~After~

Comprehension

Things had been incredibly tense for the last few weeks - so much so that Jim almost felt the need to ask her if she'd even be coming with him today. 

And though he'd never said a word it was like she could sense it, and the fact that he was unsure of her feelings for him cut her nearly in two.

He doesn't realize that all Pam wants is for him to know exactly how much she loves him, how right now, this minute; she didn't regret a single thing.

She wishes she could find a way to make it clear to him.

Because it all makes sense to her now.

Earlier that day he had sat on the edge of the bed in their hotel room, watching her get ready.  As he did the collar of his tuxedo shirt choked him a bit.  For all the ties he wore he was unused to dressing so formally.

He had smiled as he watched her, almost laughing at the way she’d twist and turn. 

She did this thing where she'd tilt her head, or stick one leg out in front of her as she looked in the mirror.

He wanted to tell her she'd never looked more beautiful but the words stuck in his throat a bit.

After all they had been through it didn’t seem fair.  Now that they were together it was supposed to be easy and perfect and…right.

Instead of being difficult and awkward and, though it made him sick to think it, almost…wrong.

The first few weeks were nothing short of blissful but somehow in the months that followed things had changed.

He wants to remember how it was in the beginning, so that he can start to breathe again.

He remembers the first time they were together, how his hands ran over every inch of her skin, as if to commit it to memory.

He wants to know more than that; he wants to know all of her, every last little piece.

He can't believe that she just won't let him in.

As they ride up in the elevator she reaches for his hand, linking her fingers with his.  She is standing so close he can almost feel her breathing. 

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye and wishes she knew that he was nothing short of fascinated by her. 

Jim pauses at the door to their room and holds the key in his hand.   As he does she can’t help but notice that he’s shaking slightly. 

She knew it had been an emotional day for him.  She knew that.  He’d talked about it for weeks, months, nearly two years it seemed. 

Today marked the end of a huge portion of his life.  They had just come from his sister’s wedding. 

Jim had been the one to give her away. 

It was the culmination of every day of his life since he’d been sixteen, since that fateful day when he'd become the one that both his mom and his sister had come to lean on. 

During the ceremony as Pam stood beside him and held his hand tightly the answers came to her, in a sudden rush.

This is why.

This is why he holds the door open for you, why he pulls out your chair.  Why he listens so well and so intently. 

It's ingrained in him – its second nature.  He’s not trying to manage you.  He simply doesn't know how not to be like that.

This is why he made you grilled cheese sandwiches, why he always makes sure there's someone to drive you home, why he pushed you to take the internship.

This is why.

This is why he'd lived at home until just two years ago.  He wouldn't leave until he knew they were both taken care of.   Now that she was married, he knew his work was done.

It was a big step for him to think of himself for a change. 

This is why he cried when he told you he loved you.

This is why he's the only one you could ever really even contemplate being with for the rest of your life.

This is why.

"Well.  That was some party."  He says with a grin as he pulls his tie off.  He throws his jacket over the arm of the chair as he sits down and unties his shoes, kicking them off into the corner.

"Yeah."  She whispers, staring at him in awe.

The look on her face concerns him.  She looks like she has something to say. 

They’ve done a lot of talking lately.  He was hoping they could just let things go tonight. 

Still he couldn't help but ask.  "You OK?"

She nods and begins to walk towards him.

He still wasn't nearly convinced.  "You sure?" 

"Uh huh."  She murmurs as she stops directly in front of him, standing between his outstretched legs.  Her hands gently run through his hair, her fingers moving to trace the lines of his face.

"Pam?"

"I love you, Jim."  She whispers against his lips as she bends her head to kiss him.  "I do.  Do you have any idea how much?"

Her breath is warm against his skin and his heartbeat picks up.  He's not exactly sure what's come over her.  He's used to this, to being with her like this but everything about the way she's touching him and kissing him is much different than before.

"I know."  He nods, his mouth seeking hers again.  "I know you do."

She shakes her head, her lips brushing back and forth against his, threatening his sanity. 

"I don't think you do.  I don't think I've done a good job of making sure…"  She falls to her knees in front of him, as her hands reach up to frame his face.   Her lips resumed their journey, kissing his temple, grazing his cheek, until finally; thankfully, he felt her mouth settle firmly over his.

Once there, she moved lazily, taking her time, as if she had all day. The small nibbles and bites she took had him dizzy. She was driving him slowly insane.

"Let me show you."  She whispers as she reaches for his hands and stands, pulling him with her.

When they'd first gotten together it was almost always rushed and panicked.  It was sometimes as if they were the last two people on the planet, racing against a ticking clock. 

Except late at night, when sometimes they’d come together half asleep both of them suddenly just needing to be that close.

But this?  This was different.

“Pam.”  He says her name in a low growl that she can feel on her skin as he slides his lips along her shoulder.  Impatient, she places a hand on the back of his neck and brings his lips back to hers.

She deepens the kiss, gently catching his bottom lip in her teeth as her hands move to his shirt, slipping open the buttons one by one, a thankful sigh escaping when the starched cotton slides from his shoulders.

This is different, he thinks again as they tumble together onto the bed, the silk of her dress swishing against his bare skin.

Jim reaches around her back, his fingers fumbling for the zipper.  He’s desperate to feel his skin against hers.  She twists and turns to set herself free, only gone from his arms for a moment before settling back in them again.

He shifts and rises up on his knees, bringing her with him.  Her eyes flutter open, catching his and she smiles before his arms close around her, reducing the space between them to mere centimeters.  Knowing what he’s trying to do, she shakes her head at him again.

”No.  Please.”  She whispers as she pushes him to lie back down.  “Let me.”

“Why?”  He asks her, still completely confused.

She can’t think of another thing to tell him but the absolute truth.

“Because...”  She says softly as she stares deeply into his eyes.   “…I just…need to.”

And for now, though he still doesn’t quite understand, that answer is more than enough.