Chapter 9

    Weeks had passed since Jim left and Pam was getting more comfortable in her surroundings. She did still have a few instances where her initial reaction was to turn to Jim and laugh or look up at his desk to get his attention, but even those instincts were waning. Everyone in the office had respected her wishes and left her alone about Roy, mostly. Michael of course was always trying to get her to go out with him but it was a sad attempt to say the least.

    Roy had tried calling a few times but she never picked up. His voicemails were often a roller coaster of emotions. He'd go from screaming at her to breaking out in tears to begging her to come back. He ended up going through a rough patch and was arrested for a DUI. He had turned into something so pathetic Pam tried to avoid any contact with him at all. She evaded ever having to go to the warehouse and tried to park on the opposite side of the lot as him. He hadn't made the break up easy and was often tugging at her heart strings. She didn't like what he'd become. She felt some what responsible for his downward spiral and she'd often have to give herself peptalks reminding her of the terrible life she used to lead. She didn't want to go back to that; she didn't want to live that way any longer. It usually worked, until the next time he'd call and leave another wailing voicemail. Which, ironically enough, is what she probably would've sounded like if she had ever decided to call Jim, so she was lenient on Roy.

    Eventually her mom stopped asking about Jim and Pam continued to avoid conversations where his name would come up. She missed him terribly. Not only because she loved him but he had been her best friend for years and they talked every day, now he was gone. The void that he left within her made her feel so alone sometimes. She would go home from a long lonely day at work and step into an empty apartment. The nonethingness of her life was starting to consume her.

    She had overheard Dwight reading a letter he'd received in a package from Jim one day at work, and it brought a smile to her face and an ache in her chest. She used to know everything. She would've been heavily involved in that prank a year ago and now she had to overhear it from the victim himself. The thought of him still pulling pranks made her wonder if he was getting along well in Stamford. Was he pulling pranks there? Was there a Dwight there? Was there a Michael? Or a Pam? That last one always stung when it crossed her mind. There's no way he could've moved on, she would think. But just the idea that he could move on was heartbreaking.

    She'd stopped walking into the office expectantly, she stopped feverishly refreshing her email, and her stomach stopped lurching every time the phone rang. She was living with his absence and trying to get used to the way it would be from now on. She realized that she needed to live her life no matter if Jim returns or not. She needed to stop living her life for the men she had loved. She couldn't be the Roy-Pam and she wouldn't be the Jim-Pam, she needed to be 100% Pam.

    She decided to look into art classes at the community college, like she had suggested to her mother the morning after her move. They had night classes and the pricing was decent so she went for it. She wasn't a spontaneous type of girl and she often continued on the path her life was leading, hence staying with a man she didn't truly love for 10 years, but she was trying to be brave. She was trying to venture into the world with a fresh outlook on life and it seemed to be working.

    When this new "adventure" started for her a few months earlier she didn't know how to function. She didn't know what to do at work, without Jim, and didn't know what to do at home, without Roy. Since then, she was able to find her own groove. She visited local area coffee shops and bookstores. She would visit the poetry readings on the weekends and tried to find the artist within herself. She opened herself up to meeting with some of her classmates after class to get a drink or to grab some food. She was truly enjoying herself and it was completely refreshing.

    She started decorating her apartment to her tastes. At first it was difficult for her to get used to not having to compromise. She had been trying to please another person for so long that her intial reactions were never to get exactly what she wanted. That eventually passed and she loved the idea of having the things she wanted. She ate what she wanted. She shopped where she wanted. She watched the movies she wanted. Even though she had a bit of an incident confusing 28 Days with 28 Days Later, it was still her fault and she loved it.

    Work was getting more comfortable as well. She still enjoyed her role in Michael's development as a human being. She found it endearing that one time he really wanted to adopt a child but didn't reliaze that you couldn't give the child back once you were done with it. That was so Michael and she was starting to enjoy that again. Dwight was still his annoying self and everyone was perfect in their own way. She even allowed Kelly to set her up on a date. Yes, a true date date.

    She hadn't been on a date in... well ever and she wasn't sure how to go about it. Thankfully Kelly offered herself and Ryan to tag along just to keep it comfortable. Too bad they were cuddling all night and the guy looked down her top, but it still gave her ego a bit of a boost. She found herself walking taller and actually making eye contact with guys at the grocery store. She liked the idea that men found her attractive. She never imagined that anyone, other than Roy, would ever see her that way and it made her feel good.

    Just after the date debacle, Pam let Kelly order her some new clothes online. They were a bit more risque than she liked and she definitely wouldn't be wearing them around her creepy co-workers, but at least now when she would go out with her classmates she could wear something sexy. Of course she wouldn't be interested in anybody that came up to her in a bar, but it would still feel nice to be noticed.

    She was spreading her wings.

    She was living her own life.

    She was loving every second of it.