Oscar scuttled into Dunder-Mifflin, fifteen minutes late, just as Michael came barreling out of his office. “Okay, everybody!” Michael waved for everyone’s attention. Oscar froze, fear etched on his face. He was trying to remember if it was Gay Pride Day or worse, his own birthday, when Michael continued. “Gather round! I’ve got important news!”

Everyone turned to stare at Oscar, waiting expectantly. Oscar’s mind raced over names and dates. It was April 27th. It meant nothing to him. Nothing.

“What are you all looking…?” Michael turned to look at Oscar. “Get… get out of here. Go to your desk!”  As Oscar started moving, Michael returned to his prepared spiel, “Okay! Nobody move! I have HUGE news. This is like headline news. This is news that will change your life!”

Jim yawned, “What is it, Michael?”

Dwight spoke at the same time, “Oh man! Are you going to fire someone? Because I have a list of transgressors…”

“Dwight,” Michael said in exasperation. “How many times do I have to tell you… No one is going to get fired. No one is EVER getting fired!”

Dwight’s mouth dropped open at this open hostility on Michael’s part, “But two weeks ago, you said you wished you could fire…”

“Shuuuuuuuut….” Michael didn’t finish because Dwight’s mouth had snapped shut. “Good. Okay.”

“Michael, what is this all about?”  Stanley was holding his phone in one hand while his finger hovered over the hold button, “I have a client on hold….”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Michael pointed excitedly at Stanley, “Thank you Stanley for your enthusiasm!” Stanley told his caller that he would call him back.

“Michael, there is no money left in petty cash for another party,” Angela’s mouth was a thin line of disapproval. She hated it when petty cash was empty.

“This is no party, Angela! Spoil sport. This is The Fair! Everyone, we’re going to The Fair!” Michael looked around to see who was jumping up and down at his news. Not even Dwight had realized the enormity of The Fair. In fact, confused faces could be seen on all sides.

Jim was the first to burst the bubble, “Michael, isn’t the Fair in August?”

“This is April, Michael,” Pam explained in case he’d forgotten what month it was.

“I know that, Paaaam,” Michael began to bob and weave in a ghetto dance that he’d developed with Darryl. “We’re not going to the County Fair, we’re going to the Endless Maple Fair in Troy!”

“Troy,” Stanley said disbelievingly. “Troy is over two hours away, Michael,”

Michael laughed gleefully, “I know! I’m providing the vehicular transport AND the entertainment!”

“Oh god,” Karen muttered.

“Well, at least that’s over,” Oscar whispered to Angela.

“We’ve still got the ride back,” she shielded her mouth with her hand and faked a slight cough.

Oscar replied in his most hushed voice, “See if you can find some vending machines. Bottled water.”

Angela’s lips contorted as she recalled the only drink available in Chez Winnabago “Blue Blast…” she hissed

Oscar tried to quell the nausea, “Never again will I accept a ride from Michael in his mother’s Winnebago.”

“Ever,” Angela agreed.

Michael read off the Fair Program’s daily events to his employees as they trudged through the dirt parking lot. “Okay, first off…. Welcome to Troy Fairgrounds! Second, we’ll meet at 2 o’clock for the Pancake Eating Contest and...”

Dwight’s “Yeeees!” and Kevin’s “Allll right!” elicited a gratified smile from Michael. He knew this was going to be the best Morale Event ever.

Ryan and Kelly were still hiding behind the Winnebago when their co-workers entered the turnstiles.

“Can we go now?” Kelly begged. He ignored her, as usual. She pouted,  “Ryan Howard, I’m hot and dirty and I’ve got dirt clods in my shoes!” She pulled off her Stella McCartney knock-off pumps, “I wish Michael had told us yesterday, I sooo could have worn this really cute denim…”

As soon as she had her shoes back on, Ryan pushed her towards the parking lot exit, “I saw a Museum down the road. Let’s go check it out.”

