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DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
After being forced to listen to Kelly INCORRECTLY
document the second World war to some idiot on her cell phone yesterday… sorry, Ms. Kapoor, but President EISENHOWER did not bomb SWEDEN…(shakes head, sighs)
…I have decided to share my intellect with my other-wise… dim co-workers. To that end I have an “Ask Dwight” box on my desk.

INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT’S DESK

We see Dwight place the wooden box on the corner closest
to Jim. A sign on it says “Ask Dwight” in large letters.
Underneath it reads “Insert any and all questions and get the CORRECT answer!” Jim looks at the box, then Dwight and then the camera, bemused.

DWIGHT(voice-over)
I have a great deal of knowledge to share - in all
fields - and it’s about time the rampant stupidity
in this office came to an end.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
So… let’s see what we have so far.

Dwight takes a few pieces of paper out of the
box and unfolds the first one.

DWIGHT(continued)
Alright… this first one is from Michael… Um…
“Dwight. Do you know where my stapler is?”
(pause) Michael obviously has not grasped the
concept of this box, yet. (shakes his head)
Let’s look at this one… Ah. This is from Pam.
“Dwight. If I am ever in a plane crash on a
tropical island and I am the sole survivor…
what is my best course of action? Please, in
detail, list all of my options, factoring in
all possible injuries, and give me a game plan
that will best insure my continued survival.”
Now, THAT is an excellent question. That will
take some time… and I’m not… entirely certain
of Pam’s views on cannibalism. (Puts paper in
pocket)Save that for later… Ok. Let’s see…
(opens another paper) Oh HO! This is from… ah…
that nice woman, Angela. “Dwight. If my body
was dipped in German Chocolate, would you…”
OH! THAT’s… ah… (folds paper, puts it in his
pocket) Angela has a, uh… skin condition that,
uh… um… let’s move on. This next one is from…
Jim. (frowns) Um… “Dwight, if Jason Bourne and
Jack Bauer were in a steel cage match against Chewbacca and six Ewoks, who would win?”
(shakes head)Unbelievable. If there was a
machine that could measure immaturity in a man,
Jim would break it.(pause) And you would need
at least four more Ewoks to make that a fair
fight.