MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Last night I was skimming channels and
I saw this show on one of the sports
channels… ah… about this guy on the…
uh… Bears… Lions… one of those teams.
It might’ve been the Bulls. Some animal,
I’m not sure which. Anyway, this guy…
um… can’t remember his name… um, he was
said to be the heart of his team. And I
said to myself “Yes. Yes! I AM the heart of
this office. The heart and… the guts…
The innards, if you will. The deep, uh,
intestines and… you know what? Let’s just
say the heart. It’s less disgusting.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
He said WHAT?
(shakes head)
No. No way is Michael the heart of this office.
Pam Beesly is DEFINITELY the heart of… well…
if this office even HAS a heart… it would
definitely be Pam. She is thoughtful and… and
caring and…(beat) And yes, I am biased.
(laughs)
But she’s still the heart. Hm. So maybe I would
be… well, this is… kinda egotistical… the
brains… maybe?
(shakes head)
And… Dwight… Dwight would be the… uh…
the blackened, smoke-filled lungs.
(nods)
And Michael? I don’t know. I’d have to
get back to you on that.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION DESK

Jim is leaning over the reception counter, talking quietly with Pam. Michael comes out of his office and strolls over to them. Just then Jim says something low and Pam giggles.

MICHAEL
Whoa, hey, let’s save that pillow talk
for home, ok?
(smiles to camera)

Jim and Pam both deflate and look at Michael.

JIM
Hey… Michael.

MICHAEL
Boy, you two… The sex must be… wow!
(laughs, then looks at Pam)
Way better than Roy, huh?

Pam just stares stunned at Michael. Jim gives the camera a “I CANNOT believe him” look.

PAM
That’s not… something we should be
discussing, Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh… I’m sorry. Still some room
for improvement?
(looks at Jim)
Back to school, Yo-Jim-be!
Pleasin’ Beesly 101!

JIM
Are you… TRYING to make people sue this
company back to the stone age? Is that
what you want?

MICHAEL
(back on his heels)
Oh. I’m sorry! Just kidding! I didn’t, uh…
know it was… such a problem.
(whispers to Jim)
They have pills for that, Jim.
I’ll forward you the e-mails…

Michael shakes his head and goes back to his office. Pam and Jim stare at each other and Pam puts her head in her hands.

JIM
(looks at camera)
Which part is Michael?
DEFINITELY the ass.

PAM
What?

JIM
No, I was…
(laughs)
I’ll explain later…