“What? Why? I want to go on the rides!” Kelly pointed excitedly towards a ride that had just started moving in the distance, “Look, there’s a Ferris Wheel! And cotton candy!” She used her most pouty voice, “Museums are sooo boring!”

Ryan sighed as he saw Michael’s head disappear in the crowd, “I know.”

“Hey, you want me to win you a giant stuffed Maple Bear? I’m pretty good at hoops...” Jim pointed towards the basketball toss.

Karen laughed, “What do you think I am? Sixteen?”

“Uh… no. I was just… You know, something you could put on your desk at work,” Jim bit his lip nervously.

“Oh, right, Halpert. Real professional. Hey, look!” Karen pointed down an opening between the stalls, “The Wave Swinger! I love that ride! Let’s go!” She pulled him towards the Bavarian-themed ride. Dozens of empty swings swayed as the ride came to a standstill. Only a handful of young boys were waiting in line.

“Doesn’t look real safe…” Jim said tentatively.

Karen nodded, “I heard that two girls swung off to their deaths in Texas last year!”

Jim handed the ride operator two tickets, “Have you ever noticed that it’s always two girls? It’s never like a burly biker dude.”

“Well, I think they’re pretty,” Phyllis pointed at another teapot she liked.

“Puh-lease,” Angela sniffed, “Our county fair has much better china painting. None of these would even get a green ribbon in Scranton.”

“I think it’s pretty, too, Phyllis.” Pam smiled encouragingly at Phyllis. She didn’t think she’d mention in front of Angela that Phyllis had entered a similar painted teapot at last year’s fair. Angela didn’t need to know that Phyllis didn't get a green ribbon let alone the red ribbon this one had.

Phyllis smiled gratefully, “It must be nice to be an artist, Pam. When you say something is pretty, everyone knows you must be right.”

“I know Michael’s up to something,” Dwight told Andy by the swine exhibit.

Andy nodded as he tried to keep from touching the mucky fencepost behind him. It was a tough call. Pig muck or Dwight breath.

Dwight listed the suspicious behaviors. “A) He didn’t tell me anything about a country fair even though I’m his right hand man.”

“Is that pig looking at us…” A note of urgency underlined Andy’s voice as he sidled sideways away from the pig muck. Dwight breath had won out over eyeballing pigs.

Dwight barely paused to look at the offending sow, “No. It’s not. It’s just in heat. They do that all the time. Where was I?” Dwight looked at Andy for help but Andy was now completely engrossed in watching the pig in heat. “2) Stanley drove Michael’s Winnebago even though I called it! 3) Michael then ordered me to sit in the back of the Winnebago. Why? 3-Subset) Did he want to put me as far as possible from Stanley?  And finally....”

Andy noticed that the pig, hog, swine, whatever you wanted to call it, was the same exact shade of pink as his shirt. He hoped that no one else noticed. He’d gotten enough ‘pig jokes’ from girls when he was in high school.

Dwight was used to disinterested audiences, “4) Why did Michael order me and you to come check out the goats and rabbits?  You’re not even a farmer!  Do you own a farm? I don’t thinks so! And why specifically did Michael want us to check out goats and rabbits?”

Andy couldn’t help adding, “And cats…”

“There are no regulations for the exhibition of cats at legalized County Fairs. Even a sad excuse for a fair like this wouldn’t allow…” Dwight’s voice trailed off as he thought about what he had just said. “ I don’t think this even qualifies as a fair. There are no goats. No rabbits. There aren't even any 4-H buildings. I see absolutely no giant vegetables.” Dwight looked around in wild surmise, “In fact! There’s nothing that you would find at a real fair!”

Andy didn’t care. He’d never been to a fair before. This one had dirt and scary pigs. Seemed like a freaking County Fair to him. He just wanted that Pig to stop ogling him. “Look Dwight, man, they’ve got rides and beer, what else do you need? And hey, who cares anyway, Dude? We’ve got a beer garden twenty yards away,” Andy made a beeline towards the Kiwanis booth. “Forget the chipmunks and pigs!”

Dwight wouldn’t be deterred, “But don’t you think Michael’s acting strange?”

