~Before~

Acceptance

He stood on the other side of the door and held his breath.

When he'd heard her knock over twenty minutes ago and looked through the peephole he couldn't believe his eyes.

What was she doing here? 

Thoughts began to race through his head.  This was a good sign right?  She wouldn't have come all the way here to just…

The thing that was so disconcerting about all of this is that he had contemplated going to Scranton tonight himself.  He knew he could just be shooting himself in the foot, but he had the overwhelming need to know for sure that it was over.

She wasn't married.  He knew that and as long as he did there was still a tiny piece of him that knew there was still hope.

He'd been this close to going to her tonight but ultimately he'd decided to spare himself the misery.   Giving up he sat down and ate his solitary excuse for a dinner.  He was just finishing when there was a knock on the door.

Suddenly she was here.

Thing was he had no damn idea what to do about it.

As afraid as he was to confront her, he was equally terrified that she would leave before he got up the nerve to.

You've let opportunities pass you by before.  He thought wearily.  Haven’t you learned your lesson?

He peeked out the peephole again and saw her pacing and nibbling on her nails.   It seemed like a good sign to him.  She looked determined to wait for however long it took.

Taking a deep steadying breath he slowly opened the door.

As he did, he watched her jump two feet in the air.

"Jim!"  Pam gasped as a hand flew to her chest.  "Oh my God you scared me!!"

"I'm sorry."  He said softly.  "Didn't mean to."

She gave him a confused look.  "I didn't think you were home."

"I know."

"I…knocked forever and you didn't answer."  She took a step back.

"I know."  He replied with a nod.

Realization washed over her.  "Oh."  She looked around desperately.  "So.  OK.  I…um, I was just…"

"In the neighborhood?"  He asked, as his eyebrows rose.

"Yes."  She replied quickly and then realized how ridiculous it sounded.  "No.  I mean…"  She tried to read his expression and simply couldn't.    She hung her head and decided that this was a terrible idea.  She was prepared for the worst case scenario.  There was a fifty-fifty chance things could go this way.

"I guess I'll go."  She said softly as she slowly made her way down the hall

Panic consumed him as his blood roared in his ears.  He was still afraid but all he knew right now was that he needed to stop her. 

"What are you doing here Pam?"  He called out after her.  "I mean…what are you really doing here?"

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him.  "I wanted to talk to you."

"OK."  He gave her a confused look.  "About what?"

He just held her gaze until she felt compelled to open her mouth.  It's your turn, Pam; a little voice in her head reminded her.  You need to tell him.

Pam.  Say something.

"Your building is really nice."  She said as she glanced around.

Not exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Pam."  His voice was clipped and slightly impatient.

She brought her eyes back to his.  "Yeah?"

"Please.  I can't do this.  This is why it took me almost a half hour to open the door."  He took a deep breath, surprising even himself with his honesty.  "Just…tell me."

She looked like she was about to faint, or get sick or possibly both.  "I wanted to tell you something."

He tilted his head as if to say, "So go ahead."

She looked at him, her eyes pleading.  "Can we do this inside?"  She walked slowly back towards him, wringing her hands a bit. 

"No.  Here's fine."  He replied.   The idea of seeing her in the place where he lived was just too much to take.

Pam should have realized this wouldn't be at all easy.  He wasn't going to let her off easy at all it seemed. 

"OK.  I just…"  She had no idea how to start this.  "I just wanted to tell you that I made a huge mistake.  I let you believe something that wasn't true."

His heart beat faster.  "Such as?"

She took another steadying breath.  "I let you believe that I didn't have feelings for you.  I made you think that I thought of you as just my friend.  But I realize now that the truth is you mean so much more to me…"

He couldn't dare hope.  It was too much to believe.

It didn't seem like he was getting the message.  "OK."  Pam stared at her feet for a moment to summon up more courage.  This was proving to be a thousand times more difficult than she thought.

"It's like this.  It's like I've done a terrible thing and it's so weird.  There's only one person I want to talk to about it.  But it just so happens this…thing I did…well.  It involves this person and so I don't even know how to begin."

Jim shook his head.  "Pam."

Her head snapped up and she stares at him.  "Yeah?"

"I know what you're trying to do."  He whispers.   He can't take this.  If she starts with the you're my best friend stuff he's simply going to lose it.  He'd heard that speech the first time around.  

"C'mon.  Just talk to me."  He implored her.  He stared at her again, impatient and slightly annoyed.  "You said you have something to tell me?"

"Yes."  She snaps back, suddenly wondering why she bothered to come here in the first place.

"Then say it already."  His replied, completely exasperated.

"Fine.  Whatever.  I'll just say it then."  She stood and shook back her hair and glared up at him.  "I came here to tell you I love you."

He knew it was within the realm of possibility for her to give such a reply, but he still felt as if he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him.

And leave it to her to say it for the first time as she looked incredibly pissed off at him.

"Pam."

"Are you happy now?" She folded her arms in front of her and gave him a look.

"Happy?  Yeah.  You could say that." He nodded and ducked his head, smiling widely.

"I couldn't…I mean…I really didn't know."  She looked at him guiltily and then sighed before she went on.  "OK - I did know - but I didn't know what to do about it.  It was just…too much and then you left and I…"

"Pam."  He tried again to get her attention.

