“Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace.”

Jim Halpert looked up, a sad smile forming on his face as he thought about how much he’d miss hearing Pam speak that same greeting if he left Scranton again.  He was sitting alone in the reception area of Dunder Mifflin’s corporate headquarters, waiting for his interview with David Wallace to begin.  Karen had left him a few minutes earlier to meet some of her New York City girlfriends for lunch.  Jim didn’t mind that she had left, in fact, he was grateful to have some time alone.  Karen had barely left his side since Pam’s confession on the beach a week earlier, probably feeling the need to protect her turf.  Jim needed time to do some serious thinking, and it was just too difficult to do that with Karen around.  He needed to think before he made possibly the biggest mistake of his life.

Realizing how much he’d miss her, it seemed ironic to Jim now that Pam was the very reason he was sitting here waiting for this interview.  When David Wallace had called him the day before the Scranton branch’s beach outing, asking him to interview for the position, Jim wasn’t sure he was interested.  He just didn’t see himself as a New York City kind of guy.  But Ryan’s comment from a week earlier had been weighing heavily on his mind: that no one in the office realized that he and Karen were even in a relationship.  Jim knew that he was holding back, both in showing affection to Karen and in committing to her, because he didn’t want Pam to see it.  He knew that the only way his relationship with Karen would really have a chance would be to leave Scranton again and put Pam far behind him.  That’s why Jim agreed to the interview—New York seemed like the perfect solution.  That’s why Jim didn’t disagree the night before when Karen said that there is one too many people in Scranton. He knew that already.  But by the time Karen said it, he wasn’t sure if the extra person was Pam or Karen.

Jim had been stunned by Pam’s speech that night on the beach.  She had spoken in terms of friendship, but there was no misinterpreting, not this time, that she meant more.  At first, the reality of it didn’t hit him, that’s why it was so easy for him to shoot her down that night.  While he suddenly realized that she had feelings for him, he gently let her know that he wasn’t in love with her anymore.  That’s what he meant when he said he had never really “come back”.  She understood what the inflection in his voice meant when he said it, that he didn’t have feelings for her anymore.  He hadn’t come back to loving her.  It had been so easy for him to say at the time because he had spent the last year painfully convincing himself of that.

But soon after, a myriad of conflicting emotions set in.  Relief in the realization that he hadn’t really misinterpreted her feelings after all.  Anger that it took her so long to tell him.  Embarrassment that this all came out in front of all of their co-workers.  Regret that he had treated Pam so badly since his return to Scranton.  Regret that Karen was caught up in this mess too. 

At first, relief won out as the predominate emotion.  He had beat himself up thinking that he had been so wrong about how Pam felt about him, not only at Casino Night but also at Phyllis’ wedding, when he briefly allowed himself to think that maybe there was a chance, before he saw Pam leave with Roy.  Now he knew he hadn’t been so crazy to go out on a limb on Casino Night.  Now he knew that his relationship with Karen most likely had driven Pam back into Roy’s arms.  The documentary camera crew hadn’t been trying to torture him at Phyllis’ wedding when they suggested that Pam was interested.  They had been trying to let him know, even though they could be fired for interfering in their subjects’ lives.  He’d have to thank them when he got the chance.

But after the relief, some serious regret settled in.  For the last year, Jim had been too busy wallowing in his own self pity to see what he had done to her.  Now he clearly saw the pain he caused her.  He left Scranton after Casino Night without really giving her time to think, and he abandoned his best friend at a time when she really needed someone to talk to.  He now realized that she was trying to ask him out when she invited him for coffee after his first day back in Scranton.  If only he had accepted.  He knew he hurt her by shutting her out after she got back together with Roy, hating her for something he drove her to do.  He couldn’t believe how stupid he was to be blind to her pain. 

He knew he hurt her deeply, and he couldn’t ignore the fact that Pam also had hurt him so much, not just on Casino Night, but for years before that when she couldn’t see what was right in front of her.  The pain they had inflicted on each other was just so overwhelming.  He wondered over and over, how do you come back from that?  Could you ever come back from that?  Was it worth even trying?  By the time Jim and Karen left for New York City, he had almost (but not quite) convinced himself that it was better to put all the misinterpretations, hidden emotions, and hurt feelings behind him.  It was better to focus on the future.  A future outside of Scranton, a future with Karen.

Karen, after all, was an incredible woman.  She was beautiful, intelligent, driven, sophisticated, and most of all, she had never hurt him.  The only thing she lacked was Jim’s love.  Try as he might, he just couldn’t fall completely in love with her.  The fact that his mother always asked him if he was really happy with Karen every time they saw his family only added to his doubts.  His mother could always read him like a book.  Yes, Karen's insecurities made her a bit of a nag, but that all related back to Pam.  Jim hoped that removing Pam from the equation by moving to New York would be the magic pill that would make everything perfect with Karen and evaporate his doubts. 

“Mr. Halpert?  Mr. Wallace is ready for you now,” Grace said with a smile.