Andy knew a losing proposition when he heard one, “Nope. I think he’s acting as normal as the Michael normally acts. Unless you mean the Mime act he did on the road?”

“No, he does that whenever we travel,” Dwight gave up. Andy was obviously a broken reed. Dwight looked towards the beer garden with a faraway look in his eye, “Did I ever tell you about the time I took Ryan on his first sales call?”

“Ooooh, so close. Three more balls for just a dollar!” The carnival worker held out three rubber balls to tempt Pam.

Pam considered the targets thoughtfully, “My friend says all these games are a rip-off.”

“He’s totally right.”

Pam looked over to see Jim leaning against the next Midway stall, a Throw Three Darts at Balloons Game that she’d already tried and failed. She’d decided the darts were rubber-tipped and the balloons were rocks covered in latex.

“Hey, where’s Karen?” Pam tried to act cool.

Jim shrugged, “She’s on the Matterhorn.”

Pam smiled, “How’d you get out of that?”

“The ole bathroom ruse,” he looked down the midway to make sure the Matterhorn was still going.

“Nice,” Pam shuffled her feet. Shyly, she asked, “Want to win me a…”

“No.”

Taken aback by his brisk refusal, Pam stammered, “Oh yeah. No. I was just kidding.”

“Yeah. I know,” Jim put his hands in his pockets. “Karen would be upset. Because I haven’t won her anything yet.”

“Oh no, totally. No, you should totally get her something. They’ve got some really classy mirrors over at the Throw a Penny on a Really Slick Plate While We Laugh At You booth.”

Jim laughed, “Yeah, that’s called the Just Give Us Your Money and Walk Away Game.”

“But the mirrors, Jim, the mirrors! There’s a ZZ Top and a Playboy Bunny and a Harley Davidson with Wings! I could redo my entire apartment!” Pam waved her hands in the air as if describing her whole new pad.

“Definitely classy. Very Beesly. Especially the Harley,” Jim looked down the Midway and saw that the Matterhorn was stopping. “Hey, gotta go. Karen’s waiting.”

“Yeah, sure.” She waved as he walked off.

Once Jim was out of earshot, the carny leaned across the counter towards Pam and whispered, “If you want, I’ll get you those mirrors.”

“Over there is where I ate eight hot dogs and got sick on my Mom,” Michael pointed to a table next to a line of port-a-johns.

Toby didn’t glance over, “Look, Michael. I know it’s my birthday, but seriously, you don’t have to do this.”

Michael stopped in his tracks, “Yeah, well… It’s your birthday and you’ve got no family.”

Toby’s expression hardly changed, “Actually, I’m having dinner tonight with my parents and my daughter’s coming over tomorrow for…”

“Always the martyr, Mr. Flenderson!” Michael said knowingly. Toby looked confused. “No, Toby. I meant family. Real family.” Michael continued, “Like I bet you didn’t get any birthday cards from your co-workers. Am I right?”

“Actually,” Toby smiled slightly, “I got a nice card from Pam and…”

“Pam!” Michael laughed that off, “Pam gets everyone a card for their birthday. She’s required to by law. She’s a secretary. That’s their job. Was it funny? The one she got me had a fat lady on a …”

“No, it wasn’t funny,” Toby interrupted. “It had a very nice message…”

“Ha!” Michael looked triumphantly around him. “She didn’t get you a funny birthday card? Well, there you go! She hates your guts!”

Toby was obviously uncomfortable, “I really think that was inappropriate under the…”

“Stuff the p. c. crap, Tobster. It’s your birthday.” Michael directed their footsteps towards a fenced-in beer garden, “Let loose! Let par-tay! Let’s…” Michael quickly steered them away. He’d spotted Dwight and Andy inside and he had no desire for anyone to see him with Toby… even if it was Toby’s birthday. “Let’s go somewhere where no one will see…” He looked around desperately.  In quick succession he considered a pig exhibit, some ponies in a makeshift corral, and a padlocked Quonset hut. “Let’s ride a pony!” Michael was already pulling cash out of his wallet. “I can’t ride one cause I’m allergic, but it’s your birthday so buckle up your boots!” Michael handed a twenty to the unsavory cowboy at the entrance, “Pony ranger? Saddle my… employee up!”