"I couldn't deal with this at first.  I mean, I knew it all along, in the back of my mind I knew what was going on but…"

She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with tears.

"Roy's not a bad guy - he isn't.  I just…we were together so long that I couldn't..."

"I know."  He agreed and he knew that this time he meant it.

It was easier to stomach when he knew he was the one on the winning end of this equation.

Pam looked up at him and suddenly the last thing she wanted to talk about was Roy.  She reached up and ran a hand over the front of his shirt, making him shudder a bit.  He stumbled back until he rested against the door to his apartment.

She gazed deeply into his eyes and sighed.  It was getting easier every minute. "The first day I went to work without you there I missed you so much I actually couldn't breathe."

He nodded and took a step closer.  "I know.  Me too."

Pam was still rambling and Jim, quite frankly didn't care in the least.  She could go on for days if she wanted.

She loved him and she was here.  Anything else in the world meant nothing at the moment.

She inched closer and rested a hand over his heart.  It was beating frantically and she smiled, knowing the effect she was having on him. 

"And I realized if I missed you that much, if it really was that hard to be without you - that it must mean something."  

"Good guess."  He agreed, still smiling.

She kept trying to think of things to explain herself, as if he needed to know the reasons.  It took her a minute until she finally focused again.  "You don't really need to hear all this do you?"

"Not really."  He replied, grinning widely.  "I already pretty much got the message with the whole 'I love you' thing."

A flush crept up her cheeks as she gazed at him.  "I'm so sorry."  She said as she took a step closer.

"It's OK."  Jim's arms closed around her, holding her tight.  His lips pressed against her temple as he whispered.  "Just…say it again."

Instead of replying she shifted and kissed him hard and full on the mouth.  She eased back slowly, laughing at how completely stunned he looked.

"Jim."  She laughed, finally being able to exhale for the first time since he left her.   "Oh my God.  I just told you I love you."  She repeated and smiled as his lips kissed a trail straight back to hers.

"I know.  I heard you and believe me.  Now that it's out there?  You don't get to take it back." He replied, laughing back at her.

As his lips moved over hers she realized something amazing.  This is a whole different kiss.  Pam's mind reeled as one of his hands rested comfortably on her hip as the other splayed over her back, pressing her closer to him.

And it's not nearly close enough.

"Jim…"  She whispered he feasted on her throat.

"Mmmm?"

Her hands raked through his hair.  "Can we…"  Her knees buckled a bit.  "Umm…go inside now?"

"Oh."  He smiled against her skin as he reached for the doorknob.  "Yeah."

Once inside their kisses became more and more frenzied.  They stumbled and tripped towards the bedroom knocking over several books and a lamp as they made their way there.

She started to pull away to fix them when he laughed loudly.  "Are you crazy?"

"What?"  She looked at him confused as he backed her against the wall.

His lips were soft and gentle against hers, but ever so slowly becoming more demanding.  Her hands reached up and her fingers slid into his hair.

And the voice in her head changed.  Now, all she could hear was one single word.

More.

"Jim."  She managed to eek out his name as he pulled back slightly.

"Yeah."  He smiled as he rested his forehead against hers

"I…"  She began.

He swallowed audibly, glad to know that they're on the same page. "Yeah…"

"Please…"  She begged as her eyes fluttered close.

His hands aren't as gentle as before and he's pulling, tugging, all the while never letting his mouth leave some portion of her body, whether lips or skin.  

Her own hands are just as impatient, she's dying, simply dying to know what it feels like to be closer to him.

They tumbled to the bed and she landed with a bounce, a smile lighting up her whole face as she gazed up at him.

"Jim…" She breathed as she twisted slightly to pull her arm from the sleeve of her t-shirt.

His eyes roamed over her appreciatively when what she wears underneath was revealed.

"This should be weird."  She managed between kisses.  She looked up at him, her brow wrinkled.

He gave her a knowing look.  "I know, right?"  He replied, getting back to the task at hand.  His hands moved over her, peeling away layers until there's nothing at all between them.

"Bizarre actually."  She whispered as she shifted against him again, nibbling along his bottom lip.  She ran her tongue gently over his until they parted over hers.  

She laughed into his mouth and he pulled back.

"Hey Pam?  This is not exactly the time for laughing."  He looked at her menacingly.

"Jim."  Unable to stop herself she continued to giggle as she dragged his face back towards hers.  "You need to remember, you're like only the second person I've ever really kissed.  And definitely only the second person I've ever been with…like this…"  She looked up at him, eyes wide as his hands moved over her skin, leaving her wanting more with every touch.

He stopped short and stared at her pretending to be horrified.  "Oh.  So no pressure."  He shrugged as his expression changed and he smiled back at her.

"No.  No pressure."  She whispered as Jim set about to finally give her something to compare to.

"Trust me."  He promised her as he buried his nose in her hair.  "I'm up for the challenge."

"I can see that."  She laughed into his shoulder. 

"OK.  You're going to give me a complex if you don't stop laughing." He warned her as he took her mouth again. 

"I'm sorry.  I'll stop."  She promised, trying her best to keep a straight face.

"You better."  His hands moved lower, hoping he'd finally be able to distract her.

"Jim."  She gasped as she arched against him.

"Yes?"

"I..."  She murmured, far from laughing now and completely overwhelmed.

She didn't need to finish the sentence at all.  "I know."  He nodded finally believing it himself.  "Me too."