  He shrugged slightly.  “Plain and simple.  And because I do I don’t want you to marry anyone else.  I don’t want you to be with anyone else.  I want to be the one you go home to everyday.  The one you wake up next to in the morning.  And maybe I missed my chance, maybe I just came along a little too late, but you know what?  I don’t think so.  I think the one who’s a liar is you.  I think you know exactly what’s going on here and you’re too scared to move, too scared to even think of what it would mean to change everything.” 

He loosened his hold.  “But here's the thing.   If you'd stop to think for a second and see what's right here in front of you you'd know.  You'd know that I’d wait – Pam.  I’m really good at waiting.  I’d wait until you worked through all this if you gave me the least bit of hope that someday…maybe…”  He stared into her eyes for a long moment and whispered.  “Just say the word…”

He waited for what amounted a good minute but she didn’t reply.  He hung his head and let her go, moving over to smack the knob and start their descent again.  “I guess I have my answer.”

The doors opened and he made a hasty exit.

“Jim…”  She breathed, too low for him to actually hear her.

“See you later, Pam.”  He said softly as he quickly made his way to his car leaving her standing there paralyzed.

All she could do was watch him go.