 “I’m not your employee, Michael, and I don’t want to ride a pony.” Even the pony ranger could hear the resignation in Toby’s voice. The cowboy started putting a saddle on his biggest pony. He didn’t point out a sign that showed the height requirement for riders. So the sad sack in the suit was over five feet tall? So what? He hadn’t had a customer all day and twenty bucks was twenty bucks.

“Wow, I’ve never done it in the hay before,” the woman drawled afterwards.

Creed stared at her in amazement, “Really? I’ve rolled in the hay quite a lot.”

“Two dollars says they’re fake,” Kevin pointed at a buxom woman hawking feather earrings.

Stanley checked her out, “You’re on.”

Kevin nudged Meredith, “Go on, go ask her. She’ll tell you. You’re a woman.”

Meredith nodded, “Okay. Just this once but you both have to buy me a beer.”

“Waaaaait… a beer costs five bucks.” Kevin calculated quickly in his head, “Even if I win, I’d still lose a buck.”

Stanley looked over at another booth, “Another two dollars says the Chakra lady’s aren’t real.”

Kevin and Meredith swiveled to see a booth full of crystals and polished geodes. The woman sitting on a stool was wearing a form-disguising muumuu.

“Oh, you are so on!” Kevin handed Meredith his four dollars for safe-keeping. “Do both of them and we’ll buy you a beer.”

Meredith looked slightly unsure, “But nobody follows me, okay?” The two men nodded their assurances.

Meredith walked up and down the stalls examining pamphlets and signs before stopping in front of the feather earring stall. “Hey,” she whispered, “I’ve got a bet with those two chumps over there….”

“Come on, Halpert. I’m hot and it’s the only air-conditioned building,” Karen crossed her arms defiantly until Jim relented.  Once he was in the Arts and Crafts building, he scanned the room to make sure Pam wasn’t there. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed that she wasn't there.

“Oh man, look at this,” Karen had pointed at a landscape laughing. “We’re like in the vortex of Bob Ross’ brain!”

He realized that Karen was waiting for his reaction. He shrugged. What could he say? The landscape looked pretty good to him. Of course, Pam’s were better, but still…

“Can you believe we could be so close to New York City and find this type of... well, I don't think art is the word?” She looked around in excitement, “ I just know there’s a velvet painting here somewhere.” She gasped, “Look! Someone's painted a sad clown!” Karen grabbed Jim’s hand and pulled him towards the offending picture. Jim looked longingly towards the entrance… any minute now she might walk in.

“She’s cute,” Ryan pointed listlessly at a girl walking by.

Pam checked out the girl in question. She was wearing not enough clothing and too much makeup, “Yeah. Where’s Kelly?”

“On the Ferris Wheel,” Ryan gestured behind him and upwards. His eyes remained fixed on the people walking by.

Pam looked up and saw Kelly waving wildly down at them. Oscar was sitting next to her. Even from this distance, Pam could tell Oscar looked uncomfortable at how Kelly was tipping the gondola. Pam waved so that Kelly would stop. Kelly didn’t stop. Pam shrugged and returned to talking to Ryan and being bored out of her mind.

“So,” she finally said, “Why didn’t you go on the Ferris Wheel with Kelly?”

“I want to save my tickets for the Motion Simulator, fear of heights, I just ate a chili dog, feeling queasy, fear of falling, had to use the bathroom,” Ryan reeled these off with barely a thought.

Pam examined him for a few seconds, “And the real reason?”

“Kelly. For 10 minutes. On a Ferris Wheel. And no way off,” Ryan’s eyelids drooped at the mere thought of it.

“I love Michael Scott,” Dwight told the bartender. “And I love this guy. What’s your name again?”

“Dreeeew,” Andy was proud that he’d remembered his new name under such trying circumstances. A lot of his frat brothers couldn’t remember their real names after five lagers!

“Thas right, I love Drew. And I love Ryan’s cute little nose!” Dwight held up his empty glass, “We’re Dumber Mifflin’s Champion Army of Dwights!”

“To Dwights!” Andy lifted his glass

.

The Kiwanis bartender gave a sign to a group of Rotarians sitting near the beer garden entrance. Before the glass touched Andy’s lips, he’d been lifted by the seat of his pants and tossed over the fence. “That’s what I’m talking about!” He screamed.

Dwight landed beside him with a grunt. “Barhop, I’d like my tab, please,” he mumbled.

Jim examined the Gold Rosette winning picture. It was a detailed sketch of two children and a dog playing in the spray of a garden hose. Jim thought it was pretty good. He wondered what Pam thought of it. “Hey, what do you think of this one?”

“Why do they give out so many ribbons? Don’t they know they’re just encouraging all these amateurs?”

Jim pulled up with a jerk. For a second, he’d forgotten he was with Karen. “Oh, well…” he tried to think of something neutral. “You’ve got to start somewhere.”

Karen laughed, “Hopefully, for mankind’s sake, they start and end here.”

“I will not go on that ride. It’s juvenile,” Angela looked away from the “Lost City” funhouse in disdain.

Phyllis pursed her lips, “Oh, Angela. It’ll be fun. I bet you’d love the maze of mirrors! It’s like in Grease when…” Angela’s disapproving glare stopped her for a second. “Well, Michael did give us all these tickets. You don’t want to waste them, do you?”

Everyone knew that Angela hated waste more than anything. “All right. I’ll go on the Carousel. But that’s it.”

“How about the Tilt-A-Whirl?” Phyllis suggested.

Angela’s reply was guarded, “What’s that? I don’t want to go on anything that tilts.”

Phyllis smiled, “Oh it doesn’t tilt. I promise. They just named it that because the letters are tilted on the sign.”

“Seriously, that guy is a porker!” Michael screamed so loud that people ten rows down looked back in distress.

Pam, who had unwisely chosen to sit between Michael and Toby, looked over three rows to catch Jim’s eye. Her stomach twisted and she suddenly felt light-headed. Jim was sitting directly behind Karen with his knees around her. He was whispering something in her ear and Karen’s convulsive laughter was shaking a day-glo green teddy bear that she had hugged close to her body.

“Use the syrup, Kevin! Use the syrup!” Michael’s screamed words of wisdom thankfully returned Pam to the world of Pancake-Eating Contests.

“Go Stanley! Chug! Chug! Chug!” Kelly yelled in support of her favorite contestant. Michael ecstatically looked over to see Ryan cheering alongside Kelly.

“Write this down, Pam,” Michael whispered to Pam out of the corner of his mouth. “Eating contests. Ryan likes eating contests.”

Pam and Toby exchanged looks. “Should I put this in the list of things Ryan likes to do in general or the list of things to do for Ryan’s birthday?” Pam’s voice dripped honey.

Toby bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. His dentist had warned him to stop doing that. There was so much scar tissue built up that he was having trouble opening his mouth wide enough for his yearly cleaning.

“Hmmmm,” Michael considered, “Put it in both and also on the list of things Ryan likes to do with people from work.” Pam nodded seriously at his request before turning back to watching Kevin win the contest with 23¼  pancakes in 2 minutes.

Forty minutes after they hit the road, someone noticed Andy wasn’t in the Winnebago.

Annoyed, Michael interrogated everyone at the next pit stop, “Did Andy tell any of you he was staying behind?”

Creed raised his hand, “Yeah, he met this hot mama, fortune teller. Said he was joining the circus.”

Pam was the last person to return the office since she had to explain all the Blue Blast stains to Michael's Mother and Jeff. When she sat down at her desk she nearly cracked three mirrors someone had set on her chair: a ZZ Top, a Playboy Bunny, and a Harley Davidson with Angel Wings.